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Well, Here's That Third Thing I Was TOTALLY EXPECTING.

July 13, 2005

Remember how, last week, after running my car into a pole and falling down the main staircase in my office, I predicted that a third, evil thing would befall me, because misfortune and tumbling has a tendency to come in threes?

Well, guess who was right. I WAS RIGHT! I WAS SO, SO RIGHT!

I wasn't injured. My car is fine. My pride, however, has suffered a mortal blow. It is dead. Also dead: dignity. Also also dead: ability to look neighbors in the eye, now that they have seen me BUCK NAKED. Yes.

Sometimes, I get emails from people who are all, "Oh, come on, nobody can fall down so much/have their clothes fall spontaneously off of their bodies/have boobs pop unexpectedly from sundresses with the frequency of which you write."

To those people, I say: YOU CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW ME IN PERSON! PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME? THEY KNOW TO EXPECT SUCH THINGS! EVERYONE HAS SEEN MY BOOBS!

And, you guys, I am seriously the biggest klutz I know. I cannot walk in a straight line, people, and I live in everloving fear of a sobriety checkpoint, because I could not walk in a straight line if I had just returned from six weeks in a convent, in a cave, UNDER A ROCK, without even the THOUGHT of alcohol within a seventy square-mile radius. It does not matter! I can't do it! I will fall down! And then I will go to jail!

So, it is not terribly surprising that I would, ultimately, end up naked in front of the neighbors. Holding a dog. No, that is not surprising at all. Except...well, maybe it was a little surprising to the neighbors.

So anyway. At the outset, let me just say that this story is actually a HAPPY one, because things could have been WAAAAAAY worse, and this could have had a very unhappy ending, and could have been very tragic, but instead it just ended up being really fucking embarrassing. And, you know...really fucking embarrassing, I can handle. In fact, I handle "really fucking embarrassing" on a pretty much daily basis. So, nothing new there.

What happened, was that I got home from work. And it's been raining here, like cats and dogs, thank-you-Dennis raining, EVERY DAY, so I figured that the guys who usually cut my grass hadn't come to cut said grass in the TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR that was the Atlanta sky this afternoon. But apparently? Wrong. I was wrong.

And so I went inside, not noticing my freshly shorn lawn, and let out the dogs. Only, because of the rain (see: Torrential! Down! Pour! above), they were like, "Uh, no."

Three of them were, at least. Bo, Tasha, and Puglsey all looked at me like, "Seriously? You want us to pee outside? In...that weather? Because, you know, we're not going. We'll just pee on something else, thanks. Something valuable. That is supposed to stay dry."

And off they went, to various places in the house, to find something expensive to relieve their brown selves on.

But not Gimmme. Oh, poor Gimmme. Who is totally blind, and generally confused, and who went outside, all, "YAY! OUTSIDE! Why am I wet? DIGGING! OUTSIDE! I'm really getting wet, you guys! You guys...? OH! DIGGING!"

So I left the door open, so Gimmme could eventually realize that, OH, RAIN, and come back in.

He's not...the brightest bulb, y'all. I love him immensely. But, bless his heart, he is dumb.

Anyway. So, I decided to go upstairs and take a shower while Gimmme dug to China out there in the yard, and I got to my bedroom, and I got undressed. And I was standing there, NAKED, when I heard this:

Bark!

Huh, I thought. That dog sounds like Gimmme. But it can't be Gimmme, because Gimmme is in the back yard. And that bark came from...somewhere else.

And then I heard it again.

Bark!

And this sort of fascinated me, because Gimmme's bark...kind of distinctive! It's a questioning sort of bark. It is less "bark!" and more, "bark?"

So, still naked, I looked out the window. And there, headed up the DRIVEWAY, TOWARD THE STREET, is Gimmme. Bark?

And I panicked. A blind dog + traffic = TRAGEDY. WITHOUT QUESTION. It also = NO TIME TO PUT ON CLOTHES.

So I grabbed a towel, the only thing nearby, and slid down the stairs and out the door, to catch Wayward Wandering Dog, who was HAPPILY heading for the street, barking (?) and wagging all the way.

I caught up with him just as he made it to the intersection, at exactly the same time that a car rounded the corner. And I was faced with a dilemma. Do I:

(1) Hold onto my towel, thereby risking that the very short Wayward Wandering Dog will be flattened by the approaching vehicle, OR DO I

(2) Ignore the fact that said towel is slipping from my grip, dive forward, and SAVE Wayward Wanderer?

Now. People. Do y'all even have to ask?

