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Revenge of the...Something.

June 13, 2005

So, we went to see that, finally. Dukay and I. But we hadn't seen the other one, the Episode 2 one, so we watched that one first. And there...there is a lot of frolicking in it. In fields.

Frolicking makes Dukay nervous. Frolicking makes Dukay think that people are maybe about to burst into song. Dukay hates it when people burst into song.

But, we watched it, and nobody sang, and so yesterday we went to the movie theater that serves drinks and food (Hi. Yes. And you get to sit in comfortable chairs, and why are all movies not like this?) and we watched the Return of the Sith, and it was...kind of long. And Natalie Portman is glowy. And kind of wearing a lot of layers. That is all that really registered with me.

I am not, in general, a huge fan of the science fiction thing, including the genre of superhero movies. I didn't get Spiderman. And also, I don't care what you say, people, but Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal ARE THE SAME PERSON. YES. They have been tricking you all this time.

Doesn't anyone see this but me? It is FREAKING ME OUT. They are never in the same room together at the same time! It is Batmannish.

But, anyway. Star Wars. I am just going to go ahead and tell y'all that my love for the original (Episode IV, apparently) is undiminished and great, and when I was five, I watched that movie PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY. I did. On Beta. TOP THAT.

I was mostly convinced that I was, in fact, Princess Leia, and had the underroos to prove this. Also, my grandmother made me a white drapey-dress thingy with a belt for Halloween, and I wore that just about every day of my life. And...well. Maybe things got a little bit unhealthy there, just a little, when the pressure cooker got involved, but...you know.

Yeah. I said it. PRESSURE COOKER.

Because, see, the pressure cooker? Was small. And cylindrical. And had a domed glass top, and buttons. And...do we see who that looks like? Maybe? A little?

I will give you a clue.

Pressure cooker.


I mean, sort of. Shut up.

Except the pressure cooker we had was much more R2 like. I swear. I have witnesses.

And, anyway. It also had an extension cord, and maybe it has been alleged that a five-year old Miss Doxie would wander around the house, DRAGGING the pressure cooker by said extension cord, from room to room, TALKING TO IT, and maybe, JUST POSSIBLY, making beeping noises when it..."responded."

Maybe we would have guests over, who would walk into the den, find me whispering to the pressure cooker. Maybe those guests would then...leave. I don't know.

So. Anyway. Now you know.

Also, as long as we're talking Star Wars (or...I am, anyway), I would be remiss not to share one of my favorite Star Wars related stories of all time. And here it is.

So, one time? In college? When one of my friends was in the car with another one of my friends, who had (allegedly) just consumed/inhaled a wide variety of controlled substances? And they were in the middle of Officially Fucking Nowhere, North Georgia? And that is when they got pulled over by the cops? Yes!

And my sober friend, who was driving, and whom we will call Mr. Sobriety, was like, "DUDE. You will not talk. You will leave the talking to me. You will be completely silent and mute-like."

And the friend, whom we will call The Other Guy, immediately responded with: "..."

Because that is about all he was capable of at that particular moment.

So the cop approached, and this is what went down:

Cop: Let's see your license and registration.

Mr. Sobriety: (reaches for his wallet)

Mr. The Other Guy: (lunges across the car, thrusts his hand in the officer's face, makes swirly motions with his fingers.)

Cop: Hi.

Mr. The Other Guy: You don't NEED to see his identification.

Cop: (stares blankly)

Mr. Sobriety: Uh...


Mr. Sobriety: Oh, FUCK.

Mr. The Other Guy: MOVE ALONG!

You can imagine the fun that followed. Fortunately, nobody was arrested very much.

And...those are my Star Wars stories. All two of them. Don't judge me.

Because, if you'd have had a pressure cooker, you'd have loved it, too.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


We used to try and use the Force on my mom, to convince her that fish sticks were made entirely of poison, and that "Falcon Crest" was actually a prime-time educational show. About wine-making.

Posted by: Coleen | June 13, 2005 07:44 PM

I can totally see the connection between the pressure cooker and R2....I'm really surprised that Steven (we're like THIS, me and Steven) didn't see it. Maybe it was a "Product Placement thing....Y'know, Rival wouldn't pay enough to have the pressure cooker in the movie, so they made R2 look less like it. Imagine what they could have done with the whistles under pressure!

