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Because really, what else are you going to do on a Thursday morning?

March 17, 2005

Dukay and I spent a lot of time together in the car this past weekend, driving to and from Charleston. And Dukay is not the best little road tripper in the world, because when Dukay is driving, he wants to FOCUS on driving. He is CONCENTRATING on the road. He just wants to listen to his music, man, and he does not want to make boring old small talk with me, whom he sees every day.

This is boring to me. So I basically just bother the fuck out of him whenever we're in the car together, all, "What's wrong? Are you okay? You haven't said a word in six miles. SIX MILES! Do you want to talk about politics? Do you want to talk about art? What's your favorite color?"

And so on. I am really, really obnoxious. But that's okay, because I am also kind of cute. So it balances out!

Anyway. So we were driving forever, and I decide to try to engage Dukay in a conversation about our most embarrassing moments, and he, naturally did NOT bite. But I did! I got snared in my own little trap, and I ended up telling Dukay my most embarrassing story ever, and now that I've told him, and he didn't break up with me on the spot? I figured, well, what the hell. I'll tell y'all, too. Don't judge me.

So here it is. In honor of this nasty, rainy, cold St. Patrick's Day, and the ridiculous amount of alcohol that will probably be consumed tonight, I give you: My Most Embarrassing Moment EVER. And, for the third entry in a row, I'm writing about poop. Let's stop this trend really, really quickly. Just as soon as I finish this story.

Okay. So. Back in college, I was dating this guy we called Lumberjack. Jack lived with a shitload of other guys (oh, it's a PUN! Reread! You’ll laugh!) in this highly-sketchy, crappy (ha!) house near campus. All the guys in the house had girlfriends, and all of us girlfriends found ourselves hanging out a lot of the time, while our boyfriends played video games and got drunk and generally acted like frat guys. So on one of these occasions, I was on the front porch smoking cigarettes with the other “house” girlfriends when girlfriend #2 (Just you wait!), who I kind of knew but not really, felt the sudden urge to “drop the bomb,” if you get my drift. So she went inside, hit the bathroom, and did her thing. And then: TERROR. The toilet. Would. Not. Flush. Of course.

So she came tearing back outside, freaking the fuck out, not knowing what to do, because she had just taken an insanely not-ladylike shit in the boys’ toilet, and it was just a matter of time before the odor of it all overtook them in their Playstation trance, and her boyfriend would realize that she was a HUMAN PERSON who did things like MAKE WASTE and he’d break up with her and tell everyone and she’d never get married and so forth. We other ladies sprang to action, if by “sprang to action,” you mean laugh loudly at the predicament and light new cigarettes. But then when we saw that #2 (see? SEE what I did there?) was really honestly panicking, we stubbed them out and headed inside to find a plunger.

And, y’all. There really was something insane going on in that toilet. I’m just saying.

But we dealt with it. I dealt with it, actually, because of four girls, I was the only one who had mastered the art of the plunger. So there was relief and much thanksgiving and so forth, but #2 was also extremely, extremely embarrassed, and probably thinking that maybe we would run down to the sorority houses and tell EVERYONE about the experience, so she started crying.

Now, at this point, there were four of us. Myself, #2, my best friend Ames, and another tertiary girlfriend. We were all trying to comfort #2, who really kind of needed to just calm down already, but she just wasn't having it. She was, like, BAWLING. So I did what any good friend would do, namely, I told her an embarrassing story of my own. Involving poop.

See, the first time I went home to visit Jack’s family, I was sharing a bathroom with Jack. His parents lived in this old farmhouse, which was very nice, but the plumbing? Not so much in the “advanced” category. The plumbing was from Little House on the Prairie. Possibly the plumbing was Amish.

So anyway, the first night I was there, I used this plumbing. And it did not respond...well. It did that gurgling, water-rising thing. And I freaked out accordingly. And there was nothing I could do -- no plunger, not even a toilet brush, and there I was, staying at a house with random parents I hardly knew and a semi-new boyfriend, and all of them had already fallen asleep. I thought fast. Fast! And this is what I came up with.

1. I opened the window.
2. I grabbed a dixie cup.
3. I scooped out the poo.
4. I threw it out the window.
5. I hid the cup in the trash can.

