If ANYONE Knows What I'm Talking About, PLEASE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET ME KNOW.
Phone: Brrrrrrrring! Ring ring!
Ziz: I'm not dead.
Self: What? Excuse...what?
Ziz: I'm not dead. Apparently, I'm supposed to call you and tell you that I am not dead, so I'm calling you, and saying to you, "I am not dead."
Self: Which...okay. Why.
Ziz: Frankly, I'm really not sure, but Mom said I had to.
Self: And...was there any explanation about this? I mean, is this just a Stevie Wonder, "I just called, to say, I'm not dead?" kind of communication, or is there something more sinister afoot?
Ziz: (Ooo, sinister. Good word.)
Self: (I try.)
Ziz: Anyway. Uh, I really don't know. She just left me a message on my cell saying that there was someone with a purple flag terrorizing L.A., and I needed to call you and let you know that I was not dead.
Self: To let ME know?
Ziz: Apparently. Listen, I'm trying not to think about it too hard.
Self: Wait, but...okay, let me get this straight. A purple flag?
Self: ...and, he's....terrorizing L.A.? In what manner?
Ziz: I haven't the foggiest.
Self: Well, is it on the local news?
Ziz: See, and that's where things get even more interesting, because I am, in fact, not even in L.A. at the moment, so I am nowhere near the dangers posed by someone possessing a purple flag.
Ziz: Boston. I'm in Boston.
Ziz: And, I'm not seeing any purple flags. I mean, I'll be vigilant and all, but...nothing on the radar. Eyes open, though!
Self: Wait a minute, we need to return to the issue of how someone can be terrorized by a person with a purple flag.
Ziz: See, and I wish I could help you with that. But I cannot, because I have no idea what she's talking about.
Ziz: I guess...well, you could bop someone over the head with a purple flag.
Self: Yeah. Boppity boppity. Or poke 'em! You can poke with a flag. With...uh, with the pointy end.
Ziz: You can also use a flag to claim land as your own, Eddie Izzard style..."Do you have a flag? No? Then this backyard is now mine."
Self: You could impale someone on your purple flag.
Ziz: You could trip someone with your purple flag.
Self: You could choke on your purple flag.
Ziz: You could catch a nasty infection from your purple flag.
Self: God, I'm beginning to see why Mom was so concerned!
Ziz: Dude. YES. Flags are dangerous.
Self: But...purple? Why purple?
Ziz: I KNOW! Purple is kind of a happy color!
Self: It's royal!
Ziz: And Mardi-Gras like!
Self: Personally, I would be much more terrorized by a red flag.
Ziz: Or a black flag. Eee! Scary black flag!
Self: Or...something that was not, in fact, a flag. I think I would be much more terrorized by other objects, say...FIREARMS.
Ziz: Sigh. Okay, in all seriousness? You can keep repeating "terrorized by someone with a purple flag", but it's not going to just spontaneously start making sense.
Self: I'm going to need to summarize this, because maybe this is more than I can wrap my mind around. So, you just got this message, from our MOTHER, instructing you to call me and let me know that you were not dead, by the hand of someone who is carrying a purple flag.
Ziz: Yes. You have summed it up nicely.
Self: This is reminding me of something Dukay did the other night.
Ziz: I don't...I don't think I want to know.
Self: No, we were just sitting on the sofa, and he turned to me, and asked, "Can you train hummingbirds? Because if you can, that opens up a whole WORLD of opportunities."
Self: I know! I don't know what he was talking about, either. He hasn't mentioned it since.
Ziz: Do you think...maybe Mom and Dukay have...I mean, are they doing crack together?
Self: Maybe. That could be it.
Ziz: Well, glad you seem to still be maing sense.
Yeah. Well, glad you're...like, alive.
Ziz: Well, me too.
Self: ...FOR NOW.
Ziz: Oh, shut up.
Self: BECAUSE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT...
Ziz: Oh my God. You are a huge dork.
Self: ...THE PURPLE FLAG WILL COME. IN THE NIGHT. IN THE DARK.
Ziz: Oh, is the flag ambulatory now? Is it on its own, without the guy to carry it?
Self: THE FLAG HAS GONE SOLO.
Ziz: Aw. Just like Cher!
Self: IT'S...FLAG DAY.
Self: DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
Ziz: Coming to a theater near you, I'm guessing.
Self: See, I'm just really fucking creative. They should just give me a movie deal and be done with it.
Ziz: Right. Anyway. Got to go, but Me = Not Dead.
Self: Right. But be careful. Remember, Flag = Deadly.
Ziz: You = totally going to write about this on your site.
Self: You = probably, sadly, tremendously, right.
So, watch out, y'all. It's a dangerous world out there.
And if you see something...purple ...lurking silently in the bushes, billowing softly in the wind...I would highly recommend that you run far, far away.
And then you should TOTALLY call my Mom.
P.S.: On a totally unrealted note, goodness gracious, I love you people. With your eleventy hundred thousand book-on-tape selections, thereby assuring that I will spend the next ten years hanging out alone in my den, twiddling my thumbs and terrorizing the dogs (possibly WITH A PURPLE FLAG). At least, that is what I will be doing when I'm not at the library, which...I mean, LIBRARY, DUH, which I did not even think of, because sometimes I am not so bright.
Books on tape at the library. IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
And, if y'all feel like supporting a good cause, I recommend that you go here and learn how from Coleen, who is doing a nice thing.
And AND, thank you all so much for your votes in the Diarist Awards! Yay!
Okay, I'll shut up now. Y'all just watch out for purple.