Posted by: Mark | June 13, 2005 09:05 PM

Oh yeah, and "these are not the droids....." made me snort beer out my nose onto the keyboard.

Posted by: Mark | June 13, 2005 09:06 PM

I used to put my hair in Princess Leia braids.

I still do, but when they're like that now I cover them with a swim cap (dude, NO TANGLES!!!)

Posted by: Kate | June 13, 2005 09:08 PM

Hey! I see what you did there. mmm hmmm. I'm on to you. You changed the title. Oh well, I forgive.

Anyhoo, I heart you. I suffer from uncontrollable giggling when I read your posts.

Keep it up!

Posted by: Hoof Arted | June 13, 2005 09:30 PM

Very funny! Slap the table funny. ;)

Posted by: Erin | June 13, 2005 09:43 PM

Well, I don't know about Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal (mostly because I'm kind of in love with Jake), but -- Aaron Carter and Jesse McCartney? I mean, while we're on the topic of Star Wars, now that's an attack of the clones! When I first saw that McCartney kid in commercials and stuff, I seriously thought to myself, "Huh. Why is Aaron Carter going by that name now?"

Posted by: Lauren | June 13, 2005 10:27 PM

There are people sleeping here! I can't be laughing this loud at all hours of the night. "makes swirly motions with his fingers.." HaHAHAHAHAHA! You kill me. Hugs to my boyfriend, Bo.

Posted by: suz | June 14, 2005 01:39 AM

"These are not the droids you're looking for"
- I am so glad not eating breakfast yet -porridge-covered computer screen,not pretty!
Tobey and Jake, not same person. Jake hot.Tobey Maguire and Elijah Wood, on other hand.......see Sin City, and see what I mean?

Posted by: fifi | June 14, 2005 04:30 AM

I totally thought Jake & Tobey were the same person, but also Topher Grace. And, then I got the Genes Hackman & Wilder confused.


Posted by: Boozie | June 14, 2005 08:17 AM

My loud and raucous giggling might possibly have just revealed to my coworkers that I am, in fact, NOT working diligently. Teehee.

Posted by: LadyBug | June 14, 2005 09:35 AM

It is quite a good thing that my boss is out for the day because when the crazy, LOUD laughter just burst from my office, I may have been fired. But the force man, it can have it's way on people. I had the same white sheet Princess Leia costume...with the buns and all. I truly believed that I was Princess Leia for awhile...it kinda explains a lot in my adult years. Thanks for sharing!

Posted by: Andrea | June 14, 2005 09:44 AM

Ah, Underoos. How I loved you! I had Supergirl ones and also Wonderwoman and they were AWESOME.

Posted by: Em | June 14, 2005 10:19 AM

I tend to agree w/ Fifi that Tobey and Elijah are more the same person, and mostly cuz I love Jake.. God.. but girl.. I used to LOVE underoos.. ahh the memories. Thanks for the giggles, as usual.

Posted by: Angel | June 14, 2005 10:32 AM

I seem to recall actually wanting to be R2-D2. And I'm pretty sure I had the Underroos. Is this weird? That I wanted to be a robot? Also, I love the fact that your friends actually did this. Had I not been able to use "I'm from Georgia" as an excuse, I might have employed the Force a few times myself.

Posted by: kilowatthour | June 14, 2005 10:33 AM

There really ought to be a warning label on this entry to the effect of: "Not safe for reading in meetings". I should have known better, I'm not very good at disguising laughter with coughing...

Posted by: Sabine | June 14, 2005 10:43 AM

My mom let us paint these wooden ornaments for the Christmas tree when we were little, and I chose the teddy bear and pretended it was an ewok. That ornament might be the ugliest thing I've seen in a long time. I don't think it ever made the front of the tree. It was always placed in the back, with all our other homemade ornaments. My mom's a tree snob.

Posted by: smartjuice | June 14, 2005 11:46 AM

ROTFLMAO!!! I HAVE to try that next time I get pulled over.

Posted by: Jon in Michigan | June 14, 2005 12:01 PM

OMG that is funny. Now I have an image in my brain of a little blond girl dragging a pressure cooker across hardwood floors (this image also has sound effects.. of a nasty scraping noise).

Posted by: Psuche | June 14, 2005 01:45 PM

OMG - You are on the top of my "to read" blog list now - you have one of the funniest blogs I have ever read!

