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Someone needs to come save me from myself, like, today

July 01, 2005

So, bet everyone's wondering what I bought at Ikea.

Are you? Are you wondering? Are you very sure that it is Swedish and made partly of particle board?

Well! HERE IS THE THING!

I haven't...gone yet! NO! AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY!

Actually, there are a number of reasons. The first reason is that the traffic, getting TO the Ikea, has scared me senseless. I keep on getting stuck in it on the way to and from work, and the idea of being trapped in an enclosed space with the very person who almost HIT ME, THANK YOU, is very scary to my mind. So, I've been kind of waiting for the hype to calm down, and for people to...you know, go back to their jobs and families, so that I may go shopping in peace.

And I kept thinking, well, I'll just go at an "off" time. But, people, there is no "off" time at Ikea! Ikea is always On! It is omniscient and omnipresent and there is always a line out the door. Will it always be this way? I am kind of freaked out.

But, another main reason I have not gone to Ikea, is that APPARENTLY, I will be spending quite a lot of money somewhere else very soon. And that "somewhere else" is the body shop, 'cause REMEMBER MY NEW CAR?

I ran it into a pole. Whack!

Sigh. You guys? Seriously? What is wrong with me? I drove the same car for thirteen years, and for the majority of that time, NOTHING HAPPENED. I did not run into things. Things did not run into me. We just went on, happy with the universe and the interstate highway system, and even though sometimes the car broke down or caught fire, AT LEAST it did not attack nearby objects. This new car? Not like that! It has anger issues! It hits!

And again, what it hit, was a motherfucking pole.

(Please let us note how I like to think I am not at all responsible for this. I blame the car. Possibly I should blame the POLE, which obviously jumped out in front of the car. EVERYONE is to blame, really. YOU ARE LOOKING GUILTY TO ME RIGHT NOW.)

Anyway, so what happened, was that I was leaving the office. And I hopped in my car, and there was another car behind me, kind of, and another one on the side, and so I had to eeeeeeeease out of my space in this horrible, awful parking garage where I park every day. And I was going very verrrrrrry slowly, because there are walls and poles, like, EVERYWHERE in this garage, and people are always banging into them, and my dad got so sick of having to repair his car from the many times he has sideswiped this one particular column that he finally decided that large scratch = FINE, and went on with his life.

So, I backed out, and I did not hit anything! Yay! And then I went forward, kind of proud of myself for my super sweet maneuvering abilities, and as I turned the corner, THAT IS WHEN I HEARD THIS:

Sccccccccrape.

At which point my heart? The one in my chest? It stopped. I slammed on the brakes, tumbled out of the car and ran around to the passenger side, AND THERE WAS THE SCRATCH. And of course it was huge, enormous, metallic and toothy and grinning and EVIL, and I had to bite my lip and remind myself that we do not CRY when we are wearing our Big Girl Suit. We do not cry! WE BLAME OTHERS.

So, I kicked the pole. This...did not help. And now I may need new shoes, and possibly I broke my toe, because it turns out that the poles are metal.

So. That should be, you know, cheap to fix. Only not. So I decided maybe I should just wait and see how much that's going to cost before I fall into Ikea and spend the dogs' inheritance.

But obviously, I still really wanted to go, so I was thinking maybe I would go today! It's been KIND OF A CRAPPY WEEK, with the pole attacking and the scratch and unforeseen money spending. I deserve a break today! I should go have some meatballs and purchase some housewares.

So, I decided I would leave work early. And so I was finishing things up (punctuated by the bi-hourly arrival of people in my office, all, "Did you hit a pole? I TOO HAVE HIT A POLE. I HATE THE PARKING GARAGE SO MUCH. THE PARKING GARAGE IS MY SWORN ENEMY").

And, I was getting ready, and getting things accomplished, and all was good in the world. And my plan was:

1. Finish brief
2. Go home and change from work clothing and shoes into Ikea Kloothink and comfortable shus.
3. Drive back to Ikea.
4. Experience shopping orgasm.
5. Eat meatball(s).
6. Learn what Lingdonberry is.
7. Despite explanation, continue disbelieving that Ligdonberry is actually real fruit.
8. Purchase housewares.

Good plan! Good thinking! Until sometime in between numbers 1 and 2, I FELL DRAMATICALLY DOWN THE OFFICE STAIRS, when the heel of my left shoe somehow entered the hem of my right pants leg.

