« Happy VD! | Main | Once Upon A Time, Not So Long Ago »

Admissions Department, Part One

February 19, 2005

So, the wireless died again. And I fixed it all by myself, ALL BY MYSELF, and now I strongly believe that I may be invincible.

Y'all, I probably am.

Because I am invincible, I decided that now would be a good time to come clean on some issues. Because if you're going to make a major pronouncement, like, if you are going to take a load off of your chest and make some SERIOUS ADMISSIONS, PEOPLE, what better place to do that than on the internet? Where everyone including your mother (hi, Mom!) can read them and judge you accordingly, for all time, forever and ever, amen? What better place, indeed! Hello, brilliant idea! Thank you for popping into my head.

So. Here is my list of Dirty, Dirty Secrets that Are About to Not Be Very Secret Anymore. Brace yourselves. I am feeling very proud of myself today.

1. I sing very bad folk songs in the shower. Oh yes, I do. It is all AM Gold, all the time in there, baby. Do not tell El Dukay.

Really, we should not be too worried about El Dukay, who never reads this site anyway, even when I tell him, "Dukay! I wrote about you! Go read!" When I tell him this, he invariably says, "Oh, I will totally read that, sometime in the future when I have nothing to do, even though I am sitting at a computer playing solitaire right now at this exact minute, but I cannot possibly be dragged away because HI, SOLITAIRE is more interesting than you."

Maybe that is not exactly what he says. But it is what his heart says to me.

Anyway, do you like how I managed to totally take all the focus off of my own admission, and place all blame squarely on the shoulders of Dukay, who has nothing to do with singing folk songs in showers? Do you like that? Not only am I invincible, I am also BRILLIANT.

2. Speaking of which, I strongly believe, and will point this out to people (see: Dukay, Dig, Timmy, y'all) that that whole BRILLIANT! marketing campaign that Guinness is doing? WELL. THAT WAS COMPLETELY MY IDEA, ASSHOLES, because DIDN'T I WRITE ABOUT THAT LAST YEAR? HUH? That's RIGHT I did.

You can send me my check, Guinness marketing team. I would also like a new bicycle and an adorable haircut. Get on that.

Moving on:

3. I hate my feet. Feet, I hate you so much.

Feet are not, as a rule, very pretty appendages. But I really hate mine. They are the ugliest feet in the land, and I will not go without shoes even if you pay me money. When El Dukay and I were first dating, we were over at his place, and we started with the kissing (MOM: STOP READING NOW. YOU TOO, AUNT RIE. See, when I say we were "kissing", that means "We were studying in the library.") Anyway, kissing, and you know, and onwards and so forth, and El Dukay tried to take off my shoes, AND I REFUSED.

That is how much I hate my feet. So much, that I was willing to convince a thoroughly perplexed El Dukay that I was a Woman With Issues, who will not TAKE HER SHOES OFF, even when she is in a bed. This disturbed him. He still brings this up. As in,

Self: Dude, did you eat the last frozen pizza?

El Dukay: WHY WOULDN'T YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF THAT TIME? ARE YOU INSANE?

And:

4. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on food that I never actually eat.

I do this every time I go to the grocery store. I cannot leave the grocery store without purchasing eggs, milk, bread, and sandwich meats. And then I never eat them. They sit in the refrigerator or in the pantry, all hopeful and fresh, and I reach past them for Diet Cokes. I kill their hope, the small hopes of these little fresh foods, and ultimately, they give up and grow very sad mold, and must be tossed in the garbage. And then I go to the grocery store and think, "Huh, I'm out of eggs," AND THE CYCLE BEGINS ANEW.

I have some problem wherein I feel like it is wrong if I don't have those staples on hand. Grown up people keep eggs and milk. Grown up people also remember to buy paper towels on occasion, though, and I am ALWAYS forgetting those fuckers.

That's it for now. I feel very naked, having made all of these admissions. I'm sure there are many more, but frankly, I can't think of anything shocking at the moment. Give me time; we'll be drinking tonight, so probably by tomorrow morning, I'll have all KINDS of shit to admit to. Right after I finish singing all of John Denver's Greatest Hits in the shower.

You fill up my senses. Every one of you.

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

21 Comments

I am having a moment of sadness and loneliness where NO ONE LOVES ME, so your update came at the perfect time. Thanks for cheering me up. You are most certainly brilliant and also pretty and you have fabulous lovely shoes! To diguse your hideous feet! :)

Posted by: Em | February 22, 2005 06:19 PM

Hey, I was going to mention the fabulous shoes used to disguise the feet. Now we REALLY know why shoes are so important to you! And the announcement that you are BRILLIANT! is kind of a rip-off since we all know that already.

Maybe you could gradually work your way from open-toed to sandals to complete bare-footedness. Give it a try, and keep us posted.

And I think being compelled to routinely buy eggs, milk and bread only to watch it be consumed by mold instead of family and friends is pretty common. I noticed myself perpetuating the same cycle, so I just buy LESS eggs and LESS milk each time so less is relinquished to moldiness. Thats my strategy.

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | February 22, 2005 07:29 PM

You silly girl. Don't buy food; buy booze. That way you know with absolute certainty that you will use it before it goes bad; in fact, you will probably use it before you have a chance to put it in the pantry at all.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | February 22, 2005 07:42 PM

OMG your moldy eggs are probably cousins to my moldy eggs and you know what? I HATE EGGS. Seriously, yo.

Posted by: amy | February 22, 2005 08:59 PM

Ok, I am guilty of buying food that I have no intention of eating. That's why I own doxies ; )

Posted by: Brighton | February 22, 2005 10:50 PM

I can help you with that egg problem, you know.

