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The Thing With The Bug

April 28, 2005

Setting: At the wedding rehearsal dinner last weekend, the day before I would walk down the aisle in front of 500 people in a remarkably blue dress. With the 500 people looking at me. At myself. At the person that is me, and I am POSSIBLY A LITTLE NERVOUS.

Self: Drink drink! Drinkdrinkdrink. Wine!

Dukay: Drinkydrinkdrinked!

Self: I love this rehearsal dinner! Outside, great band, great food, great wine...

Dukay: Wine! So good!

Self: I am even starting to not be so nervous about the walking down the aisle thing.

Dukay: Good, baby.

Self: Yeah, it'll be fi...YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH

Dukay: What? Happened?

Self: BUG! BUG BIT ME! HEAD! FOREHEAD!

Dukay: Hee. Seriously?

Self: OW. YES.

Dukay: Hee. Well, that sucks.

Self: Dude, I...there's a BUMP. There is ALREADY A BUMP.

Dukay: Oh, there is not.

Self: I FEEL A BUMP.

Dukay: You lie so much. There is no bump.

Self: Dukay. There is an ENORMOUS bump. A golf-ball sized bump.

Dukay: There is not!

Self: Indeed there IS. It...it feels like I'm growing a HORN.

Dukay: Could you lie any more?

Self: I DO NOT LIE. FEEL THE BUMP.

Dukay: Sigh.

Self: I HAVE TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE IN FRONT OF 500 PEOPLE WITH A BUMP.

Dukay: Oh, it'll go away by then.

Self: It will go...what, the bump you swear I don't have?

Dukay: Wait, what?

Self: What?

Dukay: What?

So I asked my mother.

Self: MOTHER.

Mother: Yes, darling child that I love more than breath?

Self: Mother, do I have a bump?

Mother: You have no bump, sweet precious wonderful baby.

Self: Hmmph. Because I feel a bump.

Mother: Ask your father.

Self: Dad...

Dad: NO BUMP!

Self: Ziz...

Ziz: GOOD CHRIST, SHUT UP ABOUT THE BUMP. THERE IS NO BUMP.

Self: (I still feel a bump.)

So, one would think that, after your FAMILY, who is your BLOOD, and your BOYFRIEND, who sometimes has SEX WITH YOU, would not LIE TO YOUR BUMPY, BUMPY face.

The next morning, I woke up, bump-free. So I forgot about it. Until we got back to town, and I took a look at all the pictures from the weekend. And all I have to say is:

THANKS A LOT, YOU LYING, LYING FUCKERS.

So I walked around like that, all night, talking to extended family and people who haven't seen me in years, and who most likely wandered away, shaking their heads, and thinking, "Poor dear, with that tremendous FOREHEAD TUMOR. Bless her bumpy little heart."

But, you know what? It's not SMART to fuck with me, and to cause me public humiliation. Because I will GET YOU BACK, DUKAY, DON'T YOU EVEN THINK THAT I WILL NOT.

So. Want to see where Dukay ended HIS evening? Want to know that, at some intervals, he would raise his finger but not his HEAD into the air, and announce, "PEOPLE, I HAVE A FORMULA," and then immediately drop his finger back onto the ground, having completely exhausted all remaining energy in his body and prompting everyone in the Embassy Suites hotel room to scream, "You have a formula? Is it the Quadratic Equation? Is it the Pythagorean Theorem? TELL US YOUR MATH!"

Want to see that? Do you want to? OKAY!

Revenge is sweet, my darling little mathematician. Kisses! And, watch out for bugs!

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

22 Comments

On. the. floor. You are awesome.

Posted by: Shu | April 29, 2005 12:24 AM

You are scary a little bit! Mental note: Do NOT mess with Miss Doxie or lie to her about any facial impediments.

Posted by: LĂ©onie | April 29, 2005 03:48 AM

OK, so your site is such a part of my internet routine that I can't log off without checking for updates and new comments...This is why. Wow! This could only happen to you. I can only imagine how red and inflamed and noticeable the bump on your forehead must be in the pictures! Ha! Watch out, Dukay!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | April 29, 2005 06:54 AM

Okay, I must know where you got the dress you are wearing at the rehearsal dinner. It's so awesome.