And what happens, if you miraculously manage to impale the heel of your left shoe into the hem of your right pants leg, is that both legs become...confused. Disoriented. "Toppling" ensues. The "toppling" is head first.

Also: "Ripping." Of pants.

And, I would be so glad that at least nobody had seen me, IF INDEED NOBODY HAD SEEN ME. But unfortunately, that was NOT the case, and my personal downward spiral was witnessed by many, many people, including people whom I try to impress. Bet they're impressed now! All, WHOO, that Leigh! She is a force to be reckoned with! As she somersaults down the main staircase!

SO, that happened. And then I was just pissed off enough to not want to deal with driving all the way home, and changing into Ikea friendly jins and tee shuurt and shus, and driving all the way BACK, and I couldn't just go in what I was wearing, because...rip, and so I just came the hell home, and went to bed.

And, probably good thing that I did, because I just looked at the news. And apparently, the traffic to get back to where the Ikea is? Is going at one mile per hour.

One.

That.

Is.

Slow.

Like.

This.

Seeing as I don't have sixteen hours to waste, I am now sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, aware that shiny new Ikea closes in twelve minutes, and ONCE AGAIN I will not have availed myself of its Swedish ingenuity, and ONCE AGAIN I will fall asleep tonight feeling empty and beaten and hungry for Lingdonberries. And, also, bruised (see: "toppling," above).

And let us also note that this means that TWO bad things have happened in the last two days, and obviously that means that ONE MORE is coming, because these things travel in threes. This, alone, is enough to make me want to turn off all the lights and lock myself in a closet, because does a girl really need any more body shop bills? Or bruises? This particular girl DOES NOT.

But, really, I need to just suck it up and stop acting like a whiny little brat who falls down a lot, because Ziz and her boyfriend devin are coming into town tonight (yay!) and then Ziz and devin and Dukay and me and my parents and Lord only knows who else are all going up to the lake for the Fourth, and that is AWESOME, and I am EXCITED, and everyone is taking bets on exactly how long it takes before I fall IN, or possibly set the boat on fire, or run myself over. Somehow people have decided that all three will probably occur within the first twenty minutes. Good times!

So, that's the plan for the weekend. Next week, Ikea awaits! Let's all just pray that the parking garage doesn't have any damned poles.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Be safe!

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

36 Comments

I ran my car right into a pole about a year ago when I was pulling out of a parking space. I also blame the pole. I ripped off an entire fender. I feel for you.

Posted by: Janet | July 1, 2005 08:51 PM

I went to Ikea today! Yay. I actually looked for you. We ate first then shopped because the restuarant is right at the top of the entrance escalator and we knew we would be exiting on the lower level. It was awesome. The traffic for parking goes all the way past the front of the store-around the block and into the parking garage (very spacious, no sneaky poles). They have a person on a bicycle riding in front of the line of cars and pointing to the next available parking space. I want one of these persons of my very own but they don't sell them at Ikea. Don't freak over the line of traffic, once you get to the garage parking is really quick. I am glad you didn't break anything when you fell. Have fun at the lake. Watch out for snakes.

Posted by: mackmomma | July 1, 2005 09:16 PM

I've never hit anything with my car. Though there are lots of things I'd enjoy hitting:

- annoying slow-driving people
- and driver from massachusetts
- britney spears

Posted by: number1hypocrite | July 1, 2005 10:16 PM

Oh how I can sympathize! On the bright side, at least you have Ikea when you are ready. People like me, on the otherhand, run our cars into all sorts of things - not excluding the husband's newish string trimmer on wheels that he was so excited to get and now it looks like an unfortunate bicylce accident - and yet, yet we have no Ikea to go wherein we can seek comfort. We can only live vicariously through fellow bloggers...
I love, love, lovity love your blog, by the way.

Posted by: anne | July 1, 2005 10:17 PM

Oh Miss Doxie...I, too, know the pain of catching my heel in the cuff of my pants and tumbling ass over teakettle down a flight of stairs. In front of half my law school class, several of whom had to help me up. On the first day my health insurance had lapsed. Which was, of course, my birthday.

And my sister? Who was calling to wish me a happy birthday at the time that I was humiliating and injuring myself? Laughed so hard at me that she could barely get out the happy birthday. And then she hung up and told my parents. Who called to laugh at me.