So...yeah, that’s what I did. And, eventually, the water sort of went down and the toilet went back to normal, and I thought all was right with the world. Until the next day, of course, when it turned out that I had thrown the poo ONTO THE BACK PORCH. But even THAT was okay, because they had a big dog.

I know. Oh, I know. Y'all, this is awful. You can stop reading now if you want to.

And...and it wasn’t until I watched LJ’s dad scooping up my own, personal deposit with the dog’s pooper scooper that I almost died of abject humiliation and shame. At that moment, I decided that this was the exact sort of thing I would take to my grave.

Until I had to deal with an uncontrollably bawling #2.

And told her, and the tertiary girlfriend, and Ames, the whole story.

Everyone laughed, and #2 felt better because she could now be secure in the knowledge that, if I were to ostracize her for the circumstances of her bowel movement, she could respond with equal ammunition. We all swore each other to secrecy. We. Swore. We went on with our lives. Until.

Senior year fraternity formal. Imagine twinkling lights, a fine restaurant. Expensive wine and nice dresses. We actually drove from Nashville to Florida for this event, it’s that big of a deal. And about twenty of us were all sitting at this long table, sipping our wine and playing “I Never.” Which is...always appropriate during a fine dining experience, but whatever. Still, though, it was pretty tame stuff, all things considered (by which I mean “considering how ridiculously drunk most of us already were”), like “I never had sex in the fraternity house,” or “I never threw up on that nasty ass couch and pretended I didn’t.” It was tame, people. TAME.

But then? It was Ames’s turn. Ames. Who is missing that part of your brain that filters things. And also that part that remembers things. Like where she was sworn to secrecy. That part. Because she promptly announced, in the loudest voice imaginable, “I never threw my own shit out a window in a dixie cup.”

Total silence. No one was drinking. I actually wasn’t paying all that much attention, and for some reason, I did not immediately realize she was talking about me. I was thinking car window, road trips, some drunk thing one of the drunk ass guys did on the way down here or something. But no. ‘Cause at that point, Ames pointed her finger at me, and hollered, “DRINK, WOMAN!"

Oh, the mortification. MORT. IFICATION. I died. Right then, I died. I am writing this entry from beyond the grave. I did not survive that experience. And the worst part was that...uh, I had never told Jack about it. And so of course, Ames told him (actually, she told EVERYONE, because everyone was now SPELLBOUND) the whole story, INCLUDING the part about JACK'S DAD having to POOPER SCOOP my POO, and Jack almost lost it, but not so much in a good way. Everyone else DID lose it. And, of course, remembered the whole story, detail for excruciating detail, when we got back to school on Monday. Thank God we graduated the next month.

So, to summarize:

1. I have bad poo experience in Indiana
2. I tell friends about bad Indiana poo experience in Nashville
3. Bad Indiana poo experience is shared with everyone I know while in Florida
4. I feel need to share bad poo experience with Dukay somewhere in between Charleston and Atlanta, and:
5. Now I feel like sharing bad poo experience with everyone in the WORLD, and THANK YOU, INTERNET, for allowing me this golden, golden opportunity.

And, this concludes Miss Doxie's Poop week. From now on, I'm talking about bunnies and unicorns, and I don't want to hear SHIT about it.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

P.S.: Also, a big, non-poop related thank you for the nominations for the Diarist Awards! Y'all nomiated me for best comedic entry AND best journal. That was so nice of you! It makes me feel special and loved, and makes me feel comfortable sharing very, very excruciatingly embarrassing stories with y'all. Aren't you GLAD?

Anyway. If y'all want to vote, here is the main voting page thingy. Now, go drink a green beer!

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

61 Comments

That is by far the best thing I have ever read. Although, I am sure we all have certain poo stories in our closets. Well, metaphorically speaking anyway. Ewwww...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Posted by: Morgan | March 17, 2005 10:29 AM

Oh, bless your heart, Dear, that your interstate (as in, involving more than one state) poop story has now gone national....no, GLOBAL, via your lovely blog entry. Oh, the horror.

But thanks for the giggles. I just SO needed that this morning. Teehee.

