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Directions, Shmirections. (Or...Erections! Ha. That's funny to me.)

June 07, 2005

Well, I have finally succeeded in buying a new car. This took...time. It took time, because the ASSHOLE who I was purchasing a car from? JAY? Well. We negotiated the deal, and he agreed to get this big ass scratch fixed, and then he turned around and sold the car to someone else who DID NOT SEE the scratch. Possibly a blind person. I don't know. Anyway, there was screaming and cussing involved. Y'all know.

But, so, I found another car, from a very nice man named Tom, and Tom was cool, and was not slimy (as was JAY, EVIL used car salesman whose name I curse regularly), and Tom got me all new tires and got the car detailed, and I finally fucking picked up the car tonight. And now I am inviting all manner of people over to my house to take test drives. The phone calls go something like this:

Self: Hey! Want to drive my car?

Friend of Doxie: Um. No?

Self: Yes you do. Come over now if you know what is good for you.

Friend of Doxie: Sigh. Maybe...not so much at ten on a Tuesday night. Later though! Kisses!

Self: You are a Hater. I shall now write about you on the internet. And my car will throw up on you directly.

And so on. Anyway, Dukay and I went to dinner to celebrate, where I promptly misjudged the front length of my new(ish) car and drove directly over the curb and into a flower garden. Hi.

And then I called my mother, and forced her to come to the parking lot located next to the restaurant, and see my new(ish) car. Which she did do, because she is long-suffering, and then she drove the car in circles and was like, "Well, it...circles nicely, dear."

Also, she said it was pretty. IT IS. It is very pretty, and also it has a computer thingy that tells me where I am. And y'all, THANK GOD.

People, I do not think I have explained to you how bad I am with directions. Ha! So bad! It is one of those things I cannot understand, like that I described last week. Not at all, not even if you promise me shoes and wine, I CANNOT FIND YOUR HOUSE. And then I cannot find my way home. I will have to live with you.

I am perpeturally trapped in a state of almost-lost, which means that on my first day of work at my new job, I had to call my dad and have him talk me through the directions, WHICH ARE NOT THAT COMPLICATED, and pretty much went like, "Go straight...okay, take a right...and, uh, park."

But still. I can't find anything. I have gotten lost between my parents' house and my own. AND THIS IS FOUR MILES. I have had to accept the fact that my directional instincts = always wrong, because otherwise, I end up in a part of town that is strange and unusual and which I have never seen before, and which may, in fact, be Alabama. This has happpened. I am not kidding.

Actually! One time? In college? I was the driver for a trip to Miami of Ohio, to visit our friends there, and my cute boyfriend who possibly turned out to be gay. So, I'm driving, and everyone falls asleep, and eventually I am lost enough to stop and ask questions, AND THIS IS WHERE I LEARN THAT WE ARE IN INDIANA.

And another time! I was named Driver for our trip to Mardi Gras. And again, my idiot friends fell asleep, and I was responsible for navigating our way to New Orleans. And all was going well, I thought, until I somehow ended up on a smaller road, which led to a sort-of paved road, which...led to a dirt road, which led to...uh. The woods. The forest. Where the road stopped. In the middle of Louisiana. Which is haunted.

I woke everyone up, all, "Um, we're...in a forest! Isn't it magical?"

Obviously, everyone was thrilled with me. I am the best driver ever. Who else takes you to haunted forests? NOBODY! Hop in, people!

So. The navigational computer thingy is gorgeous, and it knows where I am, and knows how to get me home, and is smarter than most college professors. And totally worth all the ridiculous money I paid (it IS, SHUT UP) even though the dogs and I will be eating Ramen for the next...sixty months. Give or take.

So, that's that. Car = bought. In the driveway. Waiting for a place in the garage, which must now be cleaned out. (This will be an devastating story, I am sure. Wait until next week, when I discover the box full of REFRIGERATED GOODS that I remember packing back in 2002, but have not seen since. Death waits in the garage.)

And I'm all excited, y'all. I bought a car! It is pretty! Thanks to Tom, for not being a fuck, and for not saying, "You just need to grow up, young lady, and live in the real world like the rest of us," WHICH IS MAYBE WHAT JAY SAID TO ME, when he admitted he had SOLD THE CAR I had already negotiated to buy. Ha ha, Jay! You know, I think we should go on another test drive.

I know a pretty good forest we could check out.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


I have a new(ish) car, too!

Mine doesn't tell me where I am, and I highly doubt that its better looking than yours. Its just a measly Saturn. But it beats the shit out of the 1991 Buick I was driving around before.

Posted by: number1hypocrite | June 7, 2005 10:24 PM

A recent discoverer of this site, via the Diarist Awards page...now a frequent flyer. Someone please give this girl a book deal, stat. Miss Doxie rocks, that is all.