Posted by: destinyqueen | June 14, 2005 01:53 PM

Totally with you on the Tobey Maguire/Jake Gyllenhaal thing. I saw "The Day After Tomorrow" on cable (note: no one should do this) last month and said exactly the same thing to my husband: They are the same person. Just they put the funny eyebrows on him when he's Jake.

My husband wants to know if, during your Princess Leia phase, you ever put your hair up in cinnamon buns and put on . . . that outfit. You know, the one Rachel once wore for Ross on "Friends".

Posted by: Gretchen C. | June 14, 2005 01:59 PM

I just realized there were two different guys in that movie. Makes more sense now. Still sucks.

ps. when did we start putting shout outs in other people's blog comments? maybe I'll try it: love to Johnny Depp!

Posted by: courtney | June 14, 2005 05:40 PM

The mental picture. Ha! A three foot tall Miss Doxie being diligently followed around the house by (dragging!)a beeping pressure cooker. Completely priceless.

And underroos. I had forgotten about underroos. Thanks for the reminder! I think I blocked out all memories of those since the day my shorts were soaked by a water sprinkler at summer camp - when I was eight or so - revealing my bright and colorful superhero skivies. The horror. Imagine lots of pointing fingers and laughter. Diggy may have witnessed this.

One of my favorite entries. Thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | June 14, 2005 06:10 PM

I ALSO had the Princess Leia costume made out of a sheet! The same year, my little brother was Chewabaca? His costume consisted of: my Dad's brown mohair sweater, a pair of brown Toughskins, and a plastic Chewy mask. I can still remember the excitement as we approached our first house on Halloween, only to be met with the crushing exclamation: "Oh, look! A ghost and a gorilla!"
(PS Although we never talked to the pressure cooker {probably because we didn't think of it}, we DID sprinkle Country Time Lemonade in each other's hair and pretend it was Peter Pan's Pixie dust. Is that sufficiently dorky?)

Posted by: daisy | June 14, 2005 08:53 PM

Oh, Miss Doxie, I think you are brilliantly funny. Confession: I thought I was Kate Jackson, from Charlie's Angels when I was a kid. I'd talk to "Charlie" on my radio that I placed near our phone so I could pretend it was a speaker phone and "Charlie" was giving me my latest assignment.

Posted by: Vanessa_AR | June 14, 2005 09:47 PM

You HAD underoos? Hmmm. So those who might STILL have them should... maybe not admit this if they are over the age of 20?

Just had to drop a comment since I only started obsessively reading your blog... thingy here about a week ago after I told my friend I needed rehab for What a Girl Wants.

I could ramble for hours about Star Wars stories but my roommates have informed me that we have a tsunami warning in our area (because THAT is normal) and that I must prepare. Honestly, I have it all already: credit cards, check. ID, check. Cat, check. wine coolers, check. What more could one ask for when fleeing a building sized wave?

(Note: Those rolly vacuum cleaners + things it should not be sucking up = R2-D2 complete with beeps and squeals.)

Posted by: Kole | June 14, 2005 11:11 PM

this one time, ok, it was 2 weeks ago. I started spontaneously talking like Yoda at work and I outgeeked the geeks in IT, and they like said I should go to a Star Wars convention because I would totally be Queen of all I survey.

This was a big step us, as for past 5 years they've generally referred to me as Princess or Barbie, or the dreaded Princess Barbie.

I saw Star Wars in the theatre. I was 8. I had a fight with my best friend and she invited me to go with her family to make up to me.

Posted by: amy | June 15, 2005 02:37 AM

That was so funny. I saw Star Wars last night too but I'd already seen it once. Did I just admit to seeing it twice in theaters? But I was bored. And there were snacks, so, yeah? I may have eaten all my snacks and half of someone else's too. But, okay.

Posted by: RadiantSky | June 15, 2005 04:26 AM

Oh my god I nearly choked on my coco puffs..I can only imagine the face of that cop

Posted by: Magnolia | June 15, 2005 10:20 AM

Oh my god - you know who else is the same person as Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal (and Topher grace)? Elijah Wood. I always thought the guy who played Spiderman and the guy who played Frodo Hobbit guy in LOTR were the same actor. They are, aren't they? (P.S. I hate spiderman AND LOTR - but my boyfriend loves them. I make him watch Absolutely Fabulous and the L Word to get even). I love your diary!