Posted by: LadyBug | March 17, 2005 11:35 AM

nothing beats a good poo story.

ever notice how "diary" and "diarrhea" sound a lot alike?

Posted by: sunni | March 17, 2005 11:52 AM

Embarassing thing that happened while reading Miss Doxie #96.
I had just gotten to the part about Ames telling everyone in Florida about not ever throwing shit out the window when the principal called. I was laughing hysterically and COULD NOT remember what i was going to say to him. Faked the whole conversation.
Thanks Doxie :)

Posted by: Mandi | March 17, 2005 11:54 AM

*dying*

*wheezing with laughter*

This was KILLA, Leigh.

Posted by: bluepoppy | March 17, 2005 11:57 AM

You almost got me kicked out of the law library. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it after an enviro test from hell.

Posted by: MJF | March 17, 2005 12:07 PM

Oh. My. God. That is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life. You've outdone yourself. That is even better than Fuck the Symphony, and I thought nothing could ever touch that one.

I've also got a Poop category in my blog (I think Dooce does too), but that is the most brilliant Poop entry ever in the history of the world.

Now I am off to link it to everyone I know. The fact that it was written by a tall beautiful thin blonde will just intrigue them all the more, especially the guys.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | March 17, 2005 12:19 PM


Ok confessions.... Similar thing happened to me involving a Douche, a window, a portch and a old bf lets call him Jerry Dean Mc Cafferty from Texas. Now lets just say that one was getting ready and lets just say that one was waiting outside for said person to be getting ready. And lets just assume that one doesnt have the sence god gave her when it comes to direction. And one thought that throwing it outside till a later time to pick it up would be a good idea after said bf went to sleep.And lets just assume that one seeing ones douche land in front of him in the chair wasnt exactly what he wanted to see. and lets just say this when said bf came in the house and held out the said douche and then said these words "NOW i know how your so much like a summer breaze" that i died right then. Send flowers to my burial spot please...

Posted by: first timer | March 17, 2005 12:24 PM

That? Was possibly the funniest thing I've read in a while. I'm on a stupid conference call right now, and I may have cracked up somewhere around "and it wasn’t until I watched LJ’s dad scooping up my own, personal deposit with the dog’s pooper scooper". That's not really something I could share with the rest of conference call participants, so I made something up as to why I let out a very, very loud laugh in the middle of someone's stupid speech. They totally think I'm an idiot.

Posted by: Heather | March 17, 2005 12:24 PM

PS FUCK THE SYMPHONY AND CHARLESTON (could this be our new catch phrase?

Posted by: first timer | March 17, 2005 12:26 PM

Heather, that's okay. There is a secretary who sits right outside my office, and I'm sure she has already gone to the partners more than once about why frequently I sit alone in my office giggling like a fool for no perceptible reason. I daresay this is happening all across America, even as we speak.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | March 17, 2005 12:43 PM

Ya'll have no idea...I had to explain the tears in my eyes to the secretary who came to my office for a check. I turned around and she thought I was upset about something and I had to attempt to explain that I wasn't crying, I was laughing.

RIP, Doxie! Thanks for the funny!

Posted by: Miss | March 17, 2005 01:40 PM

I think I will call you Miss Dixie-cup from now on. K?

Green beers for everyone!

Posted by: Em | March 17, 2005 02:12 PM

Dear Ms. Doxie,

Longtime lurker-de-lurking. You have me laughing in my lunch over that story! (Alright, I paused eating the lunch while reading it.)

I love your hysterically funny writing. Thanks for the smiles you give.

Posted by: Hil | March 17, 2005 02:14 PM

Ms Dixie-Doxie!!
Doxie-Dixie?
Ipso dixit!

Posted by: cav | March 17, 2005 02:27 PM

Oh my goodness, I don't think I've ever laughed as long or as hard at any journal entry ever, and I read a lot of journals. :) If anything, El Dukay must love you more, as do we all!

If anyone's in the mood for more poop-centric hilarity, check out Sundry's Log Patrol entry.
http://sundry.diaryland.com/030714_46.html

Posted by: Fuck the Symphony!!! | March 17, 2005 02:46 PM

Oh.My.Fucking.God

that was by far the funniest thing I ever read!! I know I shouldn't laugh at your miss fortune, but damn, really? I can't help it. I couldn't breath for a full minute, I almost passed out.