Anyway...literally, I feel your pain. But somehow? It's so much funnier when you do it.. Or at least when you tell it.. :)

Posted by: Kathryn | July 1, 2005 11:34 PM

Doxie, you fucking kill me. I was dying laughing at this entry when my husband happened to walk by me stark naked, and he looked at me really funny and said, "why are you laughing?" Thinking I was laughing at him.I tried to explain that it was Doxie who made me do it...but whatever.

Have a great fourth of July!

Posted by: Jen | July 2, 2005 12:46 AM

About three weeks ago I was riding my bike to work when a pole jumped out in front of me and made me crash. The bruises are just now starting to fade. I sympathize with you, and know full well where the blame lies.

Posted by: emm | July 2, 2005 07:09 AM

Poles are very evil. Just ask my boyfriend. He was driving us on his moped, me 6 months pregnant, and he drove too close and swiped my knee on a busstop pole. Oh--not he, as in *he* did it--oh no, the pole. The pole. The pole did it. A few stitches later and he was joking that maybe it was his inner IRA guy coming out. Mmhm. The pole.

Posted by: jmj | July 2, 2005 07:43 AM

YOU are just toooo funny! Sorry about all your pain. Hope nothing happens that would cause enough bodily harm while you're having fun this weekend that would keep you from writing...because....I'm sorry....but you're right. Everything comes in threes. AVOID all poles and stairs. That's a safe start and hopefully, somebody will warn you about all things lakewise. Be verrrryyyyy, verrryyy careful girlfriend. U2 funny.

Posted by: Kim | July 2, 2005 08:29 AM

Ikea will always be busy, but it will die down. Can you wait three months? I couldn't, but maybe you have will power of steel.

Posted by: Bethiclaus | July 2, 2005 08:47 AM

" I HATE THE PARKING GARAGE SO MUCH. THE PARKING GARAGE IS MY SWORN ENEMY"

One word: Mass transit. OK, that's two words, but you could sneer superciliously (and there's no better way to sneer) and laugh at their garage tragedies.

Really one word: Motorcycle. There's so much space, and they are so maneuverable that you could ride rings around any poles and laugh at them without being attacked.

Maybe you could just have guard rails attached to the sides of your car. All your co-workers would be impressed and jealous, and the poles would fume in frustration.

I'm really just experiencing Ikeaenvy.

Posted by: Mark | July 2, 2005 10:04 AM

I was cracking up at the toppling because I have a pair of pants that my shoes ALWAYS get caught up in. I have fallen down many flights of stairs, sometimes with my laptop in tow. Now I take the elevator. Or I walk with my shoes far from the opposing pant leg, but that gets me funny looks. :)

Posted by: lauren | July 2, 2005 11:13 AM

Have I ever told you how much you remind me of a very young Lucy O'Ball? Very much so.

Posted by: Brighton | July 2, 2005 12:20 PM

parking garage poles suck. when my office building had gates installed on the underground garage, they also added new poles which i hadn't seen on the way in.... but dramatically experienced on the way out. damn them! my white car now has a kind of yellow racing streak on the rear passenger door. me no like! me no park down there no mo'. (me talk funny now.)

Posted by: erin | July 2, 2005 02:23 PM

How come devin doesn't get a big D?

I can't wait to fly back to ATL and experience my first IKEA in the USA :o)

Posted by: David | July 2, 2005 03:08 PM

Here is the key to parking at the new IKEA: follow the signs that say "additional IKEA parking." What they mean by additional is ONLY because when I went on Friday, they had the main driveway closed and you could only go in the additional way. 80,000 people in cars around the huge big block didn't realize this, and I zipped right in. And also by additional, they mean main parking, because it is the one that goes right under the IKEA store. So yes, additional parking is the trick to not going one mile per hour.
Note to Mark, above: clearly, you don't live in Atlanta. Mass transit here = 2 subway lines and ghettofied buses. Ha!

Posted by: msmack | July 2, 2005 06:08 PM

Be careful going to Ikea the first time. There are floors and floors of brightly colored objects and lots of umlauts. I get dizzy by the second floor. By the time I get home, I have to stare at a blank wall for an hour or two to combat the hyperstimulation.

Posted by: Erin 2 (electric boogaloo) | July 2, 2005 06:31 PM

IKEA veteran here.

Bottom floor only. Housewares and curtains and plants OH MY. ;)

and the umlauts also drive me crazy.

Also? 2pm on a Wednesday is a good time for IKEA.

