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Yet Another Entry Where Satan Makes A Guest Appearance

January 05, 2005

Tonight, I had dinner with Ziz and my parents and El Dukay, and this was a bittersweet occasion, because while the food was very, very excellent, this dinner was technically Ziz's goodbye dinner, because that fool child is moving to LOS ANGELES.

Which is all the way across the country, I MIGHT ADD. She is a heathen.

According to our little Jet Setter, she'll only be gone for a year. To this I say: poo. See, I think she should live with her awesome big sister (hint: this is me) and we should get drunk a lot. This is what I think. But NOOOOOO. She has this bee in her bonnet, something about "career" and "opportunity" and blah blah blah talky. (I tuned out. There is nothing more boring than "career." I mean, I'm trying to DRINK here, Buzzkiller.)

So now I don't know what I'm supposed to do when there are problems that only Ziz can solve, and there are a lot of such problems, particularly involving this DAMNED COMPUTER that I do not understand at all. See, I'm currently using Ziz's old Mac, and I DO NOT KNOW how to use a Mac. It is mysterious. Also, shiny. Also, I am constantly causing the little fucker to seize up. And, most significantly, when I tried to install wireless internet, I managed to knock out ALL internet service to my home. We don't know how this happened. I blame gnomes.

What we do know, however, is that after I brilliantly killed the internet, I had to connect using a DIAL UP MODEM. Like I was living in 1992, only without the metabolism I had when it was 1992, because apparently, that is asking too much.

But anyway. So I was on the dial-up, and Ziz instant messaged me (and this is something I don't truly understand, to be perfectly honest), and asked me if I'd fixed the connection. And I said no, and then we had this lovely exchange:

Self: It's completely dead. It's probably possessed.

Ziz: That's really the only explanation. It definitely wasn't your fault.

Self: POSSESSED, I tell you! By demons! By STAN HIMSELF.

(A very long time passes.)

Ziz: Wait. Who the fuck is Stan?

See? Because...not so much...Stan. I meant Satan. But it turns out, Stan is just a typo away.

And then we died of hysterical laughter, because PEOPLE....STAN! If you know someone named Stan, PLEASE send us his phone number so we can call him forever. And we will say witty things to him like, "Is your name Stan? Heeeeeee! You're, like, ALMOST Satan. Do you feel vaguely evil? Like if you had an 'a', you could do some serious damage?"

And then...that's the thing. I can't think of anyone else in the universe who would go ballistic with me at three in the morning over a typo, or who laughs at all of my jokes, or who can just look at me across the dinner table and say one word and render me hysterical. And now she's moving to California.

Ziz, take good care, and come home often. Watch out for sun poisoning, muggers, actors, and, most of all...Stan. I love you a million.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


I don't know why you're in the snarkiest category instead of the funniest one for the BoB's, but I voted for you! Sorry Ziz is leaving you. My sister moved to CA once but it only lasted 7 months. Musta missed me too much.

Posted by: Galloping Cat | January 5, 2005 08:42 AM

Sorry your sis is moving, that's really tough. I'm a faithful lurker, and you are hilarious. Happy De-Lurking Day!

Posted by: Sheryl | January 5, 2005 08:49 AM

What about Stanley? Extra letters but still no A. Also bad?

Good luck, Ziz! Sorry you will miss her much, Doxie, but at least you have the slow slow innernet to keep you "connected". And, also, the whole BLOOD thing.

Posted by: Em | January 5, 2005 09:51 AM

I don't think you're allowed to be named Stan in LA. Just a hunch.

Another "Happy Delurking Day" coming your way!

Posted by: Mir | January 5, 2005 10:40 AM

Delurking in honor of the holiday. Stan -- ha! I'm sure she'll move back in no time, don't you worry. I love your site (and the redesign).

Posted by: Jecca | January 5, 2005 11:00 AM

Stan. Hee. That made me laugh out loud. Now I look like the crazy at work. Hey, maybe Ziz can come and hang out with me here in CA, and you can hang out with MY sister who just abandoned me to move back East. Well, okay, you're totally not back East, but you see what I'm trying to do here. A Trading Sisters of sorts.

Posted by: Heather | January 5, 2005 11:57 AM

Hee! I will never look at anyone named Stan the same way. One letter away from Evil Incarnate! If Ziz gets too homesick, you can ship her some Zapp's potato chips -- yep, they ship to the Left Coast. I've had them. Yummmmm.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | January 5, 2005 01:06 PM

Welcome to LA, Ziz! Don't listen to what anyone else tells you, it is a GLORIOUS place to live. I love it so.

And Stan... yeah I know someone named Stan. I think that he actually is Satan.

Posted by: Erin | January 5, 2005 01:09 PM

Ditto Galloping Cat. WTF? You are so not snarky and coffee-spitting funny. BOB is a monkey.