I love your writing, keep it up!

Posted by: Ashlee | March 17, 2005 02:47 PM

i might be able to top it, i'm not sure. you decide.

one new year's day, 'round midnight, i remembered it was my dad's birthday and went to the bank to get some cash to get him a card. for some reason, i parked in a handicapped space, which i never do, and locked my keys in the car, which i frequently did. damnit! fortunately, the bank was up the street about a mile from my house, so i was able to walk home and get a spare.

on the way back, standing at a stoplight, i felt a funny feeling in my tummy. an ominous rumbling. i looked back in the direction of my house and thought, "no, too far. i won't make it. gotta just ignore it." i started crossing the street & felt it again. still ignored it. i got onto the sidewalk and felt it again, plus cramping. i was on a public thoroughfare, and i had to take a dump. IMMEDIATELY! EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!

all that was open was a 7-11 that infrequently allowed patrons to use its facility. now, you have to understand -- i'm a middle to upper middle class girl, well educated, etc. etc., but i'm desperate. i'm on the street, having a bowel emergency. i've got to GO. like, NOW. i don't want to risk begging the guy behind the counter. what if it *comes* while i'm asking? or before i even get in the door? no, no, no!

so i hightail it behind the 7-11, fully prepared and ready to rip my jeans down BEHIND THE DUMPSTER . i rush back there, and guess what? some JACKASS stoner guy is sitting next to the dumpster! what the fuck, i ask you? i froze, and he did too, shocked to see someone rushing up on him. i just backed away, didn't say a word, flew into the store and BEGGED to use the bathroom. the dude let me, thank god, and i proceeded to violate that tiny little room. someone had thoughtfully left a can of lysol in there and you can be sure i used the hell out of it.

sigh. that's my poop story. people called me SEV forever after that!

Posted by: erin | March 17, 2005 03:08 PM

I am suddenly and inexplicably living in mortal fear of the poo. Seriously.

Happy drinking tonight!

Posted by: Coleen | March 17, 2005 03:12 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! I can't breathe! I can't breathe! :D

Posted by: Jon in Michigan | March 17, 2005 03:55 PM

I am sitting in the silent section of the library working on one of four term papers and I am surrounded by people furiously typing on laptops. I decided that I'd take a little break and see if you had updated. I should have known better, I laughed so hard that I have gotten many dirty looks and some people have asked me to leave. They don't even do that to people who whisper scream into their cell phones.

Posted by: Betsy | March 17, 2005 04:13 PM

Oh my god, Leigh -- I am simultaneously screaming with laughter and cringing out of mortification for you. But mostly the former.

And personally, I don't think that your dixie cuu plan was half bad, given the circumstances.

Posted by: Martha | March 17, 2005 04:30 PM

Leigh, you know that silent laughter that turns into a wheeze thing? Yeah… My office mate probably thinks I’m a wildebeest with an upper respiratory infection now.

Thanks.

Loved the post… you’re the best! Kudos.

Posted by: suzanna danna | March 17, 2005 04:40 PM

Forgive me if I'm fixating on the wrong detail here, but how big was that dixie cup? 'Cause I'm picturing one of those little tiny ones and... at least Jack's dad had a pooper scooper to keep things at arm's length, but you actually stuck your hand in the toilet and picked up your poop? Ew. Wow. That's dedication.

Posted by: Adam875 | March 17, 2005 04:50 PM

*laugh seizures* MEDIC!

Posted by: lizardek | March 17, 2005 05:12 PM

OH MY GOD! Thank you once again Miss D for the hilarity, I have tea coming out my nose once again, and my room-mate thinks I am a completely barmy nutter who needs to be locked up. My own personal poop story is this...

I was out driving one day when suddenly I HAD TO GO, and I meant HAD TO as in extreme emergency. The only place for miles was this tiny lil farmhouse so I pulled up and asked this lovely old lady who owned it if I could use her bathroom. Turns out, the fish I had for lunch? BAD PLAN! I was in there for HALF AN HOUR! And she thought I'd died or was giving birth judging by the noises I was making, oh the shame...and the smell...I went back the next day with the biggest, most fragrant bunch of flowers I could find, left them on the porch and ran away....

