How Not To Take Down Your Christmas Tree
In case you were wondering, in case you were sitting at home pondering ways in which you should definitely NOT take down your Christmas tree, like, you were thinking to yourself, "Self, exactly what would be the worst possible way to take down a Christmas tree, and what is the way that is most likely to involve destruction?" and this question had been just EATING AWAY at your brain, then people, this entry is for you. Because I have recently learned the answer to this question. There may have been bleeding.
Step One: Believe strongly that it is VERY BAD LUCK to leave your Christmas tree up after New Year's Eve. Believe that demons will rise from the depths of hell and probably eat your kneecaps or hide your car keys. Believe that if you DO happen to leave your Christmas tree up one second after the stroke of the New Year, you are RUINED, FINISHED, and all the bad luck that will befall you in 2005 will be ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN HEAD, the end.
Step Two: Despite this strong belief, procrastinate! Put off taking the tree down until 4:00 p.m. on New Year's Eve. Be alone at the time. Decide that undressing and removing a seven foot tree from your den is TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM, because you are a Big Girl, and you don't have to call anybody for help, even though you have a boyfriend with really big, strong arms. Ignore this fact. Call upon your twin inner resources of "stubborn" and "deluded."
Step Three: Pour self a glass of wine.
Step Four: Gaze at tree. Size up situation. Joke to dogs, "We're going to need a bigger boat!" Dogs don't get it. Probably because it doesn't exactly make sense.
Step Five: Start removing ornaments. Become frustrated with putting ornaments back in individual plastic containers. Also note that tree is very, very dead, having been erected in den sometime in November in flurry of misdirected Christmas spirit.
Step Six: Pour self a glass of wine.
Step Seven: Make executive decision that all ornaments will be placed in large box with tissue paper. Figure that any ornaments who do not survive trip to attic will have brought that upon themselves. Decide it is a "survival of the fittest" type situation, and praise self for appreciation of Darwin's natural selection process.
Step Eight: Realize process will be much more fun if self is also watching Sopranos Season Three finale on DVD while undresing tree. Take appropriate steps to make this happen.
Step Nine: Note again that tree is extremely dead. Pine needles are all in hair.
Step Ten: HATE LIGHTS. Hate lights INTENSELY. Lights are the worst idea ever in the history of Christmas. Also, lights will not come off of tree. Consider scissors.
Step Eleven: Pour self a glass of wine. Blame lights.
Step Twelve: TREE IS FINALLY UNDRESSED. Gaze at tree. Split attention with Sopranos season finale, which is really good. Begin appraising situation for getting tree out of den. Decide to just pick it up and haul it out the back door with stand still attatched. Good plan. GOOD THINKING!
Step Thirteen: Lift tree, directly into:
Step Fourteen: Ceiling fan, which is ON, which causes tree to:
Step Fifteen: Explode.
Step Sixteen: As pine needles rain about self, panic. Drop tree, which leads attatched Christmas tree stand to:
Step Seventeen: Spill water all over floor, causing:
Step Eighteen: Pine needle soup-substance everywhere, EVERYWHERE in the WORLD, all over sofa, floor, and self.
Step Nineteen: (Dogs are FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW, by the way.)
Step Twenty: Pour self a glass of wine.
For the rest of the evening before going out to celebrate the New Year, I cleaned up pine needles and water. There were pine needles on the mantle. There were pine needles on top of the refrigerator in the kitchen. And, when I went upstairs to get showered, I found pine needles in my bra. And I had been wearing a turtleneck, people. Think about the physics that must have been involved for that to happen! IT BOGGLES THE MIND!
So! If you follow my plan exactly, you will end up with one less tree, scrapes all over your wrists and arms, and a faint pine aroma that will probably linger in your house until probably February. But one thing is certain: You sure as FUCK better not have any bad luck in 2005.
Happy New Year, everyone!