Posted by: amy | July 2, 2005 10:47 PM

First off, I wasn't wondering what you bought at Ikea, just where have you been? Second, girl.. it was a stationary pole. And. You fall way too much. You should take Tai Chi or something. At the very least you should cover yourself in bubble wrap.. and while you're at it you should cover your new(ish) car too. ;)

psuche

p.s. I'm truly sorry about your friend.

Posted by: Psuche | July 2, 2005 11:23 PM

At least you fell in front of people who knew you and could be supportive. I once fell over backward on an airport escalator (I was pulling a heavy rolly-bag and thought I had pulled it onto the "stair" behind me but not so much), and I couldn't get up because every time I grabbed the side wall for support it kept going by (duh, escalator) and eventually the stranger behind me grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me up.

And I've never hit a pole with my car, but I have gotten into accidents in parking lots where mine was the only vehicle moving. So it's not just you, although you might have moments of thinking that way (I know I do sometimes)>

Look on the bright side -- you've probably got a trip to Ikea in the near future, and I've never even seen one here in Jersey.

Posted by: Dave | July 3, 2005 12:48 PM

wait for that thing to settle in for a while, you don't want to go now anyway (THIS WAY TO SHUTTLE PARKING FOR IKEA... what??!) .. it's quite a phenomenon though, it's the only attraction i've seen that has caused atlantans to get up early. but... IT'S LOW QUALITY FURNITURE PEOPLE WHAT IS THE DRAW??? don't get me wrong i loves me some dogs for a buck but i'm sure as shit not taking off work to go kobyashi in the midst of new aged scandavian decor...

anyway bummer about your vehicle i pinned my truck against a concrete support pillar in my garage and never really bothered to get it fixed. luckily you coulnd hardly notice it but man what a bonehead move...

Posted by: dandylion | July 3, 2005 04:00 PM

wait for that thing to settle in for a while, you don't want to go now anyway (THIS WAY TO SHUTTLE PARKING FOR IKEA... what??!) .. it's quite a phenomenon though, it's the only attraction i've seen that has caused atlantans to get up early. but... IT'S LOW QUALITY FURNITURE PEOPLE WHAT IS THE DRAW??? don't get me wrong i loves me some dogs for a buck but i'm sure as shit not taking off work to go kobyashi in the midst of new aged scandavian decor...

anyway bummer about your vehicle i pinned my truck against a concrete support pillar in my garage and never really bothered to get it fixed. luckily you coulnd hardly notice it but man what a bonehead move...

Posted by: dandylion | July 3, 2005 04:01 PM

Hey Leigh!

Sorry about the new car - I have a friend of mine who also dented up her ride in the first two weeks of ownership - she of course blames the car, until I helpfully pointed out that it DID go where she told it too. Anyway, here's a hot tip - International House of Pancakes (IHOP) has crepes with Lingonberry topping - it might keep ya going till you finally get to Ikea!!
Have fun on the 4th - watch those damn sparklers!!

Posted by: mramunds | July 3, 2005 11:02 PM

Ok people.. what are these umlauts you speak of?? And where's our bicycling Ikea guy? I feel jipped..especially since ours is only like one floor.. there's no multiple floors in Seattle (actually the Ikea is south of Seattle in Renton of all places cuz it takes up at least a whole city block)..hmm.. pisser.

And girl, I was giggling at the garage being the sworn enemy, then it was laughing outloud by stair falling time.. then it came to silent laughter, stomach pain, and woman, you laughed me to tears by 'force to be reckoned with'.. fucking hilarious, you.. and watch yourself, will you, grace? ;)

Posted by: Angel | July 4, 2005 03:30 AM

"You feel sorry for the little lamp. That is 'cuz you're crazy. the lamp has no feelings and the new one is much nicer."

I would SO pay the ikea commercial guy to hang out with me for a day. just to hang out. because DAMN! those commercials are some funny shit.

Anyway, it's good to hear that Ikea's in the states, are just as painfully chaotic and addictive as the ones in Canada.

Happy 4th of July!

Posted by: kimmikim | July 4, 2005 08:26 PM

No, no, you're all covered on the 3 bad things:
1. Car hitting pole. Bad car!
2. Heel catching in pants and ripping them.
3. Falling down stairs in front of way too many people.

See? It's all in how you count.

Sorry about the car, but you really aren't missing anything at Ikea. Wait a year or so, there will be no crowds.