Posted by: Moneypenny | March 17, 2005 05:36 PM

HEEEE!!!!!!!!!! *wheeze* HEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! *wipe away the tears!!!*

ohmygod--funniest story EVER! Almost fell out of my chair!!! That's just the sort of escalating embarrassment problem I would get myself into.. the reason it's so funny is because it DIDN'T happen to me!

When I was in high school, my best friend and I were hanging out at the house her crush was house-sitting at....she did her business in the toilet, which promptly proceeded to overflow. She had to go tell the boy she had been lusting after for 2 years that her poop was about to float over the toilet rim, so could he please help her fix the toilet?

Posted by: Kathryn | March 17, 2005 09:31 PM

Seriously, seriously funny. Oh my god.

Posted by: Liz | March 18, 2005 11:51 AM

Oh my goodness. That was extraordinary.

Posted by: citycrab | March 18, 2005 12:08 PM

I think I am the only one who did not find this story hilarious, possibly because I have an excruciatingly similar story of my own. This one involving a complete stranger, a HUMONGOUS poo, and a butcher knife (the plunger just wouldn't do it for my poo).

RIP to all of us who have died in bathrooms.

Posted by: lurker | March 18, 2005 12:26 PM

You. Crack. Me. Up.

Posted by: Lyn | March 18, 2005 12:27 PM

You are a class act.

Posted by: Rick | March 18, 2005 12:45 PM

What a time to come to your blog for the first time. Am reapplying makeup now due to tears-of-laughter-streams scoring my cheeks.

Posted by: Real Girl | March 18, 2005 12:53 PM

I blogged about you, but you have no trackback. So, here ya go:

http://recommendedread.blogspot.com/2005/03/blogs-that-r-teh-awesem.html

Posted by: beth | March 18, 2005 03:50 PM

How the hell can just one person be responsible for so much funny? Truly brilliant, Leigh, magically bringing sunshine into the lives of others, even when blogging poo!

Posted by: TheMac | March 18, 2005 05:09 PM

I loved that story! I was eating and everything! Thank you. Thank you Doxicola, for telling that tale.

Posted by: earl | March 18, 2005 09:36 PM

Oh, thank you for that. I'm writing this from beyond the grave, as I DIED upon reading that. Awesome.

Posted by: Fraulein N | March 19, 2005 06:14 PM

I think that this is perhaps the funniest thing I have ever read in a journal.

Thanks for the laugh. I needed one today.

Posted by: Karen | March 20, 2005 06:21 PM

Ok so i havent stopped singing the old DOXIdan commercial . Anyone remember the DOXIdan man?? oh lord why do i do this................

Posted by: first timer | March 21, 2005 01:42 PM

Definitely one of your funniest! Congratulations on the Diarist noms - you deserve it!

Posted by: Lara | March 21, 2005 02:14 PM

Zoot sent me.....cracking up at my desk with everyone wondering why I'm laughing like this.....
alone, in my office, wiping tears from my eyes...

Posted by: Laura | March 21, 2005 02:20 PM

Wow. Misszoot said it would be a funny story, but I was scepticle. I had to start coughing at work to cover my laughs.

Posted by: alfredsmom | March 21, 2005 04:20 PM

Hey, Zoot sent me here with the promise of wheat thins if I didn't laugh. Her wheat thins are safe because that I laughed so loud that my daughter stirred from her nap and my husband got alarmed! Great story!!!!

Posted by: mrsrum | March 21, 2005 04:49 PM

BUMMER I DON'T WIN ZOOT'S WHEAT THINS!!!!!!!! I couldn't help but laugh my butt off!!!

Posted by: Hula Doula | March 21, 2005 04:51 PM

Hah! I win the Wheat Thins..'cause I didn't laugh one bit.

**turning blue with holding breath**

ALRIGHT! I'M A FRICKIN' LIAR....BWAHHAHAHAHHA but this was way funny!

Posted by: Liz | March 21, 2005 05:19 PM

I laughed. So hard. I love poop. And? I'm dead serious here, my 8-month-old baby sitting next to me started laughing, too.

Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist | March 21, 2005 05:28 PM

LMFAO That is the funniest freakin story I have ever read! I was seeing it all in my head while I was reading it, you know to get the whole picture, I am still howlin!

Posted by: Val | March 21, 2005 07:02 PM

I'd like to comment but I'm down on the floor laughing so hard, I'm afraid I might poop if I try to move.

And I can actually top that story, but I'd have to get to know you all better before I divulged.

Posted by: Mamacita | March 21, 2005 09:16 PM

I cannot believe that happened. It is so funny and SO embarrassing that I do believe you died after it was shared. Because, how could you not? SO embarrassing. You can't make this stuff up.

Posted by: DeAnn | March 22, 2005 01:19 AM

Zoot sent me over for this tale, and I'm cracking up. I probably would have died too, who can blame you? I have serious issues about pooping, so this would be my ultimate mortification. :)

Posted by: Crystal | March 22, 2005 01:41 AM

I think I just shit myself.

Posted by: MongaKim | March 22, 2005 10:40 AM

Oh Miss Doxie, you hilarious creature you! Would it make you feel any better if I told you that this happened to a friend of mine while at a semi-new boyfriends house except when she hucked it out the window it hit the neighbors car? SPLAT! Right on the passenger side window! AND, to add to the horror, the neighbor happened to see and promptly marched next door to demand an explanation along with her cleaning services. Needless to say, that relationship ended roughly ten minutes later.

Posted by: Hati | March 22, 2005 11:42 AM

i don't know if it's just 3 in the a.m., or if it's really that funny, but DUDE. seriously. i'm cracking up, out loud and everything.

Posted by: carissa | March 23, 2005 03:41 AM

Some friends of mine told me a story that happened at their fraternity house in college. Apparently one night a brother got extremely drunk, to the point that when the urge came upon him he was too disoriented to find the bathroom. First he barged in upon another fellow who was busy with his girlfriend and was angrily ordered to leave. In desperation he spies a chair sitting in the middle of the hallway and decides that this is in fact the toilet. He drops trou and dumps a load right on the chair. At this point someone else comes down the hallway, discovers this, and starts screaming at the guy. Our culprit stands up with poop in his hand and starts staggering down the hallway, dragging poop along the wall, pleading for help. Apparently when he sobered up he was forced to clean up his mess!

Posted by: aworldnervelink | March 23, 2005 09:57 AM

I linked to this post, here: http://summarilyoverruled.typepad.com/frequent_citations/2005/03/i_have_to_go.html

You are awesome, and some of the comment stories were almost as good!

Posted by: Citations | March 23, 2005 06:38 PM

That is definately one of the funniest stories ever! The other twin will probably need a good laugh when I see him next; be sure I will direct him right to it!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | March 23, 2005 10:29 PM

Oh Citations - You are truly THE queen for sending me here. You KNOW how stuffy these people are in my office. I think my lip is bleeding from biting it to keep from laughing.

Doxie - I thank God that I cannot even sympathize with your tales except in the #1 form - hence the posted name given to me by Citations. I'd share my stories, but only poop stories make people cry this hard.

Posted by: Pnut | March 24, 2005 09:55 AM

This is the most hilarious story that I've heard in a really long time. Even though it's embarassing thank you for sharing it with the "world"...I think we could all use a good laugh very often.
What you did sounds like something I would definitely do if I were in the same situation as you were in. I guess great minds think alike!

Posted by: Cara | March 24, 2005 05:28 PM

That is a fantastic story! You are a brave girl for sharing that with the Internet. And we thank you. I needed that laugh!

Posted by: Karen | March 25, 2005 08:02 PM

Hyperventilating so hard...it hurts! In Paris! Alone at 1am. I will giggle myself to sleep over this one.

Posted by: Gentry de Paris | March 26, 2005 07:14 PM

Okay, I'm gone for five weeks so of course I'm catching up on my Doxie and ... Holy shit(get it?), what have I been missing? That story was the shit! Well, okay, maybe I'm overdoing it.

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | April 1, 2005 10:20 PM

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