Posted by: bluepoppy | January 5, 2005 01:14 PM

Oh my Loard. Stan. I just fell out of my chair. Well, really, it was because my butt was too close to the edge and I leaned back during a particularly intense stretch, but really I think it was because of Stan.

Posted by: Coleen | January 5, 2005 01:15 PM

My brother and I have the same repor. Dont get me started about the time I was laughing so hard I almost peed a little - just because he gave the smiley-face sign at Wal-Mart voices.

Its so NOT funny unless you were there. And me.

By the happy - happy de-lurking day. I check back all the time...and rarely comment.

Posted by: Zoot | January 5, 2005 02:15 PM

It sounds like you and your sister get along much like me and my sister do. Actually, we get along much better since we're on opposite sides of the country. I know that's little solace, but we haven't lived in the same time zone for, christ, nine years now and things are, as they say, just peachy between us. Love your site!

Posted by: Her Ladyship | January 5, 2005 02:47 PM

STAN! OMG that is priceless and also? the nickname we gave my exboyfriends....well, you know. And NOW, his weird hold over me for so many years makes total sense--if his "guy" was named STAN, then he was SO SO SO TOTALLY SATAN., And I am sorry he stole your internet, really.

CA isn't a bad place! I've lived in LA for 17 years! :)

Posted by: amy | January 5, 2005 03:11 PM

Oh !Zoot's comment made me think of my brother and how hard we laughed the day we discovered:


I could not breathe I was laughing so hard. And then? I was in FRANCE and saw a statue that was SOOOO Jesus with Gliding Action and started cracking the fuck up in Notre Dame and humming the little tune my brother and I made up as Jesus the Action Figure's theme song.

Posted by: amy | January 5, 2005 03:15 PM

Well, you can always stay in touch with Ziz over the innernet...

Posted by: Stan | January 5, 2005 03:43 PM

Happy de-lurking day also!
I think you are wonderful and read you all the time because you are wonderful and funny and very not snarky.
Also? I started calling my hub-unit "Stan" when he is being evil, and while he just looks at me funny I fall off the couch laughing.

Posted by: Queenie | January 5, 2005 05:18 PM

i have 2 ziz's of my own, and how we will laugh at things that no one else would even get... STAN! priceless.

Posted by: lindsay | January 5, 2005 05:21 PM

Stan. Satan. Santa. Hmmmmm. I need to pontificate.

Posted by: El Dukay | January 5, 2005 06:23 PM

STAN, I've been using it ALL DAY and all my friends are too.

We've decided that if you say his name three times fast while spinning round and round in front of a mirror, he will appear.

Posted by: amy | January 5, 2005 08:10 PM

Hmm....Could it be....SATAN??? Well isn't that special?

Posted by: Kathryn | January 6, 2005 08:56 AM

My computer was recently possessed by Stan too. Wireless is totally kaput. And? I AM a computer person. Can't figure it out for sh*t!

Posted by: Queen of Ass | January 6, 2005 11:09 AM

Awwwww! I'm so sorry you are losing Ziz to the West Coast, although being a life long LA resident I will say it's a delightful place to live. My sister only lives 20 minutes from me and I consider that borderline unacceptable, so I feel for you.

Happy belated holidays!

Posted by: Crazyaimz | January 6, 2005 12:55 PM

My little sister and I are the exact same way! I used to hate having a sister, but now I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Posted by: Rachael | January 6, 2005 06:33 PM

My grandpa's name is totally Stan. But, he is old and crotchety and if you called him? He would totally hang up on you. Good luck to Ziz in her move to the left coast.

Posted by: Rachel | January 7, 2005 11:22 AM

Ah Doxie, you make me laugh. The telephone extension for the big boss up here at work is x3666. I've often found humor (or fear) in that. Too bad his name isn't Stan as well, then I would really start to wonder.

My sister is moving to Alaska next week with her boyfriend, so I understand. My family is trying to cope. My mom hasn't stopped crying since New Year's Eve, and as the son, I have no idea how to handle that. Somehow 'fight it out' doesn't seem like the right answer.

Posted by: smartjuice | January 7, 2005 11:56 AM

Well, had my comment all ready and stuff until I got to El Dukay's comment above.

*Stares blankly at screen*

Anyway, sorry Ziz is moving far from you. If I were still in L.A., I'd show her around. (Ie: best shopping and whatnot)sigh.

She'll be back before you know it.

I bet you I could make you laugh your ass off at 3am. Wanna bet?

I missed your Satan posts. Truly. Cause this? Was damn funny.

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | January 7, 2005 12:07 PM

Maybe Stan knows Boffy.

Posted by: Hannah | January 8, 2005 11:18 PM

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