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April 06, 2005

Phone: Brrrrrrrring! Ring ring!

Self: Hello?

Ziz: I'm not dead.

Self: What? Excuse...what?

Ziz: I'm not dead. Apparently, I'm supposed to call you and tell you that I am not dead, so I'm calling you, and saying to you, "I am not dead."

Self: Which...okay. Why.

Ziz: Frankly, I'm really not sure, but Mom said I had to.

Self: And...was there any explanation about this? I mean, is this just a Stevie Wonder, "I just called, to say, I'm not dead?" kind of communication, or is there something more sinister afoot?

Ziz: (Ooo, sinister. Good word.)

Self: (I try.)

Ziz: Anyway. Uh, I really don't know. She just left me a message on my cell saying that there was someone with a purple flag terrorizing L.A., and I needed to call you and let you know that I was not dead.

Self: To let ME know?

Ziz: Apparently. Listen, I'm trying not to think about it too hard.

Self: Wait, but...okay, let me get this straight. A purple flag?

Ziz: Apparently.

Self: ...and, he's....terrorizing L.A.? In what manner?

Ziz: I haven't the foggiest.

Self: Well, is it on the local news?

Ziz: See, and that's where things get even more interesting, because I am, in fact, not even in L.A. at the moment, so I am nowhere near the dangers posed by someone possessing a purple flag.

Self: Where...

Ziz: Boston. I'm in Boston.

Self: Oh?

Ziz: And, I'm not seeing any purple flags. I mean, I'll be vigilant and all, but...nothing on the radar. Eyes open, though!

Self: Wait a minute, we need to return to the issue of how someone can be terrorized by a person with a purple flag.

Ziz: See, and I wish I could help you with that. But I cannot, because I have no idea what she's talking about.

Self: Huh.

Ziz: I guess...well, you could bop someone over the head with a purple flag.

Self: Yeah. Boppity boppity. Or poke 'em! You can poke with a flag. With...uh, with the pointy end.

Ziz: You can also use a flag to claim land as your own, Eddie Izzard style..."Do you have a flag? No? Then this backyard is now mine."

Self: You could impale someone on your purple flag.

Ziz: You could trip someone with your purple flag.

Self: You could choke on your purple flag.

Ziz: You could catch a nasty infection from your purple flag.

Self: God, I'm beginning to see why Mom was so concerned!

Ziz: Dude. YES. Flags are dangerous.

Self: But...purple? Why purple?

Ziz: I KNOW! Purple is kind of a happy color!

Self: It's royal!

Ziz: And Mardi-Gras like!

Self: Personally, I would be much more terrorized by a red flag.

Ziz: Or a black flag. Eee! Scary black flag!

Self: Or...something that was not, in fact, a flag. I think I would be much more terrorized by other objects, say...FIREARMS.

Ziz: Sigh. Okay, in all seriousness? You can keep repeating "terrorized by someone with a purple flag", but it's not going to just spontaneously start making sense.

Self: I'm going to need to summarize this, because maybe this is more than I can wrap my mind around. So, you just got this message, from our MOTHER, instructing you to call me and let me know that you were not dead, by the hand of someone who is carrying a purple flag.

Ziz: Yes. You have summed it up nicely.

Self: This is reminding me of something Dukay did the other night.

Ziz: I don't...I don't think I want to know.

Self: No, we were just sitting on the sofa, and he turned to me, and asked, "Can you train hummingbirds? Because if you can, that opens up a whole WORLD of opportunities."

Ziz: ...

Self: I know! I don't know what he was talking about, either. He hasn't mentioned it since.

Ziz: Do you think...maybe Mom and Dukay have...I mean, are they doing crack together?

Self: Maybe. That could be it.

Ziz: Well, glad you seem to still be maing sense.

Yeah. Well, glad you're...like, alive.

Ziz: Well, me too.

Self: ...FOR NOW.

Ziz: Oh, shut up.


Ziz: Oh my God. You are a huge dork.


Ziz: Oh, is the flag ambulatory now? Is it on its own, without the guy to carry it?


Ziz: Aw. Just like Cher!

Self: IT'S...FLAG DAY.

Ziz: Sigh.


Ziz: Coming to a theater near you, I'm guessing.

Self: See, I'm just really fucking creative. They should just give me a movie deal and be done with it.

Ziz: Right. Anyway. Got to go, but Me = Not Dead.

Self: Right. But be careful. Remember, Flag = Deadly.

Ziz: You = totally going to write about this on your site.

