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This Way to Crazy

January 07, 2005

Y'all know Bo. Everyone knows Bo. But what you probably didn't know, what I have managed to keep a secret from almost everyone, including El Dukay, is that every night before Bo goes to (my) bed, he demands a glass of water.

But, not water out of a bowl. No. Bowl water is unacceptable, you idiot.

What Bo wants, what Bo needs before he goes to sleep, EVERY NIGHT, is water in a glass. And if you don't GIVE him water in a glass, he perches on the edge of the bed, gazing towards the bathroom, and whiiiiiiiines.

Like this:

Whiiiiiine. Whimper. Whine whine.

That is what he does, with increasing volume, and with those big, brown puppy dog eyes filled with sadness. And, if you don't notice this heartbreaking display, like if you are, I don't know, ASLEEP, he will climb up your body and stick his cold, wet nose up your nostrils until you are DEFINITELY NOT ASLEEP, NOPE, I'M UP, and then he will run down to the end of the bed and resume the whining.

He doesn't look at you at this point, because he is too busy saying, "Ohhhh, WOE. WOE and MISERY. Bo has been gazing at this bathroom for HOURS without moving. Bo has not moved at all, and it definitely was not Bo just sticking Bo's cold wet nose into your nostril. It couldn't have been Bo, because Bo is just too weak...and growing...weaker...with no...water [cough cough]...Bo will probably...die...soon."

So you give in and get up, and you stumble into the bathroom, and you fill up a glass of water for His Royal Highness of Short and Brown, who is SO THRILLED, OH THANK THE HEAVENS, THERE WILL BE WATER, and he bounces and leaps and jumps with joy, all the way over to the sink, where he bounces and leaps as you fill the glass, and OH THIS IS SO EXCITING. And so you return and place the glass on the floor, and he bounces and leaps over to the glass, and then:

Bo stops leaping, looks at you, and says: What is this? Is this...water? Bo doesn't really want any water.

So you say: Oh, buddy, you are going to DRINK that fucking water.

And Bo says: Bo isn't sure. Maybe.

So, now we have a stalemate. And you stand there, and Bo sniffs the water, and looks at you, like, "Is this all you are offering Bo? Is that the only thing that comes out of sink? Because Bo would prefer a hotdog. Or a kitten. Do you have a kitten? For to play with Bo?" until finally, he DEIGNS to take a few tentative laps, looking at you all the while, like OH, the things Bo has to do to keep Mom happy. Poor Bo. Bo's work is never done.

And this is what I go through, every night, every night, so that fourteen pounds of sheer, evil willpower will go to sleep in my own bed. And last night, while I was doing this in front of a thoroughly perplexed El Dukay, I could just imagine him thinking, "Huh. This is...yeah, this is not good."

So, for all of y'all out there, who send me emails about how I'm going to be that crazy dog lady when I'm old? About how I'm going to have dogs instead of children, and always smell vaguely of Milkbone? Too late, my friends. As of now, it is officially too late. I recommend that you all invest in Iams.

And I would say more, but someone is staring at me, because really. Bo's ears can't scratch THEMSELVES, now can they?

Everyone have a great weekend!

P.S.: On a totally unrelated note, I need to thank y'all for nominating me for the Snarkiest Blog Award over at the Best of Blogs. (I'm going to assume that "snark" is a synonym for "drunk." Because...isn't it?) If y'all want to vote in my category, here is the link to do so. And, I think Bo has promised never to bite people who vote, but that is just a rumor I heard.

Posted by doxie in The Dogs (Or, Poop) | permalink


You've got my vote! Snarky or not, you crack me up so much.

Good luck to ya.

Posted by: BB | January 7, 2005 05:30 PM

You? are hilarious! I shall now scurry over and vote for you.

Posted by: Rachael | January 7, 2005 08:11 PM

Jen likes how Bo refers to himself in the third person.

And Jen completely understands how Miss Doxie would let a dog push her around. Jen had to buy a king-sized bed so there would be enough room for Jen, her 175 lbs. of canines, the occasional cat, and her husband because Jen was tired of having to move to the guest room after said dogs sleep-expanded.

Posted by: jen | January 7, 2005 08:57 PM

Priceless!! And good luck with best of blogs. :D

Posted by: Erin | January 8, 2005 03:25 AM

I am already a crazy cat lady, no doubt about it. I am off to vote for you now!

Posted by: Fraulein N | January 8, 2005 07:42 PM

Honestly? Your dogs are way more amusing than my kids. Sanity is overrated, yo.

