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All This Can be Yours, For Only $275 A Night!

April 17, 2005

I just, just got back from Charleston -- again -- because we went to a wedding there this weekend. And, you know, maybe if we knew there was going to be a wedding in Charleston this weekend, maybe if, say, Dukay hadn't received the invitation, responded yes, and then promptly lost said invitation, maybe if, I DON'T KNOW, Dukay could have read said invitation, and noted accordingly that said wedding was in the city of Charleston, then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, we would have consolidated the trips and we would not have driven seventy million hours twice in a month.

Hi. We have been in the car for a long, long time. I may be a little slap happy right now. I may also be completely insane, so...grain of salt, everything I say in the next many words. Blee!

But, honestly, I'm just complaining. As usual. It's actually lovely that we got to go to Charleston twice in one month, because my love for Charleston is new and extensive and enduring, and You are so CUTE, City That Is Only Legally Permitted To Serve Liquor From Those Miniature Airline Bottles! I adore you. And I adore your itty bitty bottles of booze!

Even if...well, even if the hotel? That I made reservations for? Ha. HELLO, SHIT HOLE! And I do not say this lightly. I say this in the manner of a woman who checked into the hotel at midnight, to discover all manner of hair on the toilet, and standing water and bits of...something floating in the tub, and an odor that I can only describe as "onion-like" and "wrong" permeating the room.

And...and this I could overlook. Maybe. If the hotel was cheap. But this hotel was EXPENSIVE, and the only hotel in the city with two vacant nights this weekend, so I was not in an overlooking kind of mood. I was in a VERY BAD kind of mood. And my very bad kind of moods tend to go like this:

Self: DUKAY. DO SOMETHING.

Dukay: Oh, it's not so bad. We'll...spritz some air freshener, or...something?

Self: DUKAY. GET INTO THIS BATHROOM.

Dukay: Why, what's...AHHHHHH!

Self: I KNOW.

Dukay: Those...AIIIEEEE! Are those HAIRS?

Self: THOSE ARE HAIRS.

Dukay: WHOSE hairs? WHOSE?! And...AHHHHHHH! WHAT IS FLOATING IN THE TUB.

Self: DUKAY. GO TO THE FRONT DESK AND PITCH A HISSY.

And this is what Dukay loves to hear, he loves that, because let's recall that Dukay is a send-backer of food? And to send back a whole entire hotel room? Well. This probably made his year.

Also, y'all. Dukay is a talker. He is a people person. And he can talk you into anything, or out of anything, etc. So, once he returned from the front desk, hissy successfully pitched (check!), he immediately got onto the phone with the front desk of the hotel we stayed at last time. This is what I heard on my end:

Dukay: Hi, this is El Dukay and Miss Doxie calling? We stayed at your hotel earlier this month, and MY GOODNESS, is it lovely. We sure did enjoy our stay there. Mmm hmm.

(Pause. Please bear in mind that it is one in the morning by now, and Dukay is now calling a hotel, just to chat, apparently, with the front desk about how very nice their accommodations were.)

(Several weeks ago.)

(Somehow, this works.)

Dukay: You're welcome! Aaaaanyway. See, we're in a little fix. Ha ha! We're back in Charleston for a wedding, isn't that wonderful?

(Pause.)

Dukay: Thank you! We will dress warmly! And, you know, we so wanted to stay with you this weekend. We tried to make reservations, but you know what? You were all booked! Every last room. Sigh.

(Pause.)

Dukay: Oh, please don't apologize. Not your fault! We can't expect a hotel as fine as yours to stay vacant for little old us.

(Pause.)

Dukay: Now, that is so kind of you. But listen, I have to be honest with you. See, we're at a competitor-

(Pause.)

Dukay: Oh, I KNOW. Shudder! Because there is hair on the toilet and standing water in the bathtub, and my girlfriend is dirty and tired and she might kill me, because it is my fault that we didn't make our reservations until the last minute, and frankly, I would rather not die!

(Pause.)

Dukay: Tomorrow night? A suite? At a reduced rate?