Posted by: chillier | June 15, 2005 11:37 AM


My boy hates it when there is spontaneous song too. It's just not ok with him.

Posted by: She who shall not be named | June 15, 2005 01:06 PM

oh my god that did make me laugh. the other guy with the swirling hand. ha ha, tee hee. yes, funny.

Posted by: honestyrain | June 15, 2005 01:24 PM

I happen to be a big fan of spontaneous bursting of songs. As long as I get to shoot at random the people whom are doing the breaking of song.

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet. Probably won't until it comes out on DVD. I'm so poor, the homeless guy who rides around on his bicycle with one wheel and collects bottles has more money than me.

And maybe thats an exaggeration. Who knows.

Posted by: number1hypocrite | June 15, 2005 06:09 PM

LOVE your site! really you should have your own TV show or a book deal at the least! I going to tell everyone i know about you! So happy to have come across your site searching for doxie related stuff. have you seen this site?: http://shop.store.yahoo.com/rockscissorpaper/ilovedoxies.html
keep up the good work! you crack me up! long live miss doxie!

Posted by: sara | June 15, 2005 07:41 PM

Jake and Toby - absolutely the same person. You know who else are creepy twins? Helen Hunt and that damn Leelee Sobieski. I used to love Helen and now I hate her because she reminds me of the dreaded Leelee.

Posted by: Kristin | June 16, 2005 05:00 PM

Are you kidding? I still talk to my pressure cooker, and the steamer, and the fridge, and the toaster. What can I say? I'm a stay at home mom with small kids, conversation is scarce. Beep beep.

Posted by: Brighton | June 16, 2005 07:12 PM

I talked to nail polish bottles. A talking pressure cooker sounds pretty normal to me.

Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist | June 16, 2005 10:42 PM

I told my husband I didn't want to see these movies. Thanks for some anecdotes I can use as ammunition!

Posted by: Beth | June 17, 2005 12:04 AM

I think I just peed my pants.

Posted by: Floyd | June 17, 2005 01:14 PM

Holy crap. I just read your profile - are you sure you aren't me? Just wondering.

Posted by: Floyd | June 17, 2005 01:16 PM

"I watched that movie PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY. I did. On Beta. TOP THAT."

I will: I still have a functional Beta machine. That I USE.

Posted by: Sister Rae | June 18, 2005 08:02 AM

Oh Doxie! Everytime I think "this has got to be the funniest one yet", you surpass yourself again. It has gotten to the point where I go to the bathroom, and do an asthma inhaler puff before I even start to read your latest entry. I don't see how your fans can read this stuff at work or in meetings. What stomach muscles they must have to be able to keep in the laughter.

PS: You could name your car "Conference". Then you can come in late or sneak out of work early and tell people who were looking for you that you were in a.....

Posted by: mackmamma | June 18, 2005 04:14 PM

ha! how often do people in your life burst into song for that to be a problem?? id like it to happen MORE for me actually.
when i was little id play 'ghostbusters' and id be janine and talk to (i dont know which one exactly) aptly played by my 'boyfriend' (kid who lived down the street and was in my class)and other kids. except id still play it without any other of them around...because im odd like that...

Posted by: monkey-typist | June 18, 2005 06:54 PM

"Maybe we would have guests over, who would walk into the den, find me whispering to the pressure cooker." I laughed for about 5 minutes after reading that. Hilarious!

When I was 5 or 6 I used to pretend that I was my mom's friend. I called myself Kathy and I'd complain that the kids were driving me crazy and my husband was always on the road. Now THAT's embarrassing.

Posted by: Leslie | June 19, 2005 01:56 PM

doxie, why the cruelly witholding of new posts? don't you know i require your blog for my daily laughs. ah the agony. you will write more frequently [sneaky obi-wan hand motion].

Posted by: kt | June 19, 2005 03:19 PM

So hysterical laughter, yes. And perhaps a little peeing. I've related this anecdote to...all the Star Wars friends I have. (Which are many more than one person should be alotted. Really.)

When I was about 6, my mother (who was a seamstress) made me a Rainbow Brite costume. Anyone remember her? Yes, and I was...supremely pissed when I pressed my rainbow belt and nothing happened. *sigh* Must learn the disappointment early, I guess.

Posted by: Haley | June 22, 2005 02:14 AM


Posted by: Jenny | June 23, 2005 09:04 AM

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