All This Can be Yours, For Only $275 A Night!
I just, just got back from Charleston -- again -- because we went to a wedding there this weekend. And, you know, maybe if we knew there was going to be a wedding in Charleston this weekend, maybe if, say, Dukay hadn't received the invitation, responded yes, and then promptly lost said invitation, maybe if, I DON'T KNOW, Dukay could have read said invitation, and noted accordingly that said wedding was in the city of Charleston, then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, we would have consolidated the trips and we would not have driven seventy million hours twice in a month.
Hi. We have been in the car for a long, long time. I may be a little slap happy right now. I may also be completely insane, so...grain of salt, everything I say in the next many words. Blee!
But, honestly, I'm just complaining. As usual. It's actually lovely that we got to go to Charleston twice in one month, because my love for Charleston is new and extensive and enduring, and You are so CUTE, City That Is Only Legally Permitted To Serve Liquor From Those Miniature Airline Bottles! I adore you. And I adore your itty bitty bottles of booze!
Even if...well, even if the hotel? That I made reservations for? Ha. HELLO, SHIT HOLE! And I do not say this lightly. I say this in the manner of a woman who checked into the hotel at midnight, to discover all manner of hair on the toilet, and standing water and bits of...something floating in the tub, and an odor that I can only describe as "onion-like" and "wrong" permeating the room.
And...and this I could overlook. Maybe. If the hotel was cheap. But this hotel was EXPENSIVE, and the only hotel in the city with two vacant nights this weekend, so I was not in an overlooking kind of mood. I was in a VERY BAD kind of mood. And my very bad kind of moods tend to go like this:
Self: DUKAY. DO SOMETHING.
Dukay: Oh, it's not so bad. We'll...spritz some air freshener, or...something?
Self: DUKAY. GET INTO THIS BATHROOM.
Dukay: Why, what's...AHHHHHH!
Self: I KNOW.
Dukay: Those...AIIIEEEE! Are those HAIRS?
Self: THOSE ARE HAIRS.
Dukay: WHOSE hairs? WHOSE?! And...AHHHHHHH! WHAT IS FLOATING IN THE TUB.
Self: DUKAY. GO TO THE FRONT DESK AND PITCH A HISSY.
And this is what Dukay loves to hear, he loves that, because let's recall that Dukay is a send-backer of food? And to send back a whole entire hotel room? Well. This probably made his year.
Also, y'all. Dukay is a talker. He is a people person. And he can talk you into anything, or out of anything, etc. So, once he returned from the front desk, hissy successfully pitched (check!), he immediately got onto the phone with the front desk of the hotel we stayed at last time. This is what I heard on my end:
Dukay: Hi, this is El Dukay and Miss Doxie calling? We stayed at your hotel earlier this month, and MY GOODNESS, is it lovely. We sure did enjoy our stay there. Mmm hmm.
(Pause. Please bear in mind that it is one in the morning by now, and Dukay is now calling a hotel, just to chat, apparently, with the front desk about how very nice their accommodations were.)
(Several weeks ago.)
(Somehow, this works.)
Dukay: You're welcome! Aaaaanyway. See, we're in a little fix. Ha ha! We're back in Charleston for a wedding, isn't that wonderful?
Dukay: Thank you! We will dress warmly! And, you know, we so wanted to stay with you this weekend. We tried to make reservations, but you know what? You were all booked! Every last room. Sigh.
Dukay: Oh, please don't apologize. Not your fault! We can't expect a hotel as fine as yours to stay vacant for little old us.
Dukay: Now, that is so kind of you. But listen, I have to be honest with you. See, we're at a competitor-
Dukay: Oh, I KNOW. Shudder! Because there is hair on the toilet and standing water in the bathtub, and my girlfriend is dirty and tired and she might kill me, because it is my fault that we didn't make our reservations until the last minute, and frankly, I would rather not die!
Dukay: Tomorrow night? A suite? At a reduced rate?
Dukay: With a fireplace in our room?
Dukay: And you'll send someone over to the bowels of hell here to pick up our luggage? You are a wonderful person.
Dukay: No, I mean it. Thank God. Thank you. You seem...you seem angelic to me. Have you any wings?
And so on. And so on. This ALWAYS WORKS FOR HIM. He can get away with anything, ANYTHING. And somehow, it also always works on me, because he is slippery, and I am an idiot.
So, thanks to Dukay's people skills, we were able to move the next morning into a much nicer hotel, where we were not at risk for catching scabies from the sheets. And this made me happy, and the rest of the weekend passed drunkenly, and without incident, but HOO BOY was it fun, and HOLY CRAP did we not sleep very much.
But, anyway. I'm back! Though not for long, because I will be at weddings pretty much for the rest of the month, none of which are mine.
So, hope everyone had a lovely weekend! I promise I'll post something more interesting very soon. Just as soon as I recover. And these scabies clear up.