(Pause.)

Dukay: With a fireplace in our room?

(Pause.)

Dukay: And you'll send someone over to the bowels of hell here to pick up our luggage? You are a wonderful person.

(Pause.)

Dukay: No, I mean it. Thank God. Thank you. You seem...you seem angelic to me. Have you any wings?

And so on. And so on. This ALWAYS WORKS FOR HIM. He can get away with anything, ANYTHING. And somehow, it also always works on me, because he is slippery, and I am an idiot.

So, thanks to Dukay's people skills, we were able to move the next morning into a much nicer hotel, where we were not at risk for catching scabies from the sheets. And this made me happy, and the rest of the weekend passed drunkenly, and without incident, but HOO BOY was it fun, and HOLY CRAP did we not sleep very much.

But, anyway. I'm back! Though not for long, because I will be at weddings pretty much for the rest of the month, none of which are mine.

(Sigh.)

So, hope everyone had a lovely weekend! I promise I'll post something more interesting very soon. Just as soon as I recover. And these scabies clear up.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

22 Comments

We all need a Dukay in our life. Sigh.

The only thing worse than hair and unidentifiable bits of grossness in the bathroom is mold. Partly because I'm horribly allergic to it, and partly because hello! Ewww! Gross!

But no, the WORST thing is having the maid walk in on you, at 6 in the morning, the morning after your wedding.

Posted by: Citations | April 18, 2005 10:32 AM

Hurrah! Another mad dachshund enthusiast! I'm going to enjoy reading all of the archives!

Posted by: Ginger | April 18, 2005 10:47 AM

You need to rent that man OUT! I think we could all use a little Dukay in our life!

Posted by: Kathryn | April 18, 2005 11:27 AM

Oh man, the phrase "standing water and bits of...something floating in the tub" is giving me the willies big time. And this coming from a guy who's had to do the whole locker room communal shower thing many times. Good thing El Dukay has some major jedi mind skills. He should teach a course in that. I would take it.

Posted by: smartjuice | April 18, 2005 11:29 AM

At least give us the name of the "good" hotel, so we can avoid any other in Charleston when we're in the vacinity.

Posted by: Chari | April 18, 2005 11:30 AM

ACk sounds horrible, poor Miss Doxie! I stayed in a hotel in Denmark where you walked in the room and it was like walking into the 70's...shudder!

By the way, on Wednesday it's Secretary Day, we still call it that in Bonnie Ol Scotland! So Happy Secretary Day!

Posted by: Moneypenny | April 18, 2005 12:19 PM

Ha Leigh!

How LOUD was that SIGH??

"Though not for long, because I will be at weddings pretty much for the rest of the month, none of which are mine.

(Sigh.)"

Methinks her time has come . . . .

Posted by: bluepoppy | April 18, 2005 01:48 PM

Um, other peoples UNKNOWN hairs, are the worst of the worst.

In a word, EW.

Posted by: Em | April 18, 2005 02:54 PM

HAIRS? Ack. There is nothing in the world that grosses me out more than the hair of the unknown people, except perhaps the poop of unknown people.

That Dukay sounds like a good guy to have in your corner in times of great duress. Bet he's absolutely impossible to stay mad at, too. My husband's like that, damn him.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | April 18, 2005 03:08 PM

Did you order El Dukay out of a Tiffany's catalog? Because he sounds like a gem to me. What an awful experience. One time I stayed in a bed & breakfast in Ireland that had knit nylon sheets(felt like sandpaper) and a glass in the bathroom that had dried spit and toothpaste in the bottom. Barf!!
What I want to know is did you have to pay full price for your dirty room? And who took the dogs to the kennel? I bet Bo went in first!

Posted by: Mackmomma | April 18, 2005 04:28 PM

ha ha I had weddings last month every weekend more or less that were not (sigh) mine. And I was worried about getting thru them. But thru them I got and had a great time.

Its now, a month later that I want to punch his lights out because there is no ring on MY finger. HA!