Self: You = probably, sadly, tremendously, right.

So, watch out, y'all. It's a dangerous world out there.

And if you see something...purple ...lurking silently in the bushes, billowing softly in the wind...I would highly recommend that you run far, far away.

And then you should TOTALLY call my Mom.

P.S.: On a totally unrealted note, goodness gracious, I love you people. With your eleventy hundred thousand book-on-tape selections, thereby assuring that I will spend the next ten years hanging out alone in my den, twiddling my thumbs and terrorizing the dogs (possibly WITH A PURPLE FLAG). At least, that is what I will be doing when I'm not at the library, which...I mean, LIBRARY, DUH, which I did not even think of, because sometimes I am not so bright.

Books on tape at the library. IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

And, if y'all feel like supporting a good cause, I recommend that you go here and learn how from Coleen, who is doing a nice thing.

And AND, thank you all so much for your votes in the Diarist Awards! Yay!

Okay, I'll shut up now. Y'all just watch out for purple.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


The Color Purple. See, Alice Walker was a psychic, because that is a scary, scary book. Even if the color meant love for her sister, or something.

Okay, I'll shut up now. Because if I think about it too much, I'm afraid I will be awakened tonight by a menacing purple rag standing (or rather, waving) over my bed.

Thank you for the promotage!

Posted by: Coleen | April 6, 2005 02:53 PM

I agree that purple is normally a friendly, cushy color. It can be quite sinister, though; Exhibit A, Barney. (Ha ha! Lawyer joke! Okay.)

So my school color is purple, and while I love me some purple, it's...everywhere. (Check out our athletic webpage. I mean, whoa: http://furmanpaladins.collegesports.com/ ) I don't know how it doesn't turn all the guys here gay. Not that that would be a bad thing! It would be fun! I'm just sayin.

Posted by: Lori | April 6, 2005 03:30 PM

Scarier than the possibility of being terrorized by a purple flag is reading all that and actually knopwing what your mom was talking about. At least I think I do. I saw a teensy bit of news yesterday where there was some low-speed chase and the guy in the car was waving some purple and silver, possibly flag, thing out the window the whole time. I didn't see the conclusion of it, but I did see that much. As for hummingbirds, man, you are on your own with that one.

Posted by: Erica | April 6, 2005 04:07 PM

Also, that reminds me of that bit that Lewis Black does where he overhears a piece of a conversation ("If it hadn't been for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.") and it is so absurd it torments him forever.

Posted by: Erica | April 6, 2005 04:10 PM

ERICA. YES. I just talked to my mother, and that is EXACTLY what she was talking about. She was concerned about a low-speed police chase of a man waving a purple flag.

Which...I mean, of course.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 6, 2005 04:12 PM

The plot thickens . . .

It actually wasn't a purple FLAG; it was a purple BATHROBE!

Dang, now I'm all scared to go into my bathroom.

Posted by: Trace | April 6, 2005 04:40 PM

Funny. I was just reading an article about how the nation's teachers were starting to not use red pen to correct students' papers anymore, because parents were complaining that red pen was STRESSFUL and HURT THEIR KIDS' FEELINGS. The teachers were starting to use . . . purple instead.

Why are there no FUCK THE SYMPHONY t-shirts? I would so totally wear one.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | April 6, 2005 05:19 PM

Those people in LA are CRAZY! With their PURPLE! And their FLAGS! It's madness!

Posted by: Em | April 6, 2005 05:37 PM

Hahahahaha. There was a caped crusader involved in a chase with LAPD yesterday. He was not a 'terrorist', but more of a crack action hero.

Posted by: VeeBeeWhy? | April 6, 2005 05:55 PM

This is such an awesome idea...I'm going to take this bandana with my company's name on it and then I'm going to drive home really slowly and wave that bandana out the window. Y'all I am going to terrorize the hell out of Dallas!

Posted by: smartjuice | April 6, 2005 05:56 PM

Oh my god...I have a purple bathrobe...

Posted by: allison | April 6, 2005 06:03 PM

This post just had me making that weird stiffling-the-laugh-snorting-through-my-nose-noise I make sometimes. (It's very attractive. Really.) And then, I read the comments and completely lost it. Thank you all for cracking me UP today. Whew!

Posted by: Melinda | April 6, 2005 06:16 PM

I don't know what you're talking about, but I don't know what they're talking about here (http://bioweb.usu.edu/wolf/Abstracts/Ipo%202000%20abst.htm), except that they clearly did train those suckers (heh).