Posted by: lucabrassi | June 7, 2005 10:47 PM

Nobody should have to drive and simultaneously navigate. It takes 100% of a person's brain to navigate properly, and what does that leave for driving skillz? So props to you for getting a car that navigates itself. Soon as they invent a car that drives itself, I'll get one. Rather than learning to drive, cuz that'd be too difficult. I navigate pretty good, though....

Posted by: fifi | June 8, 2005 04:09 AM

Hey, I think we have the same directional sense! If I'm sitting at an intersection, wondering if I should go right or left or possibly even straight even though that is a bank directly in front of me and not, technically, a road, I know very well (now, after years of being perpetually lost) that it makes NO DIFFERENCE which direction I go because it will be WRONG. The location of the place I'm trying to find will CHANGE depending on which way I turn.

The location of everything in the world revolves around me.

And so I am very good at making U-turns. Often in the middle of a four lane road.

P.S. Way to be awesome, Miss Doxie, and congratulations on your direction-giving car!

Posted by: Emily | June 8, 2005 07:17 AM

Your car sounds very pretty and VERY smart! I need a car like that in my life!

And just sic Bo on Jay.. That'll teach him..

Posted by: Kathryn | June 8, 2005 07:49 AM

Drive to my house, Miss Doxie. I will give you wine AND cute shoes.

Posted by: Em | June 8, 2005 08:20 AM

The internet needs pictures so we can tell you how pretty your new(ish) car is.

Posted by: Sheryl | June 8, 2005 08:26 AM

Jay is precisely why I am afraid to go car shopping, even though my car is nearing death. Evil!
Be happy you don't live in Boston, where the directions change on a daily basis. Last summer, I went into the city on Saturday one way, and when I went back on Wednesday? I had to go a completely different way.
Congrats on the new(ish) car!

Posted by: erica | June 8, 2005 08:36 AM

It would be so funny for you to be asking the computer how to get home and on the screen it flashes "Damn if I know, girl!". :D

Congrats on the new car, Miss Doxie! :)

Posted by: Jon in Michigan | June 8, 2005 08:57 AM

Oh my God, I am so with you on the directions thing. When I turned 16 & got my license, I had to ask my Mom how to get from our house to Timberville, which was 7 miles away. She stared at me for a minute, then said, "Lucy, there is only ONE ROAD from here to Timberville. We've driven it almost every single day for the last 9 years. There is NO other way to get there from our house."

Hahahaha! Just kidding Mom, I really did know how to get there.... ahem.

Posted by: Lucy | June 8, 2005 09:00 AM

Miami of Ohio is not too far from Indiana so at least you stopped and asked for directions before you ended up in Illinois! Those passengers should have thanked you!

Posted by: Sara | June 8, 2005 09:00 AM

Girl you are too funny. I laugh out loud reading your entries......and that's more than I do for most "professional" columnists. BTW: my husband, (he who calls me bodacious...ohhh SMART man!) tells me and everyone he knows (ain't no man perfect) that I am "directionally challenged". I do not dispute this. I also very happily get into the passenger seat where I can read road signs, make mental notes of antique shops I want to stop at (if I could just remember how to get there) and sweetly ask my adoring driver.....errr husband to stop so I can...powder my nose. There are benefits to being directionally challenged. A GPS is good too. I like ours. When my lovely man driver isn't available to drive me or isn't willing to sit out in the car for 2 hours while I antique shop (he says he's seen it all, most of it while he was growing up, didn't buy it new, ain't gonna buy it old) I just power up Miss Garmin (our direction thingie) and off we go.

Have fun!

Posted by: Nancy F. | June 8, 2005 09:34 AM

I have been blessed with a pretty good sense of direction, which is good, because I don't have much else sense. Go give your new car a little light, appreciative petting from me.

Posted by: laura | June 8, 2005 10:17 AM

I too am directionally challenged! My instincts are completely wrong. Yet, when I try to outfox them with the reverse psychology maneuver? Still lost. Yet I feel certain the blame should not be ours. It's Atlanta's fault! Congrats on the pretty, pretty car.

Posted by: Renee | June 8, 2005 12:23 PM

Alabama, Indiana.. by the time I got to magical forest my stomach hurt from laughing!

I hate car buying of any kind. During my 2nd one I invited a guy friend to meet me there to keep me from doing any impulse buying. I was there first and when he arrived for moral support, the sales guy STOPPED talking to me.. my friend was like.. dude, we're not together and she's the one buying the car. You might want to talk to her about this.. Needless to say, we didn't buy from him.. bastard.. But I was told, if you think you got a deal, you did.. and just leave it at that.. Don't let the other jackasses like Jay get you down. Congrats!