I left the towel, and MY DIGNITY, on my street, and dodged out in front of the car, grabbed my happy little traveler, turned, AND RAN LIKE MY ASS WAS ON FIRE.

Nakedly.

Also, I grabbed my towel on the way back.

And, y'all, Gimmme was so proud of himself. He happily barked (?) all the way home. All, "Mom! I went to a place! That was not the yard! And I couldn't see it! Because I'm blind! But it smelled! Like not the yard!"

And I returned to the house, where I saw that the guys who cut my grass had left the gate open, thereby directly leading to ESCAPE: 2005. AND GOOD CHRIST, I HATE THEM ALL.

SO, basically...I have no idea of who saw me naked. I was running too fast. But it was definitely...Someone.

It could have been the little old man who lives across the street. It could have been someone coming home from work. It could have been a mom with a car full of pre-pubescent boys, who will have something to ponder for MANY A NIGHT, because I just exposed them, for the first time, to very-quickly-moving-nipple. Not ideal, but when you're twelve, IT WILL DO, and it is better than SQUIGGLE PORN. Someone will be changing the sheets tomorrow morning, is what I am saying.

As soon as I got back inside, I called my father (obviously) and related the whole story, detail for EXCRUCIATING DETAIL. And I was like, "What will the neighbors think?" And he pointed out that (1) Nude woman + (2) wayward dog + (3) Street = a PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS TABLEAU, Dear.

"They knew exactly what had happened," he told me. "It's like one of those paintings that tells a story. The sight of you naked...told, uh, a story."

Fine. Whatever. They got one story. The story it told to me was MAKE SURE THE FUCKING GATE IS CLOSED, YOU NUDE MORON. Lesson learned, God!

So, anyway. Now, apparently, I have to move. If any of y'all have any suggestions for where I can go, where a little...you know, nudity, won't terrify your neighbors, I'd love to hear about it. In the meantime, I'll be at home, wrapped in blankets, and swearing to NEVER BE NAKED AGAIN.

Posted by doxie in The Dogs (Or, Poop) | permalink

57 Comments

What if it was one of us readers who saw you naked? Oh mah!!

Posted by: msmack | July 13, 2005 09:55 PM

Naked huh? Actually, the house across the street from me is for sale...

Just ignore the frequent camera flash, it's nothing.

No really. :)

Posted by: Mr. Bloggerific Himself | July 13, 2005 10:01 PM

My husband informs me that the house next to ours is on sale. Do you like New England?

Posted by: Dani McDowell | July 13, 2005 10:07 PM

If they make a Miss Doxie movie, who'd get to play the lead?
(Goldie Hawn is just too old now, sadly.)
Any suggestions?

Posted by: fifi | July 14, 2005 02:52 AM

He he that is so funny! Everybody is naked in London! All the time! We only put clothes on when people film things to send to America because we like to maintain the pretence that we are all really prudish. It's one big naked conga line over here. You need never be embarrassed again!

Posted by: LĂ©onie | July 14, 2005 06:58 AM

Miss Doxie, you say you are an attorney? And I'm sure your a very good one, but you should seriously consider switching professions, because you are one hell of a writer! You have a knack of getting peoples minds right there with you,experiencing what you experienced through your words. Your writing always makes for great reading. You also must have a huge heart. It is so nice of you to give a handicapped animal a loving home! I am a huge animal lover and it warms my heart to hear that that blind pup is being taken care of, and it seems, taken care of very well! Thank you for all your interesting posts, I allways look forward to hearing what you have to say.......Scott

Posted by: Scott | July 14, 2005 07:16 AM

haha. very funny. oh, and here in midtown... nudity is pretty much expected. you get funnier looks if you're walking around clothed for sure....

Posted by: dandy lion | July 14, 2005 07:40 AM

I have just realized that my life is boring. Thank you, Miss Doxie, for clearing that up.

Posted by: Lafe | July 14, 2005 07:49 AM

Oh Miss Doxie... words fail me, but you never do. I will just say that it's always a relief to read your klutzy exploits because yours are so much funnier than mine.

I'm always so glad when I see that you've updated, because it's a guarantee that I'm going to spend the next few minutes laughing. You? Are one funny chickie. Also? Pretty.

Posted by: Kathryn | July 14, 2005 07:52 AM

Ha! No way I could believe that without pictures. ;)

Posted by: Jon in Michigan | July 14, 2005 07:55 AM

Great, hysterically funny story... it just so sad that I can actually relate to it. I have moved twice.

Posted by: Chari | July 14, 2005 07:56 AM

I think if I was one of your neighbors, I'd be over making sure that gate was open more often from now on. LoL. And Gimmme? For a blind dog, he's one smart cookie. Finding the open gate and all that he can't see.... How do they do that?

Posted by: Frank | July 14, 2005 08:37 AM

Haha, you poor thing! But it's awesome that you decided to trade your dignity in for your puppy! I trade my dignity in all the time and I never get anything half so valuable back!

Posted by: Citycat | July 14, 2005 08:38 AM

Oh you poor, poor dear. I almost feel embarassed to say that I laughed until I cried over that. Literally. I had to grab a tissue. What a kind-hearted person you must be to risk a public indecency violation and possible jail time for your baby.

Posted by: jcc | July 14, 2005 08:56 AM

And you know Gimmme went back and was bragging all about his adventures and the others were just like, "Whatever, it's raining, but good work on getting her naked." And then they all had a good chuckle.

Posted by: smartjuice | July 14, 2005 09:37 AM

OK, just imagine your web-traffic stats with pictures of aforementioned (I'm not a lawyer, but I wanted to prove I could talk like one) incident. You could be a star, embarrased over all the internets!

And: "MAKE SURE THE FUCKING GATE IS CLOSED, YOU NUDE MORON"
The guys who cut your grass do so in the nude?

Posted by: Mark | July 14, 2005 09:42 AM

Don't worry. I've flashed my elderly neighbors (accidentally-- yes, each time it was an accident) quite a few times and they can still look me in the eye. The poor dears either think I'm an exhibitionist or horribly clumsy. I'm horribly clumsy.

Posted by: Erratic Prophet | July 14, 2005 10:23 AM

Oh, good Lord, girl. Your neighbors probably get down on their knees and thank Jesus when they see you naked -- in fact, they probably PAID OFF the gardeners to cut your grass in the pouring rain and leave the gate open, all in hopes that you would emerge in your birthday suit to chase an errant dog. Being naked on the street is only really fucking embarrassing for 80% of the population -- for a willowy blonde, it's a public service.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | July 14, 2005 10:25 AM

Dude! I too have done the Naked Lunge of Desperate Dog-Ownership. I honestly thought I was the only one capable of getting myself into that kind of situation. Of course mine didn't lead to a hysterical piece of writing. More like hysterical blindness for all the neighbours.

Posted by: Gill | July 14, 2005 11:00 AM

Once again, you make me laugh so hard and I really needed that today! Thanks Miss Doxie!

Posted by: Heather | July 14, 2005 11:06 AM

Bark? Love it.

Move to Boston, Lovely Leigh. As you know, we have wine AND cute shoes here. See you soon!

Posted by: Em | July 14, 2005 11:11 AM

Having been cused severe embarrasment by my dogs on more than one occasion; I can totally relate. Don't worry after a few days the stories of the cray lady naked girl with the dogs will quiet down.

Posted by: Mel | July 14, 2005 11:26 AM

Gimmme is adorable and well worth a little embarrassment. Heck, I'd run naked down I85 for my doggies, and they are not nearly as cute. And if the neighbors ask "Hey was that you naked, in the rain?" Just say "No. I was wearing flesh colored underwear!" at least thats what I told my 68 year old neighbor when I got caught checking the mail at 3:45 in the morning. Drunk. And also naked. It's a very long story.

Posted by: karla | July 14, 2005 11:31 AM

I am a very clumsy person. I too, cannot walk a straight line sober, but I have been made to do the sobriety test. Oh yes, I have. I have been pulled over in the dead of the night, in the middle of the woods -- the kind of woods where you are driving, and your friend says, "Hey, isn't this how horror movies start? Two girls, driving alone through the dark woods?" and you're just like, "GEE THANKS, I FEEL SAFE NOW," -- but thankfully, I was not asked to do anything hard, like walk a straight line or say the alphabet backwards. I had to count to thirty and stand on one foot, and also follow the tip of a pen with my eyes. It was March in New England and I wasn't wearing a coat, so I didn't do so well with the standing-on-one-foot thing, but in the end, the cops paper-rock-scissored the decision that I was sober, and I was let go. Fun times were had by all.

Posted by: Heather | July 14, 2005 11:54 AM

Does wearing a t-shirt that barely covers your butt count? Need I mention that no - not a skinny girl and no - there was nary a bra in sight? Also - ran into my very conservative neighbor while I was chasing said dog while cursing. I should mention that his religion covers women from head to toe in his native land. And we had only lived there a month. Nice!

Posted by: Susan | July 14, 2005 12:58 PM

that's the stuff nightmares are made of.

Posted by: honestyrain | July 14, 2005 02:10 PM

That's so funny because lately I've totally been thinking, "Miss Doxie hasn't written about her dogs in a while, I wonder what they're up to?" because I only have one dachshund and she does funny things every day. I can only imagine how one handles several. And then here it is, with the chasing and the naked. Poor Miss Doxie, but what a lucky doggie to have such a selfless mom. And also, this rain? It's like, rain of Biblical proportions lately. Maybe next time you should send the dogs out with a raft and some life jackets.

Posted by: RadiantSky | July 14, 2005 02:43 PM

Poor Doxie.. at least you can laugh at yourself. You don't want to be the only one not laughing.. Now THAT would be embarrassing! :>

Posted by: Psuche | July 14, 2005 02:53 PM

Move to Calgary, AB, Canada.
Home of the Stampede.

The Greatest Outdoor Show On Earth.

I'm pretty sure they would consider changing the tagline when they found out YOU are the GREATEST OUTDOOR SHOW ON EARTH!

Posted by: kimmikim | July 14, 2005 03:34 PM

An artist's rendering here: http://cutthecrap.typepad.com/gimmmedoxie.gif

Posted by: Keli | July 14, 2005 03:53 PM

Hee! Miss Doxie naked? Yaay! Why did I have to miss that? Seriously, I'm starting to think you're an exhibitionist. Honestly, you dropped the towel on purpose, for dramatic effect, right?

And I'm not sure if this incident counts as your third misfortune - based on what an overwhelmingly fortunate experience it must've been for anyone who witnessed.

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | July 14, 2005 04:20 PM

I thought of you yesterday when I fell off a bus.

Posted by: Elizabeth | July 14, 2005 04:22 PM

Good Lord, y'all are funny.

K, that is the most magnificent portrait ever created of me. It is spot on. Were you there? Are you my neigbor? Are you paparazzi? Are you my soul?

Posted by: MIss Doxie | July 14, 2005 06:33 PM

You poor thing. I have nightmares that are not that embarrassing. Well, at least you have a nice bod.

Posted by: Sheryl | July 14, 2005 07:54 PM

Oh girl.. glad you saved the dog at least.. Dignity can be regenerated.. I am a bit nervous if you and El Dukey ever procreate tho..

Posted by: Angel | July 14, 2005 09:11 PM

Well let's see, I'm a stripper, and my neighbors have a stripper pole in the "boom boom" room on their garage. So, yeah, nudity- no stranger here and perfectly acceptable on our street. Welcome.

Posted by: Brighton | July 15, 2005 10:43 AM

Well let's see, I'm a stripper, and my neighbors have a stripper pole in the "boom boom" room on their garage. So, yeah, nudity- no stranger here and perfectly acceptable on our street. Welcome.

Posted by: Brighton | July 15, 2005 10:44 AM

OK - I have to laugh, my fiance was putting molding down in the living room of the house and left the door open to the patio by accident when my dapple chocolate/tan 12wk old puppy discovered it and went for a run... I did the same (grabbed a towel I had just used from the shower) and raced out after him. Only thing is Auz has his sight and thought this was a new game and ran faster and futher. Barking that puppy bark of excitement - rufff-uf the whole time. As I finally caught him, he must have been so disapointed the game was over, cause he wiggled, the towel dropped and I took off like a bullet, holding him it just the right place to cover personal umm.. property? Please note I am not as cute as you so the sight of me racing thru the community naked boobs flapping in the wind.. not attractive. I got in the house mortified and was in the midst of ripping my fiance a new one when the doorbell rang. He answered it to find a neighbor standing there with the towel... uh, I believe the lady of the house dropped this. I was mortified.

So don't feel bad - been there, done that.
Plus #3 could have been worse.

Posted by: jennifer | July 15, 2005 12:17 PM

You are the funniest person ever. I just spit gelato all over my lap top while reading this. And then sent your words to all my friends.

Posted by: Carly | July 15, 2005 02:02 PM

Hey Doxie, have you seen the opening scene of Hitch? While not quite as hilarious as your misfortune, I think you will appreciate it.

Posted by: Tiffany | July 15, 2005 10:34 PM

Okay Leigh, THAT made me laugh.

Posted by: Martha | July 16, 2005 02:51 PM

Oh my goodness! I would have been mortified too!!! You seem to have handled the situation as well as could be though, so I give you major kudos on that! Best wishes, and keep up the great work with your website and posts. Your journal is a joy to visit. Hugs to you and your dachshunds. :D

Posted by: midnightbunny | July 17, 2005 03:02 PM

No one may care about this, cause, well, PUBLIC NUDITY and everything. But it turns that that Friday afternoon/evening is an AWESOME time to shop the new Ikea. And I felt you should know that. I? Can now play tic tac toe with ice cubes. Go! Go quickly! There are only 5,425 fun shape ice trays in happy colors left!

