And now, back to our regularly scheduled shopping
Before anything else, I want to say thank you to all of y'all who commented and emailed over the last few days, expressing your sympathies for Noah's death. It meant the world to all of us, and I can't thank you enough. I appreciate it so much. You are all so awesome.
But, you know, that's...enough of having depressing things on the homepage, is what I am thinking. It is time to talk about something else. And the "something else" I am thinking of, is of course, the fact THAT AN IKEA IS OPENING HERE, IN THIS CITY, ON WEDNESDAY. YES. I AM NOT EVEN LYING TO YOU.
People. Ikea. I have never been inside an Ikea before. And I just read in the paper that it is going to be 350,000 square feet of shopping bliss. I, personally, am like...three square feet. Maybe I am even less! Listen, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH A SQUARE FOOT IS, but Ikea has A SHITLOAD OF THEM. And all of their square feet are filled with small trinkets and lamps and wineglasses that I am pretty sure that I need.
The store opens on Wednesday (which...Wednesday?). Evidently, they are giving a $4000 gift certificate to the first person in line, or some other similar marketing ploy that ensures that the Insane have somewhere to sleep on Tuesday night, and by "somewhere" I mean "the Ikea parking lot," or more probably, "the area outside of the front doors," which does not look comfortable to me. But then again, I am kind of a snobby snob snob, and will not sleep on concrete.
(But I have to admit, that I am actually kind of...tempted. Four thousand dollars in Ikea gift certificates! I mean, couldn't you, like...buy everything? You could furnish an entire house at Ikea for four grand. That will buy you seven Iksogomehforr beds and twenty-three Truposedpoj coffee tables. Too bad I am too big a fan of "showering," and also, "my job," to participate.)
So anyway. Ikea. Apparently, there are meatballs there. Meatballs AND furniture, AND lighting solutions, AND vases! VASES! To me, this is like a kind of heaven. To Dukay, this spells, "Apocalypse." It spells, "Apocalypse, with meatballs."
But it's fine if Dukay doesn't come, because everybody else in the state is going. We were all talking about this, in the car, the other day. Me and some of the other attorneys I work with, and they were talking about how they had all been to Ikeas, and it was taking on this kind of mystic quality. Like if you have never been to Iceland, and someone tells you, "Oh, I have been to Iceland, and it is wonderful," and they get that faraway, dreamy look in their eyes, and you are overcome by their cultured...ness, and then you ask them questions like, "Oh! Iceland! Is there ice there? Did you wear a parka? Can you buy inexpensive housewares? ARE THE STORIES TRUE?"
Of all of the people in the car, I was the only one who had never experienced the inside of an Ikea. And there were a number of sympathetic looks cast in my direction, and people gently placing their hand on my arm, all, "Don't worry, dear, you'll get there someday," and PEOPLE, SOMEDAY IS WEDNESDAY, and I'm totally going.
Somehow, the thing I know the most about with Ikea is the crazy ass names they give their products, and YES I KNOW it is not supposed to be English, and yes I know that it is a Scandanavian company (I...think. Something like that), but still. I can imagine myself on Wednesday, having completely fallen in love with a Schmorgazobin bedside table, and then getting confused and ending up with a Schmorgenfritzen shower head, BECAUSE THESE WORDS MEAN NOTHING TO ME. Can't it be like..."Table with glass top thing"? "Chair with cushion part"? "TELEVISION STAND IN BROWN"?
I could totally come up with better Ikea names. I have been working on this. I will even keep the fun, unpronounceable thing they've got going! I will respect the Ikea model!
Anyway, my ideas are as follows:
See? SEE? EASY!
That's all I can come up with right now, because I am tired and I fibbed a minute ago when I said I'd been thinking about this. I have not. I just made those the hell up.
Which means, obviously, that y'all can do better. So, in honor of the Wednesday opening, let's see your Ikea product names! Be creative! Entertain me! Or Dukay will Brakurlegs.
And if you've never been to an Ikea? And have no idea what I'm talking about? Well. Don't worry, dear. You'll make it there.