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Once Upon A Time, Not So Long Ago

February 25, 2005

So. Guess what I did last night? It is four words long. Each word is beautiful and glorious, and the words are:





That is right. Thank you, Dukay, for introducing me to the world of FauxJon and his tight blue jeans and beautiful overprocessed hair. This may be the best gift I have ever received. Bon Jovi Cover Band is the gift of love.

Now, let's talk about the Bon Jovi Cover Band for a moment. First of all, let's discuss the fact that the FauxJon looks EXACTLY, TERRIFYINGLY, PRECISELY like Jon Bon Jovi. EXACTLY. And he sounds EXACTLY, TERRIFYINGLY, PRECISELY like Jon Bon Jovi.

EX. ACT. LY. I really can't emphasize this enough. It is a doppelganger situation. One of the two is clearly an evil twin.

And this made me think. Really, there were not a lot of options about what FauxJon could do with his life. At some point he had to have a Major Realization, that, man, I do look exactly like Bon Jovi. What the hell do I do with that?

I mean, he couldn't be, like, an accountant. What would you do, if you went in to see your accountant, and he WAS Jon Bon Jovi? You would freak the heck OUT, is what you would do, and you would say, "Dude, you look JUST LIKE BON JOVI and it is FREAKING ME THE HECK OUT." And then you would find someone else to do your accounting, because you don't really know what kind of money management skills Jon Bon Jovi possesses. I mean, yeah, he wrote Livin' on a Prayer and all, but that does not qualify him to handle my IRA.

FauxJon was directly in front of me, which enabled me to see his rippling thigh muscles through his criminally tight jeans, and which also allowed for some Very Special Moments between FauxJon and myself. It was a standing-room-only situation, and I was there with a bunch of people, and I ended up front and center, DIRECTLY in front of the FauxJon, where I proceeded to develop a HUGE FauxCrush because...Bon Jovi! Almost! I was tremendously in love with Jon in the early eighties, and last night, I felt all that prepubescent, statutory affection rushing back in an Exclamation!-perfume-scented wave, and it made me nostalgic for a simple time where my greatest challenge in life was convincing my father that it WAS TOTALLY COOL for Boy George to wear more makeup than my mother, and that large, teased hair = perfection from Jesus.

I mean, GOD. Dad, do you really want to hurt Boy George? Do you really want to make him cry when you make fun of his eyeshadow?

Anyway. So, moments of LOVE between FauxJon and myself, culminating with his singing, "You were born to be my baby," DIRECTLY TO ME (I have witnesses!), to which I shouted back, "BABY, YOU WERE MADE TO BE MY MAN, FAUXJON!"

And then I considered throwing my bra on the stage and screaming "NEW JERSEY!" but that is when I remembered that...FauxJon. It may walk like a duck, and sound like a duck, but at the end of the day, that guy's real name is probably Henry.

But I was, apparently, the only one to have that realization, because...y'all, people were IN to the cover band. Girls were shrieking, like old-sixties-film-Beatles-shrieking, and guys were pounding their fists into the air, and Dukay sat on the sidelines with our friends who are way too cool to be, like, MOSHING at a fake Bon Jovi concert, DUH. But not me, who was (let's recall) FRONT AND CENTER, receiving a personal serenade about how I was made for FauxJon, and he was made for me, and the love that we share will almost certainly result in several children who are all born with processed hair and dimples, and that is FINE, that is all I need out of life.

We built up to a frenzy of FauxExcitement, and everyone was screaming, and the lights were flashing, as they played the last, shrieking strains of Bad Medicine (that is what I NEED), the drummer (FauxSomeoneElse) stood from behind his drums, and, overcome, threw his drumstick into the crowd, and...

WHUNK! Right across my nose. Ow.

Also: OW.

This morning I awoke with the bittersweet memories of my FauxEvening, my ill-fated, brief, FauxLove, and one VERY VERY REAL AND OW DON'T TOUCH PAINFUL bruise across the bridge of my nose.

1987, y'all. Good place to visit, but you wouldn't want to stay there, because...it's tough. So tough.

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink


Now I don't want to seem unconcerned about your nose. I am. How's the nose? (see!) However, my first thought was - did you get to keep the stick???? :)

Posted by: Aimee | February 25, 2005 11:19 AM

You are totally brilliant, how you worked all those lyrics in there.

Posted by: Rachel | February 25, 2005 12:09 PM

Oh, me too. Concerned about the nose, yes (Oh, you Poor Baby. -- See there? Concern.), but DID YOU GET TO KEEP THE STICK?