Posted by: Mark | April 6, 2005 08:30 PM

Okay, so...WHAT? Was it a purple bathrobe some slow-driving terrorist wanna-be was waving out his car window? And your mom was worried about that? Makes perfect sense to me. (I think this is the funniest thing I've read in a longlonglong time!!)

Posted by: Vanessa_AR | April 6, 2005 09:20 PM

OK what/ What purple flag? I am in LA. IN LA. And drunk as a fucking wino off sushi and wine at a Sunset strip eatery from which my friend and I stumbled our smokin hot drunk asses home. We did not see no stinkin' purple flag. PURPLE is my favorte color--I might have run after him yelling VIVA LA PURPLE.

Posted by: amy | April 7, 2005 01:16 AM

OH YESSSSSTERDAY yes, we watched it in the office, whenever there is a chase we all throw down bets about how long it will last/how it will end. I just kept saying PURPLE, DUDE ITS BRILLIANT, ITS FUCKING PURPLE. Sadly, I was not drunk at the time.

Posted by: amy | April 7, 2005 01:19 AM

I found case law about hummingbird trains, but nothing about trained hummingbirds...


Maybe it all means something. Or maybe El D just needs a vacation...

Posted by: del | April 7, 2005 06:50 AM

Oh my god, allison... I USED to have a purple bathrobe, but it burned in a fire, and... my name is ALSO Allison. Somebody call Mother Doxie, because all of this shit is starting to add up...

Posted by: Al | April 7, 2005 07:47 AM

Oh my god, can i just tell you that i somehow happened upon your diary and could not stop laughing!! i read almost all of your back issues (?), they are so funny! i seriously think that you should quit being a lawyer and write a book! I love you, read on writing!

Posted by: jonelle | April 7, 2005 09:34 AM

Ok would the OJ slow chase thing be anymore interesting if HE too had a purple bathrobe? WHATS with slow chases anyhow?? When i run from the cops I tend to try to go faster then they do. Hum ponder upon this slow chase thing again.... Wouldnt it be a slow follow... not really a chase is it. Or a grown ups game of follow the leader> duck duck goose perhaps?

Posted by: first timer | April 7, 2005 10:15 AM

One of my alma maters had purple and grey for their colors. The Marauders: Purple and grey all the way! So maybe this dude was a marauder, and he was like, marauding. Which is a good word, possibly as good as sinister.

I am toying with the idea of sending you a small purple flag. Or a torn piece of a purple bathrobe. You should totally, totally send a small purple flag to your mother and or sister.

And I agree with El Dukay. If you could train hummingbirds, it would totally open up a world of possibilities. But there would be ethical issues involved, and it would be complicated.

Posted by: TheMac | April 7, 2005 10:22 AM

was he marauding at midnight? because that? would be really cool.

Posted by: amy | April 7, 2005 11:31 AM

Shit. My bathrobe is totally purple. Great, now I have to live in fear post shower every morning. And the whole hummingbird training thing? Very interesting. And intriguing!

Posted by: Heather | April 7, 2005 12:15 PM

This has cracked my ass up.

Posted by: stella | April 7, 2005 12:26 PM

Trace, you ARE so Dallas. Yes, Steve Blow Rocks. His advice applies to purple terrorists also "Get Over It!"

Posted by: lisame | April 7, 2005 12:40 PM

First, I'm glad to hear there are so many other purple lovers out there. I think it's only dangerous for those who fear adventure and loud colors. The rest of us, purple is a basic requirement for life.

I'm kinda entreprenuerial, but I can't see what the opportunities would be for trained hummingbirds. I could see the military using them for scouting, maybe with a little camera, but what's the commercial use?

Posted by: Mark | April 7, 2005 02:09 PM

Y'all, I am so spooked right now. I have purple pajama pants lurking in my bathroom, and I GREW UP IN DALLAS. And my grandfather, who cannot claim to have ever TRAINED a hummingbird, used to lure them to land on his hands when he would paint his fingernails red. I'm so cold, and my face is numb. Hold...me...

Posted by: laura | April 7, 2005 03:45 PM

Oh for the love of God I have to start making you the first on my list of reads each day, how can I have a bad day when it starts out with a laugh like that?

Too bad I'm so anal that I MUST read my blogroll in ALPHABETICAL ORDER. Yes there is something wrong with me, why do you ask?

Posted by: sleepingmommy | April 8, 2005 11:24 AM

Truth is scarier than fiction:


Posted by: Jon in Michigan | April 8, 2005 12:48 PM

The things Prince will do to get public attention when he's got an album out..........