Posted by: Bo | February 22, 2005 11:44 PM

Hey, Miss Doxie! I'm finally coming out. And not like of-the-closet, just out of not-commenting-ever-limbo.

I also had the egg problem. And since I been guilted into worrying about poor abused chickens (since I obviously didn't have enough to worry about with all of my dogs old friends at the shelter getting distemper and such) I was paying twice as much for the cage-free kind. But I've now kicked the eggs-rotting-every-week habit because I only use Better 'N Eggs or other such egg-like products. They last for freaking ever especially if you never use them like I don't.

Oh, and my admission to add to your list? I buy my dog a present every damn time I go to a store that sells stuff for dogs -- including the crappy toys at the grocery store. And my 75lbs. collie-mutt can shred non-well-made toys like they're paper towels (which he also like to shred). No wonder we're still poor...

Posted by: lakeline | February 23, 2005 10:00 AM

I don't understand...how can you throw away food when you have dogs? Especially eggs! Dogs love eggs, and as far as I can tell, they love mold! The eggs aren't bad, they've just become a community, one that I'm sure the dogs will be glad to join.

PS: As a professional man, I can say that men neither notice nor judge women by their feet. And most of the time, we don't notice your shoes, either. Sorry if I've spoiled any illusions, but at least you can stop worrying about the appearance of your feet as far as men go.

As an enlightened man (yeah, OK, mostly), I understand that shoes are for other women to see, not men. But the foot thing, give it up. We don't care. Truly.

Posted by: Mark | February 23, 2005 10:11 AM

I feel your pain on the ugly feet thing. I have two webbed toes that I am simply mortified to unveil. I was married for four years before I even let my wife see them.

Two words: double knot.

Posted by: Dr. Johnny Fever | February 23, 2005 01:46 PM

I do exactly the same thing with the eggs. Also with fresh fruit and veggies. Not so much with the bread and milk, because I have a husband and children to help consume them.

Posted by: LadyBug | February 23, 2005 01:47 PM

Okay, here is the solution.

Every time you want to buy groceries, STOP. And save that money for more shoes. Shoes that will make your feet look adorable even if you don't feel that they are.

It is absolutely a win-win situation.

And thank you so much for bringing the John Denver into my head. MONKEY.

Posted by: Coleen | February 23, 2005 04:17 PM

I read your diary (journal?) pre-MT days and I loved it. (Hey, remember me? Wanna be in the "Scary Movie Fans" clique but is a big ol' sissy?) For some reason I lost my favorite journal (diary?) folder and haven't been back to see you in a long time. I should of known you had a simple url. www.missdoxie.com, duh!

Anyway, I love the new site. Very organized and grown up (who are you kidding?? hehe) and the posts are wonderful. So glad I found you again!

Posted by: Jennah | February 24, 2005 04:55 AM

Too much information! You mean you were kissing in the library, you dear, sweet, intelligent, funny, beautiful princess?. Love, Aunt Rie

Posted by: Aunt Rie | February 24, 2005 11:37 AM

Hey, there. I'm also an admirer of your site from afar who's coming out of the lurking closet because if you're going to make me snort Diet Coke out my nose after reading your hilarious writing, I might as well comment. :)
And I have the same problem with buying food I never eat, only mine is centered more on fresh veggies. I'll see a bag of those cute baby carrots, for example, and think "Now there's a healthy snack." Then they sit in my refrigerator until they become whitish and slimy, which I suspect makes them lose their value as a healthy snack. On the other hand, I buy paper towels every damn time I go to the store, for some reason. Want some?

Posted by: Lisa | February 25, 2005 08:01 AM

GIRL! me too with the feet! OMG! do you hate that summer is quickly approaching? is the search for summery CLOSED-TOE shoes totally on? i'm MARRYING todd and still i hide the feet!

uh huh!

Posted by: type a | February 25, 2005 12:26 PM

Hey darlin Miss Doxie! I've just discovered your blog and now have tea coming out my nose after working my way through your wonderful stories, starting with Mrs Robinson (CRINGE!!!! I thought watching the Nicole/Jude love scene in Cold Mountain with my rents was bad enough...)
Anyway on the feet thing, my sister is a pedophobic because of my feet...enough said...

Posted by: Kat | February 26, 2005 03:26 PM

Eggs go bad? Uh oh...

Posted by: mramunds | February 26, 2005 05:38 PM

I hear you on both the always buying food that is never eaten (I mean, I *feel* healthy when I buy my salad stuff every week), and singing folk songs in the shower (hello, Peter, Paul & Mary!). It's my guy, though, that has the foot issues, which means that we have many, many fights about how he is NOT allowed to, um, study in the library, with his socks on. I'm sorry, but that is wrong.

Posted by: Jenny | February 26, 2005 07:58 PM

Eggs in all forms are totally overrated.

Posted by: El Dukay | February 27, 2005 07:34 PM

See now, I was RIGHT!

I told hubby when I saw your picures. I said..... Doxie is so damn beautiful.... I bet she has ugly feet. She must have ugly feet.

Cause you see? It's like this BIG ASS JOKE.... whenever we see anyone so pretty, so perfect. There must be SOMETHING wrong. Something you cant easily see. Like, oh, feet. Nothing personal, it's something I say about pretty people. Men too.

But you? You are freaking FLAWLESS, you pretty southern belle, you.

I still love me some Doxie though. and I bet your feet aren't as bad as you think.

Love, Scarlett Cyn

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | March 3, 2005 12:29 PM

At least it's only your own feet you abhor. In high school, I had a friend who was so disgusted by toes that she would run screaming from the room if anyone took their socks off...

Posted by: Laura | March 6, 2005 12:45 AM

Post a comment: