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This is what you get when THE INTERNET DIES.

July 27, 2005

Nothing. Nothing! That is what we all get when the internet dies, and I cannot figure out how to fix it. Because I am an idiot.

But anyway. Hi! So, I've been a little busy, and then the internet broke, and I am now at work, typing reallyreallyreally fast, because I do not update from work, OH NEVER, because I like my job and SO THERE, but on this one occasion I am making an exception just so y'all don't think I up and died. It's all for you! Look at the risky risks I do take.

So, the short story is that one of my parents' dogs? Maggie? A disc in her back slipped, and that made her paralyzed, necessitating several jillion dollars worth of surgery, and now she is STILL paralyzed, but now it is, supposedly, on a temporary basis, but mom and dad had to leave town, and someone had to watch her, and that someone = Me.

And let me JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING about watching a paralyzed dog. It is not...fun. She is kind of sad and pathetic. She can't actually pee on her own (I know!) and so I have to...uh, take her outside, and massage her bladder. This is something I had to learn. I had, previously, never massaged a bladder before. This is ALL NEW TERRITORY.

But, turns out, I am an AWESOME bladder massager, and I rock at massaging bladders, to the point that now I can just rub her stomach and she immediately lets fly with a cascade of hot pee so voluminous and cascade-y that I have to be, you know, KIND OF CAREFUL about rubbing her stomach, because y'all, I HAVE BEEN PEED ON EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS.

(And, my google referral stats just exploded. Pop.)

(Dear Golden Shower fans: Sorry!)

(Dear Mom: No. I do not know what a "golden shower" is. Go ask your other daughter. I've never heard of it. Golden what?)

So, ANYWAY, I moved into my parents' house for the time being, to watch the paralyzed dog, plus the other dogs, plus deal with my hospitalized grandma, plus also I still have, you know, work, plus I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN TO IKEA, plus then Dukay got sick with some weird fever-thing and I had to make him chicken soup, and then my parents' internet conked out, and then I'M JUST KIND OF BUSY, with the bladder massaging, and all.

But I did want to pop in and say hi. Hi! Is everyone doing okay? Are we all happy? Have we avoided massaging bladders? Is it wrong that I am getting really used to talking about pee? Do you want to send me a rubber smock? Are you guys kind of hungry? Etc.

So, I'll write more later, VERY SOON, provided I can figure out how to fix the internet. And, to that end, I foresee a very long, tedious phone call in my near future. Y'all can come keep me company, if you want.

Just make sure you bring some chips. And rubber pants.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


Glad you're back. Thanks, once again, for brightening my day.

Posted by: MJF | July 27, 2005 09:07 AM

Good luck with your telephone call, and may both the puppy and the internet get well soon. 'Cause no one should be peed on that much.

Posted by: Nancy F. | July 27, 2005 09:35 AM

Hahaha, that entry was worth the wait! Hope things get a little pee-less for you, quite soon. Take care! J

Posted by: Jillian | July 27, 2005 10:09 AM

I feel for you. My dachshund has been known to pee on people and he isn't paralyzed in the slightest... he just kind of pees randomly and in any direction. I guess that's why I love him.

Posted by: Casey | July 27, 2005 10:17 AM

Congrats on your stats going through the roof!

I once posted about a male horse, which in horsey-people language is called a stud. I also have a horse named Playmate. The combination is unfortunate, apparently.

Stats out the wazoo, and I'm sure they were VERY disappointed.

What's a golden shower? Is that like, polluted rain? Never heard of that myself.

Posted by: Bonanza Jellybean | July 27, 2005 10:25 AM

Girl, your good deeds stats are going through the ROOF at this point. Give Dukay a Sucrets for me!

Posted by: Coleen | July 27, 2005 10:29 AM

Massaging the bladder, boy howdy. My sister sometimes foster-mothers abandoned litters of puppies, which apparently involves massaging their little parts until they pee. But I'll bet they don't get the RANGE or VOLUME that Maggie can. Hope you brought your raincoat.

With male miniature schnauzers like mine, occasionally their ANAL GLANDS must be EXPRESSED. This is apparently done with a gloved finger. My husband assures me that lots of guys are willing to pay extra for that.

Dog ownership. It's a messy business.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | July 27, 2005 11:22 AM

Oh the golden shower comment almost made me spit.. damn funny. Over here in gay friendly Seattle we all know what that is.. Hope you can take care of everything you need to get done.. I know how that is being busy all of a sudden. But hey.. that bladder massaging skill may come in handy later in life!

Posted by: Angel | July 27, 2005 11:53 AM

De-lurking to say, I feel your pain. Last week-end I cared for my parents paralyzed australian shepherd, Mokie. Lots of bladder squeezing for me. Also lots of picking up dog feces. Halfway through her visit to my small upstairs apartment, Mokie got so depressed at being seperated from Mom that she contracted a bladder infection, which meant her pee smelled a million times worse and she was unable to hold it long enough to get outside. We went through dozens of towels and then our dryer broke. Fun!

Posted by: Alison | July 27, 2005 12:20 PM

Yes, and I'm sure the references to rubber garments will also enchance the referral stats.

Posted by: madeleine | July 27, 2005 12:49 PM

Oh you are a GENIUS! I AM a little bit hungry! How did you know that? Miss Doxie you are a clever lady.
I haven't ever massaged a bladder, you sound like you're doing a very good job, and I am pleased you took a little spot of time out from it to update, because it makes me happy when you do.

Posted by: LĂ©onie | July 27, 2005 01:39 PM

Dear Miss Doxie,

What I should have been doing for the past 2 days: studying for the MCAT

What I should not have been doing for the past 2 days: Reading your newly-discovered website and (feeling inspired) consuming multiplle bottles of wine

My future status as a med student hangs in the balance, so I beg you: stop being so humorous

Posted by: Chris | July 27, 2005 02:05 PM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY. I was a little bit hungry, until you talked about all that peeing. Now...not so much.

Posted by: Libby | July 27, 2005 04:28 PM

I use to have the internet problem too when I lived in Buckhead and had Comcast. If your parents have Comcast try turning off the computer, unplugging the modem from the computer at the modem (it looks like a cord with a phone jack plug on it), wait about a minute and plug it back in. Restart the computer. If this doesn't work call Comcast and they will walk you through what it takes to get the broadband to recognize your computer again. I don't know why unplugging it works, one of the techs at Comcast told me to try it.

Posted by: mackmomma | July 27, 2005 04:35 PM

Worth the wait as always!

Posted by: Heather | July 27, 2005 04:56 PM

Damn! My google search for "golden shower" brought me here? Then my rubber pants search too?! Don't get me wrong I like your site, but not when I'm in the mood for internet deviance.

Now for my next search, "schnauzers AND anal"...

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | July 27, 2005 05:16 PM

Not again!!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | July 27, 2005 05:40 PM

Oh Miss Doxie,

Sending warm fuzzies your way and hoping things get better soon. And ditto on that Comcast - unplug modem thing (I can't believe I'm not the only person out there who's been forced to do that!).

Posted by: Sarah | July 28, 2005 07:36 AM

Now I am really confused...did you get spam comments by Mr. Penis Enlargement and what does that have to do with people not caring about you?

Oh well...good luck and I am still hopeful you will make it to Ikea.

Posted by: Morgan | July 28, 2005 09:01 AM

I think I saw that massaging the bladder thingy in a porn once....not that I watch porn...cause that would be wrong...and not that I massage bladders...cause that is probably wrong too.

Posted by: Floyd | July 28, 2005 09:38 AM

I was really starting to worry about you when you were gone so long. I had visions of things attacking your car; of treacherous but beautiful heels coming off your boots at some inopportune time; of a long queue of people outside Ikea crushing you to bits while everybody was trying to get into the store at the same time. All that stuff. But happy to hear it was only ordinary domestic disasters which have not as yet done you any bodily harm. Glad you're back.

Posted by: daffythedachshund | July 28, 2005 10:08 AM

Wow, girl, I'm so sorry to hear that you're Grandma isn't doing well and that your puppy is having such a rough time. I hope things improve really soon.

Posted by: Polichick | July 28, 2005 10:14 AM

Hello all,
I am a new visitor to Miss Doxie's site and I've read every entry (including the old ones) in the last week and a half. Now if that admission is not pathetic enough I have another more pathetic truth to tell. I work for a very large ISP and I've been reading Miss Doxie at work....so I guess it's my fault the internet is broken, because I've been wasting---no, wrong word---utilizing my valuable work time reading (and laughing) instead of working. I apologize. My bad. I'll fix it now.

Posted by: Suz | July 28, 2005 02:56 PM

I, too, am a new visitor and have read every old entry and the descriptions of your multiple mishaps so I was starting to worry when nothing new appeared at your site. Glad to have you back. Never too old to learn a new skill like bladder massage. But I am still pondering the "penis enlargement" post.

Posted by: Karen | July 28, 2005 07:37 PM

They make these wonderful things. They're called "disposable latex gloves". They're cheap and they come in packs of lots. They're designed for doing stuff like staining furniture or cleaning up vomit or . . . wait . . . massaging dog bladders.

Which is really something I hope I never ever have to do. And clearly you are a nicer person than I am.

Posted by: Curious | July 28, 2005 10:55 PM

I caught Dukay's fever thing...got any of that soup leftover? Btw, you are a good daughter. Massaging bladders is pretty much where most would draw a line.

Posted by: allison | July 29, 2005 12:15 PM

What kind of obsessive-compulsive person do you have to be to need 1-use-only latex gloves to massage a wee dog's bladder? That's just an abdominal massage, right? If you were massaging it's (ew!) anal glands, like the nice vet does for our doggie, I could understand....
If Ikea made a little bed for dogs with no bladder control, it'd be made of rubber, and have a really clever name, I bet.
Like gøldenshowrsfordog. Or not. Hope dog and Granny both get well soon.

Posted by: fifi | July 29, 2005 01:01 PM

At least (yes, there's always a bright side) you're doing your bladder massage at your parents' house, so you don't have dachshund pee all over your place. Well, except for your own dogs. But you don't have strange dachshund pee all over your house, or if you do I don't want to know!

Posted by: Mark | July 29, 2005 01:09 PM

WELL! It happened. The Ikea has opened in Dallas, Texas (Frisco to tell the truth.) I'm not going till the smoke clears. Those idiots camped out for weeks. Somebody save me!

Posted by: Lisame | August 3, 2005 09:55 AM

WELL! It happened. The Ikea has opened in Dallas, Texas (Frisco to tell the truth.) I'm not going till the smoke clears. Those idiots camped out for weeks. Somebody save me!

Posted by: Lisame | August 3, 2005 09:55 AM

WAAYYYYYYY to funny. ROFL,,,,,. Crying. I'm not sure I'll live thru your blogging on Ikea when THAT shows up.

Posted by: Kim | August 5, 2005 02:35 PM

So glad you're back Miss Doxie! I'll tell you what, my hubby is really good at fixing internet problems. I'll bring rubber pants and wine, and hubby can fix your inet...Then we can shop online for shoes!!!!!!

Posted by: fuffyw | August 6, 2005 12:09 AM

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