Posted by: roguedevyl | June 8, 2005 02:18 PM

At long last, another great entry. I was just about to comment again to whine about how I can only read an entry so many times before I must have fresh laughs, and just in time - an new hilarious stream of consciousness! Yay!

So, what I've gathered is, when you come to visit, I will drive ya (to make sure you get here without getting lost!) and then you will have to live here? Wheeee! I'll kick out the other Kiefer Twin to make room.

I'm glad you love your new ride. You deserve it! And Jay is a poser!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | June 8, 2005 06:19 PM

What kind of car?!? The internet is waiting...

Posted by: Melissa | June 9, 2005 09:51 AM

Congrats on the new car. Make sure to get plastic slipcovers on the seats for Bo.

Posted by: randommuse | June 9, 2005 11:28 AM

i know! thanks, kiefer twin. the net IS waiting. all this jibberjabber and no make/model! sheesh.

Posted by: erin | June 9, 2005 02:25 PM

Oh, FINE. Y'all are all going to make fun of me forever, but I bought a Lexus ES300.

I look like someone's dad.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | June 9, 2005 03:03 PM

Loved it! You are a wonderful story teller. I am putting this site as a link of my little sad blog. Yeah, it's not my own address, just blogger. I have to share though, cause this is funny!
If you don't want me too, then let me know.

Posted by: She who shall not be named | June 9, 2005 03:55 PM

In my life there is but one damn thing I can do amazingly well, and that is navigate! Get me there once and I never forget. I can always make sense of even the directions that start with "Go three miles past the cow mailbox..." Which is why I always always drive us everywhere, because DH and his directionally-challenged self gets us lost every time.

See, everyone needs to take me along on all those lovely trips they take. I'm worth way more than my keep in actually getting you there. *sigh* It's the curse of my navigationally-gifted self that I never get to go anywhere anymore where I can use my mad skillz.

Posted by: Miss Fish | June 9, 2005 04:17 PM

The lack of a sense of direction is hereditary on my mother's side of the family. We call it dysdirexia. I prefer to think that I get to see a lot of interesting sites that I would never see otherwise.

Posted by: Erin | June 9, 2005 08:09 PM

No car comments. I just wanted to say Yay! You're back!

Posted by: Shawna | June 9, 2005 09:14 PM

I just found your site through someone else's blog - I can't remember whose right now darn it. But oh man - I love it! Plus I have four dogs, one of which is a doxie, so you now have another loyal reader!

Posted by: Heather | June 9, 2005 10:43 PM

Pictures, missy. Have you thought of a good name for it? Since it sounds so Dad-like, I'm thinking "Hubie" would be awesome.

Congratulations! Maybe some weekend this summer, I will drive Stella down to visit.

Posted by: Coleen | June 10, 2005 09:46 AM

I'm pretty good with directions, but I had to call my mom to find out how to make soup. I'm sorry, not MAKE - I wasn't dicing veggies, seasoning and boiling chicken for stock...nonono. I was warming up a can of soup.

I guess we all have our issues.

Posted by: allison | June 10, 2005 09:49 AM

Your sense of direction is better than my daughter's who has gotten lost in our house. That has only 5 1/2-ish rooms. Not including the attic or basement, mind you, but she didn't get lost up there or down there.

Posted by: Erratic Prophet | June 10, 2005 11:29 AM

oh my god, f-ing hilarious! i just read this aloud to my co-workers and we had a nice guffaw to begin our Friday afternoon.

Posted by: Kristine | June 10, 2005 12:07 PM

Oh god i cant even get thru your entries without laughing so hard i cry! i love reading you!

Posted by: JOnelle | June 10, 2005 01:29 PM

An ES300?! Did it come with liver spots, plaid pants and gin breath?

Posted by: Dr. Johnny Fever | June 10, 2005 05:27 PM

Discovered your site recently and have spent most of my work hours reading through all the past hilarious entries. Congrats on the new car!

Before I go anywhere, I have to sit in my car and work through the directions BACKWARDS just to make sure I don't pull out of the driveway and start off already going in the wrong direction. Hopeless.

Posted by: Kinsey | June 11, 2005 08:20 PM

hahaha. i was going to reassure you and let you know growing up in atlanta is terrible if you're trying to learn your way around. most of the streets follow indian trails and there's nothing euclidian about the traffic patterns at all. but then you got lost going to NO?? you need to take precisely 2 roads to get there. hahahaha. that's awesome

Posted by: dandy lion | June 12, 2005 06:53 AM

Hi, I have a new shiny car too! You can come over and drive it! http://www.flickr.com/photos/eh_notsomuch/tags/vibe/

Posted by: Eh... not so much | June 14, 2005 04:47 AM

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