Posted by: Renee | July 17, 2005 04:24 PM

This story isn't proof of penultimate clumsiness--this was a noble sacrifice you made for your loyal, blind, runaway companion. Public nudity vs. Almost Certain Death? Of course you chose to drop the towel, what else could you do?
Think of it this way--Viagra is expensive, and it's probably difficult for the little old man down the road (probably living on Social Security) to budget for it. You've made some little old lady out there very happy. And you know sex education just isn't up to snuff in our public schools, and those boys are feeling so much better now that they know real women don't look like halved cadavers in the, er, abdominal region.
Frankly, I don't see a downside. Well, the lady down the street is now contemplating a lift and tuck, but those things will happen.

Posted by: Stormy | July 17, 2005 11:08 PM

SO COMPLETELY HILARIOUS, as always, Miss Doxie.

But I'm guessing Dukay is disappointed in your vow never to be naked again?

Posted by: LadyBug | July 18, 2005 10:38 AM

I'm going to have to use this story as an excuse the next time my husband asks for a dog. I'll be all like "Well, do you know what can happen when you have dogs? The neighbors can see me naked, and you don't want that now, do you?" Very funny post by the way.

Posted by: Jessie | July 18, 2005 01:45 PM

After spending upwards of six months nursing a cracked tailbone (which TOTALLY didn't result from me drunkenly falling into the shower after throwing up, I don't know WHERE these lies come from!) I fell down the stairs (soberly!!!) carrying a bag of laundry, breaking it again. I cried for days. It's around six months now, and I'm just waiting for ooopsie number three. It's just fate.

And you should definitely move to Boston! We're always naked here! Well, at least in my neighborhood, apparently. And we might not have four dogs, but my house includes four cats, a dog, a lizard, and some aging punks. Fun!!!

Posted by: missbanshee | July 18, 2005 09:06 PM

Sorry I don't have any running down the street naked stories to add but youre was GREAT. Thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: Lisa Ann | July 20, 2005 10:19 AM

First visit to your blog and it's about a fleeing dachshund and a naked attorney. I've been on hot on the trail of an errant weiner dog but usually attired in some lovely threadbare tee, frayed shorts and no shoes. I'm just pleased Gimmme is back in the fold, safe and sound, probably plotting the next escape.

Posted by: Karen | July 20, 2005 02:53 PM

You. Are. So. Fucking. Funny. With the nudity. Rock on.

Posted by: Blue Meany | July 20, 2005 11:05 PM

again, with the cruel withholding of posts. we need more doxie! although, this last one was so funny it should tide me over for a while. but it's been more than a WEEK! doxie! where are you?

Posted by: kt | July 21, 2005 09:49 AM

ok. ok. i left the gate open. i was once that 12 year old kid in the front seat that caught a glimpse of something wonderful. bedtime will come early for the next few weeks for that boy. god bless america. and god bless naked women.

Posted by: el dukay | July 21, 2005 10:34 AM

Nudity?

I'll comfort you in the fact that there's at least one person we KNOW didn't see you..and that was me. See...I was born with a terrible affliction in that I never see anything interesting AS it happens. Once a plane crashed in my Uncle's Corn field...I was less than 100 feet away...did I see it? NO! Car wrecks, flashing girls at football games, Santa Claus, Weeping Statues of Mary...I never see it as it happens. No meteors, exploding sheep, amazing catches at ball games. I'm always lookin' at something else...that is never interesting.

So rest easy miss doxie...tubby saw nuthin.

Arf!

Tubby

Posted by: Tubby | July 21, 2005 05:20 PM

We all love reading - over and over - about your mishaps, misadventures and especially, nakedness. But I now join KT in dismay over the "cruel withholding of posts". Where are your entries? Are they lost? Soon we may have to start commenting on comments! Save us!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | July 22, 2005 08:57 PM

That would have been a site to see! Can you re-enact this on video for us?

:)

Posted by: Donovan Phillips | July 24, 2005 03:46 PM

Oh I know it was f'ing embarassing for you but it MADE MY DAY reading your story! I would have done the exact same thing however!

Posted by: Becky from 'Knitting Interrupted' | August 5, 2005 03:12 PM

You're not alone! If it's any comfort to you, I've had way more than my share of unintentional, unplanned "revealing" incidents. Always so funny-- after enough time has passed.

Posted by: mamacita | August 27, 2005 11:16 AM

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