Posted by: Citations | July 5, 2005 09:24 AM

msmack: I don't live in Atlanta, though I visted once (pretty, and don't I remember a subway? But even the mashed potatos were fried in grease). I live in the Ikea desert, equidistant from every Ikea everywhere, the geographic center of non-ikeaville. My comment was a feeble attempt at humor, and maybe cattiness, as telling someone who trips on her pants to ride a motorcycle is asking for trouble. Please don't get a motorcyle, Leigh - I enjoy your writing too much to lose you like that.

Posted by: Mark | July 5, 2005 09:58 AM

Perfect time for Ikea: about 8pm on a Friday night after at least one bottle of wine with dinner...you just have to make sure you have a designated "take this crap out of the cart because I don't even know what it is, so who cares if it is only $4.99" friend...

Posted by: testing | July 5, 2005 11:52 AM

I live not too far from Ikea. There was a traffic backup Saturday around 14th St up Northside and then over to 17th Street. I say you enter from 17th street but from the 75/85 side. That way you can't avoid the stoplights at 14th and Northside.

Posted by: stella | July 5, 2005 12:37 PM

OK, one of your posters has recommended a "motorcycle" to cure your garage pole scraping problem. Should Miss Doxie, who in the last week, has struck a motionless pole and tripped over her skirt, really be a good candidate for a motorcycle. I enjoy your writing too much, and as much as hospitals could use the organ donations, please for the love of god, don't consider getting a motorcycle.

Posted by: Doug | July 5, 2005 02:33 PM

Friday. Between 7 and 9 pm. That's when all the regular ikea shoppers are off doing non-ikea things. Maybe wait until the hype dies down though as Friday night at the spanky new Atlanta Ikea may qualify as date material to some. Also, fuck the meatballs and lingonberry sauce. head straight for the Daim tort [drool] (which, handily, you can also buy frozen whole to take home. Also, must purchase cute little baby cinnamon rolls in tan and red plastic bag from food shop and take home and heat in microwave. They are made from crack. You will hunt me down and kill me in six months time when you no longer fit through the doorway at Ikea any more. trust me. Crack. Pure crack.

Posted by: Lyn | July 6, 2005 09:15 AM

You are in big trouble because while I was reading I started laughing outloud (snickering, really) and I could not finish. I have an officemate and must appear serious and work-like at work. And, yes, I am laughing at your pain. Is that so wrong?

I'll have to come back to this later on...

Posted by: jamy | July 6, 2005 03:34 PM

I have a scrape on my car from the parking gargage in my old office building, which also had poles everywhere. It's extra annoying when you scrape your nice new car, isn't it?

Thank goodness there aren't any stairs in my office! I'd probably end up somersaulting down them on a weekly basis.

Hope you get to experience the wonder of IKEA soon.

Posted by: bad penguin | July 7, 2005 10:06 AM

I laughed so hard I almost got kicked out of meeting. I really should know better than to read your entries when I'm supposed to be looking like I'm interested in my surroundings.

DO NOT give up on IKEA. I have 2 buffets, 2 glass door wall cabinets, 4 dressers, and more glasses, bowls, candles, candle holders and plastic drawer organizers than a human being can ever use. I just bought a $9 wooden step ladder / stool thing (stluuder?) for my bathroom. I don't even know why I bought it--my cat sits on it and watches me brush my teeth. I think I just couldn't believe that a piece of furniture could be ONLY NINE DOLLARS!

In any case, good luck with the car. My 11-year-old green monster has finally decided to leak various fluids, so I'll be following in your car-buying footsteps soon. I hope there's not a pole out there lurking for me as well...

Posted by: missy | July 7, 2005 03:29 PM

Oh, man. We are so much alike in the falling down and the problems with immovable objects. I can fall up stairs, down stairs, off sidewalks. Anywhere! And I ran into a guardrail on a one lane bridge and ripped a big chunk out of my fender not long ago. So yeah, I can relate!!

Posted by: Christi | July 7, 2005 08:22 PM

Got this from my Economist city briefing emails...See this is big news!

Attention, shoppers
Few stores have been so eagerly anticipated in Atlanta as Ikea, a bargain-stocked Swedish home-furnishings chain, which opened a 366,000-square foot behemoth in Atlantic Station on June 29th. Would-be patrons lined up early to win gifts and see the “traditional Swedish log-sawing ceremony,” in which Mayor Franklin gamely took part. One store employee predicted 20,000 visitors on the first day alone. The crush was so great that in addition to its much-touted 1,500-space car park, Ikea set up shuttles from MARTA stations and from other car parks within Atlantic Station.

Posted by: Morgan | July 21, 2005 12:01 PM

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