Posted by: fifi | April 8, 2005 02:57 PM

fifi gets quote of the week as far as I am concerned.

I actually wanted to comment on the books on tape thread:

A few years ago I convinced an organisation I was blind so that I could get free books on tape AND a giant tape player with, like, 3 inch buttons on which to play it. I was poor, living in NY, working out of my tiny, tiny apartment. We had no TV and radio bored me. Of course, I could have gone to the library but that would involve a long ass subway ride and putting on of pants. So, instead, I had tapes delivered to my apartment, free of charge.

Does that make me a bad person?

Posted by: Stephanie | April 8, 2005 06:06 PM

My school just announced a new policy a few days ago in which, in the case of an armed intruder entering the school, someone will get on the intercom and say CODE PURPLE! and we will all run like hell.

I only wish I was joking.

Posted by: courtney | April 8, 2005 08:49 PM

My bathrobe is green, so I feel somewhat safe there. But years of twirling flags in marching band taught me that waving fabric of any color can be dangerous. Y'all, let's be careful out there!

Posted by: renee | April 12, 2005 09:13 AM

I think she mis-read the headlines. It was a violent flag killer, not violet.

Posted by: Rick | April 12, 2005 12:50 PM

Funniest damn thing ever.

We miss all that crazy action living in the midwest... although my coworker told me today that her sister-in-law is friends with someone who used to date a woman who wore wisteria.

Posted by: jafnharr | April 12, 2005 08:24 PM

"Can you train hummingbirds? Because if you can, that opens up a whole WORLD of opportunities."

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. damn that's some funny chronicling. Good thing everyone's safe, if you need a cowriter on the attack of the puprle flag movie let me know, I'm already thinking sequel "return of the purple flag" or a spinoff like "invasion of the purple flag-waving people"

and of course it will be a huge success, because at some point the heroine has to like, burn one of the purple flags, which would spark a debate (maybe between chris matthews and our favorite daily show host) about flag burning in today's amercia, which would get people talking about the movie, which would get people to go see the movie, which means big bucks in the writers' pocketses.


Posted by: Tom | April 13, 2005 11:00 AM

i'd like to file a complaint. my brain must not be like the rest of your brains. the line that separates the comments from the person that posted the comment is in the wrong place. everything should be in between two lines. i keep thinking that people are referring to themselves in the 3rd person. "jimmy likes elaine" "jimmy is getting angry" "jimmy has hemorroids" etc...

somebody had to say it.

Posted by: El Dukay | April 13, 2005 01:46 PM

See ! ! !

It looks like "Tom" said that shit.

Posted by: yakuD lE | April 13, 2005 01:47 PM

Ahahaha... your whole entry made me giggle and reminded me of dozens of convos between my sis and I, trying to figure out our crazy mother.

And I agree with El Dukay, I have trouble telling which comment goes with who. Perhaps I'm just not bright. Could be it.

Posted by: brea | April 14, 2005 08:14 AM

OMG I totaly love you and the FLAG!!! That sounds like a conversation me and my own sister would have!!!

Posted by: Tc | April 14, 2005 05:09 PM

Does your phone really go, "Brrrrrrrring! Ring ring!"? Are you sure you didn't borrow my grandmothers rotary phone? (Those rock, don't they?)Anyway, that was funny. I love purple but I think I'll be a little more suspicious of it now. I had no idea it was the official color of slow speed car chases. Learn something new every day.

Posted by: RadiantSky | April 15, 2005 03:58 PM

I want a big bag of whatever El Dukay was smoking when he said that. Or, alternatively, I need an explanation. The more I think about this WORLD of possibilities, the more fascinated I become. Hummingbirds trained to...roll over? compete in synchronized flying tournaments? hold up the sign between rounds at a boxing match? detect the presence of narcotics? what?

Posted by: Corbin | April 15, 2005 04:36 PM

Miss Doxie? Remember your most embarassing moment? Now, for the love of god, go read dooce.com!

Posted by: lisame | April 15, 2005 09:46 PM

El Dukay is right about the comments layout, and Corbin is right, you need to read Dooce, although the full impact is probably felt by those people who gave birth at some point.

Posted by: fifi | April 16, 2005 11:26 AM

Noooooo! El Dukay is still right about the comments layout, and lisame is right, you need to read Dooce. Daayamn!!!! Corbin is maybe right too, but stoned.......

Posted by: fifi | April 16, 2005 11:29 AM

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