Posted by: kate | April 29, 2005 08:13 AM

Even thought I don't know you, and I hope this doesn't come off creepy, I think you all look nice, bump included.

Posted by: stella | April 29, 2005 08:56 AM

Hehe! Formula! Haha! The floor! Miss Doxie, your entries should come with a warning label:

"May induce giggle attacks!"

Posted by: Sabine | April 29, 2005 10:35 AM

Girl, you can barely see the bump. I mean, it's there and all. Okay. Your family and loved ones totally lied to you. But your dress is really cute, and you still brought the pretty.

Posted by: Heather | April 29, 2005 10:42 AM

Well. Yes, I would be lying if I agreed with your loved ones and told you there was not a bump, but really? The bump is not RED, it blends right in, and if you hadn't set me to looking for it, I very well could have missed it.

Dukay SO deserves it. He's got a formula, all right: Eighty glasses of wine, from the look of things. Sleep tight, smart guy.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | April 29, 2005 11:09 AM

Oh, wow. "Poor" Dukay. "Formula!", indeed.

*snicker*

What bump? I see no bump! Zzz.

Posted by: chicklet | April 29, 2005 12:00 PM

Awww. Your cuteness is only exceeded by your evilness. (That's a compliment) Dukay sooooo had that coming. You guys make the cutest couple, bless your bumpy, drunken little hearts.

Posted by: karla | April 29, 2005 12:25 PM

They.definitely.lied. Dukay looks way too cute slobbering on the carpet like that. We should all have wedding rehearsal dinners like that...

Posted by: Chari | April 29, 2005 12:45 PM

Yammer, yammer, like that. Geez.

Posted by: Chari | April 29, 2005 12:46 PM

Maybe it was a formula for how fast a bug must be traveling to make a bump on someone's forehead. Would you rather that bug bump or a big pimple?

Posted by: smartjuice | April 29, 2005 01:09 PM

You look lovely!Ok, so lovely that even that bug found you irresisitible. And Dukay asleep? I think what springs to mind is cherubic?

Posted by: fifi | April 29, 2005 03:19 PM

Miss Doxie - you are *brilliant*. I'm still giggling. Revenge at it sweetest, right there.

Posted by: SpaceCase | April 29, 2005 03:33 PM

Love. It. Poor Dukay. You'd think he would know better, now wouldn't ya, darlin? Yeah. Guess not!

Bump or no bump, you're a pretty one, know that? With that Million-watt smile of yours, I swear I had to look HARD to see "The Bump".

Sorry I disappeared for so long Doxie darling. I just crawled out from under my avalanche of work. I've missed ya.

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | April 29, 2005 06:01 PM

I must tell you that when I was looking at the picture of you and El Dukay (and giggling at his crossed eyes), my 21 month old daughter looked at the computer and said, "Cute!" So, obviously, if the not-even-two-year-old set thinks you look cute, the bump is not an issue.

Posted by: daisy | April 30, 2005 06:02 AM

That is the funniest thing I have read in a month. Bravo!

Posted by: Dr. Johnny Fever | May 3, 2005 04:53 PM

Bump, shmump. You look beautiful, especially in your incredibly blue dress.

Posted by: Jon in Michigan | May 4, 2005 12:00 PM

I'm still waiting to hear what El Dukay has to say about this.

Posted by: Coleen | May 4, 2005 03:26 PM

awww... You have a cute gene pool, Ms. D.

And I recommend hammers for El D and your fam. I mean, if they thing swelling bumps on the skull aren't all that big a deal, they got it coming, yo.

Posted by: del | May 5, 2005 11:06 PM

HA HAAAA Miss Doxie you crack my shit UP. I love your writing. I'm learning all about BEING FROM THE SOUTH reading your great blog. And other stuff.

Posted by: Chanelbaby | May 6, 2005 11:07 AM

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