Posted by: amy | April 18, 2005 05:46 PM

It is generally a blessing that I have such a high threshold of revulsion, but it is a curse on my boyfriend skills. Because I would have been like, "Huh. Maid must have been in a hurry." And I would have wiped up the hair and flushed it down the toilet, along with the floating bits, and I would have made due. And if my girlfriend wanted to pitch a fit about it, I'd probably tell her to go pitch her own hissy, because she was the one that was upset. See? Bad boyfriend skills here. Can you post links to entries where Dukay DOESN'T model perfect behavior? Because I need to feel better about myself.

Posted by: Corbin | April 19, 2005 09:58 AM

Well, this is great. I'm traveling today and will be checking into a hotel tonight. I'm more than a little leary. And leery.

Posted by: laura | April 19, 2005 10:55 AM

That Dukay, seems like a keeper to me!
by the way, in our house (not a hotel), nasty hairs appear in the nail brush , every time our son has a bath. So, wait till you have kids, you can experience a whole new world of gross.

Posted by: fifi | April 19, 2005 05:25 PM

Okay, seriously, I am sending D down to you, so that he can take lessons on that from El Dukay. Because I can just see us sleeping in his CAR someday so he doesn't have to confront the staff about a stank-ass bathroom... or worse, he confronts, and we get kicked out over some technicality.

Posted by: Coleen | April 20, 2005 11:37 AM

Ewwww...
El D rocks that is all I have to say...well except for the part where he forgot where the wedding was. My guy can barely hold it together when he has to deal with an issue. He prefers the f*you and hang up method. I have LITERALLY written scripts for him to follow.." yes, my name is blank and I am calling...." soon enough I see his brown cheeks turning pink and I am off in the corner (loud whisper) "STICK TO THE SCRIPT..."

Posted by: VeeBeeWhy? | April 20, 2005 02:42 PM

Ewwww...
El D rocks that is all I have to say...well except for the part where he forgot where the wedding was. My guy can barely hold it together when he has to deal with an issue. He prefers the f*you and hang up method. I have LITERALLY written scripts for him to follow.." yes, my name is blank and I am calling...." soon enough I see his brown cheeks turning pink and I am off in the corner (loud whisper) "STICK TO THE SCRIPT..."

Posted by: VeeBeeWhy? | April 20, 2005 02:42 PM

Eww...
El D rocks, that is all I have to say. Well, except for the part where he forgot where the wedding was.

My guy just can't deal with anything. He prefers the f*you and hang up method. I have LITERALLY had to write him scripts: "hi this blank and I am calling..." I see his brown cheeks get little pinks circles and I know he is about to lose it. I am off in the corner..LOUD WHISPER.."stick to the script...stick to the script..."

Posted by: VeeBeeWhy? | April 20, 2005 02:55 PM

Yeah, well see there was this little error message...and then when I tried to send it again there was this 'send again later message so, I ...I... OH JUST F*You. (Click)

Posted by: VeeBeeWhy? | April 20, 2005 02:57 PM

(Hey, there's another ginger!)

El Dukay sounds much Southern-er than usual even in this story. Does he turn it on more for occasions like this? I mean, in the Northwest, people would fall all over themselves to help someone being all Suthun and polite about their dreadful accommodations, but it seems as though Charlestoni....ann.....nnns would be immune to that.

Or is it a function of fatigue and horror?

However did you sleep that first night? When confronted by a filthy bathroom I know I would be beset by dark suspicions about the sheets. ("Would", hell, there was a R3d Lion in Sacramento where I was beset, and there was much rigid sleeplessness.)

Posted by: ginger | April 21, 2005 03:51 PM

I want you to try this game ITS A HOOT Now its in German, it s a drunk guy who comes out of a bar and with your mouse your supposed to try to get him the 100 meters home by ballancing him with your mouse. LAUGH RIOT really i knew youd love it
http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

Posted by: first timer | April 24, 2005 12:44 PM

thank god for people who will speak their mind and get a girl out of scabie hell.

Posted by: honestyrain | April 25, 2005 07:15 AM

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