Posted by: Mir | January 8, 2005 09:55 PM

I like how Bo has started resolving to refer to himself in the third person, like Mango. I wonder how Tasha feels about that.

And last night I found out that my friend's mini poodle is so used to Saturday night martinis and Sinatra on the radio that whenever someone goes to the liquor cabinet, she starts barking and dancing, and then she goes over to the radio and starts scratching at it to turn it on. My friend will turn on the radio to the Sinatra station, and the dog lays on the carpet and snoozes contentedly.

I think your Fearsome Foursome have competition!

Posted by: Coleen | January 9, 2005 12:39 PM

Hee! I love Bo.

Posted by: Anna | January 9, 2005 03:07 PM

If Bo doesn't rouse you with the cold, wet nose, does he then break into "Climb Ev'ry Mountain?"

Posted by: randommuse | January 10, 2005 11:43 AM

I want to be shocked and appalled by this audacious display of Bo's (I really do!!), but I'm too busy turning on the damn bathroom water fawcet for my cat (the ONLY way he will drink water by the way) so that he won't pass out from dehydragation or wake me in the middle of the night with a burning UTI. :)

Posted by: Crazyaimz | January 10, 2005 01:45 PM

You have my vote, Doxie.

Whenever I dogsit for my parent's miniature schnauzer, I have to cater to his every whim and fancy. Like when he would rather sleep on MY pillow. Or how he gets milkbones EVERY hour. Or wants to go outside at 2am, then 4am, then 5 am, then lay in the bed and act pissed that you woke him up because you have to go to WORK. He is so spoiled, and my mother clearly needs a grandchild.

Posted by: smartjuice | January 10, 2005 02:05 PM

Bo is awesome. Thanks ever so much for sharing.

Posted by: Heather | January 11, 2005 02:06 AM

My favorite: "Bo isn't sure..."

Evil dog. It's no wonder you find him irresistable.

Posted by: Al | January 11, 2005 05:23 PM

Oh God. Laughing. So. Hard.
"Do you have a kitten? For to play with Bo?"
Because...ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I can just picture it, and damn. That is funny right there.

Okay, I'm a little punchy. I think it's officially bedtime.
Oh wait, gotta go cast a quick vote first....

Posted by: Melissa | January 11, 2005 09:40 PM

Oy. You're so not alone. My friend's dog Boo (aka "Sparky") does the very same thing. To offer him bowl water is Deeply Disrespectful and will put you on his Shit List Big Time.

Luckily, Scooter (my own tyrannical Dachshund) will drink bowl water. Even at night. If he wants to wake me up at 2am, he does so by poking me in the eyesocket with his snout and then staring at an empty corner of the room and barking and whining.

I'd definitely consider your blog to be the very epitome of fine snark. I'm off to cast my vote!

Posted by: Scooter's mom | January 12, 2005 11:25 AM

One of my Bostons is very "old and feeble" which is what I tell people to justify why we baby him so much. You should start telling people Bo is "old and feeble" because then they just say "Oh...poor thing" and don't give you crazy-dog-lady looks.

(it works for us).

Posted by: Zoot | January 12, 2005 03:17 PM

Heh. Bo's voice reminds me a lot of Dobby the House Elf. And makes me laugh a lot. Water? That's all you offer? Heh heh.

Posted by: Jecca | January 12, 2005 05:27 PM

OMG>>>> Your articles always crack me up, but this one takes the prize.... I had to stop a half dozen times because I could no longer see through my tears or my severely squinted eyes...no, I'm sure the fact that I'm on cold medicine and it's 2AM have absolutely NOTHING to do with it! LOL
My own "Bo" kept waking each time I burst into another fit of laughter and looking at me with complete disdain....actually ROLLING HIS EYES as if to say, "Here we go...Mom's lost her friggin' mind again." He's lying here still, sighing with complete contempt, willing me to PLEASE GOD just succumb to the cold medicine and drop into a deep coma and JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY so I can sleep in peace!
Can't beat a dog with ATTITUDE! GO BO! :O)

Posted by: Ruby Blue | February 10, 2005 02:13 AM

I too am a wienie-lover and adored your Bo story. For some reason most doxies have wierd bedtime traits. Mine (Klaus) will get settled in and the proceed to lick his paw and/or the sheet for AT LEAST 5 minutes before sleeping. It is SO annoying :)

Posted by: Klaus' Mom | February 23, 2005 04:12 PM

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