Posted by: LadyBug | February 25, 2005 12:40 PM

I went to see a Journey cover band last year at this really seedy "movie theater" that promised $1.50 drafts. They sucked pretty bad. So bad, infact, that I wrote a complaint letter to the manager. Mostly because the beers were $3.00. Pathetic, huh?

Posted by: Boozie | February 25, 2005 01:22 PM

OMG. My coworkers now think I am officially insane. And? I have a picture of me with the REALJON up in my cube. I kissed him. (chaste like, but still, knees buckled and shit)

I want to see FAUX JON! lol

Posted by: amy | February 25, 2005 01:33 PM

Owie, your poor nose. I do hope you got to keep the stick, but I also hope that you made a proper incident report and promptly sought medical assistance in case legal action becomes necessary. I mean, faux Bon Jovi is all well and good, but you know. Potential liability situation.

I saw the Doors cover band Wild Child. Same oh-so-close-to-the-real-thing experience, same non-faux audience reaction. Funny thing, cover bands.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | February 25, 2005 02:51 PM

Sounds like such an awesome time (aside from the nose bruise, of course).

Oh, and Amy? Do you mind if I hate you for that? The closest I got to REALJON was when I molested (and almost broke) the wax statue of him at Mme Toussaud's in NYC.

Posted by: erica | February 25, 2005 04:32 PM

For the love of GOD, share info on where we can see the cover band. FauxJon is way better than no Jon at all, and I need some Jon in my life. Please? Thanks.

Posted by: msmack | February 25, 2005 06:14 PM

I'm a wee jealous. There aren't enough 80s cover band bands to go around. And here I was with Duran Duran fo' real here recently and I missed it. Gainful employment ruins all your fun.

The best little concert I saw was Steve Burns. Of Blue's Clues. You wanna see funny, watch all the soccer mamas AND the drunk college students sway to the music together. That was priceless.

Posted by: MissFish | February 25, 2005 06:14 PM

oh i would have been beside myself with the love and other gooey stuff. lucky duck you.

Posted by: honestyrain | February 25, 2005 09:33 PM

First, to MissFish: the soccer mamas were drunk at Steve's shows, too. heh

Second, Miss Doxie, where did Dukay find a FauxJon show? Can you Google that?

Posted by: Pleyton | February 26, 2005 08:21 AM

I don't want to put a link, because I don't want them to know I'm all TALKING about their bizniss, but the band might be found at something that is like slipperywhenwetband.com.

I can't deny y'all the love. It would not be right.

And, NO, I did NOT end up with the damn stick. Because I was like OW, and then my friend Brian was like, "Baby, it's okay...someday."

Posted by: Miss Doxie | February 26, 2005 01:01 PM

Ouchie your poor nose, sending love and huggles to you. Reminds me of the time I took my lil sis to a Nirvana tribute show for her 16th birthday. It was a great night, I ended up breaking this jerks nose for molesting my sis, no better feeling in the world! I think Faux concerts=broken noses for someone....

LMAO just read the Zappos story, I'm british, I don't get Zappos, I think I need therapy now...

Posted by: Kat | February 26, 2005 03:33 PM

I'm sorry... I can't hold off the mental pictures... and laughing... long enough to write a worthwhile comment...! But I hope your precious nose recovers!

And I'm giving El Dukay a notional Top-Gun-style high-five right now(smack!) for finding those tickets!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | February 26, 2005 03:33 PM

Man, I wish they'd get big enough to come north for some shows. Maybe it's time for me to take a trip to TN and visit some family...
Bummer about the drumstick, though.

Posted by: erica | February 27, 2005 11:30 AM

That is the most awesome thing ever, and I am already dreaming of the day when I can go and see FauxJon for myself. Jealousy!

Posted by: Heather | February 28, 2005 02:10 PM

Hmmm...maybe it really is Jon, he's just tryin to be "under" cover?

Posted by: ManNMotion | March 1, 2005 12:37 AM

Miss Doxie, I Do Apologize For For Stickin Ya Like That....I Usually Hate To Throw Sticks. But You're Right, I Was All Up In The Moment, Somthin Bout The Spirit That Night Just Had Me.
You Must've Caught The Show @ Andrews Upsatirs (andastickinthenose) Just Playin...My Most Humble Apologies. If You Want, Let Me Know And The Next Time We Play Andrews I Put You On The Guest list. Or Nashville 4/1 Monsters Of Mock.
Truly Sorry T.B.

Posted by: Troy Bryan aka The Stick Thrower | March 29, 2005 09:33 AM

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