By the Way, I AM BRILLIANT
Shut up. I am, too.
The reason why I am brilliant today is that I, Miss Doxie, the very person who becomes overwhelmed with glee when she figures out how to, say, turn off the computer without actually unplugging it, installed wireless internet in my home.
ME. I did it. Sort of all by myself. Sort of.
I say "sort of," because although I did make an attempt to install it my own self, I eventually had to call the 800 number for the router thingy, and have a very nice young man talk me through the whole process. First, he started at "Please put the installation cd-rom in the disc drive," but even that was rushing me JUST A LITTLE, like, WHOA, BUDDY, you're not dealing with a pro here.
So, he had to back up a step, to "Please turn the computer on."
That was more my speed. Turn it on, you say? Well, I am excellent at that. I can do that blindfolded, if someone guides my hand.
The installation guy, whose name was Sam, was very, very patient, which is nice, and also, with every button he told me to push and cord he told me to plug in, he said "please." So polite, that Sam! This made me feel like I was doing Sam a favor, and made me temporarily forget that it was Sam, and only Sam, who could bestow upon me the ability to access the internet from the bathtub. And this is an ability that everyone should have, including household pets.
But the other thing about Sam, was that Sam had himself a little catch phrase, a little colloquialism that he kept tossing out there, demonstrating that Sam is cool, Sam is down, Sam can talk the talk and walk the walk, and also, Sam can bestow upon you the ability to access the internet from the bathtub.
Inexplicably, and repeatedly, Sam kept using the phrase "by the way."
By the way. Constantly! Now, to me, when you say, "by the way," you're essentially saying, "oh, and as a side note, I am now going to tell you something that is only peripherally related and borderline important, so feel free to ignore me, starting...now." This is what it means to me, but this is not what it means to Sam. To Sam, "by the way" means, "Now I speak."
I would say something like, "Okay, I've plugged in the blue cord thingie."
"By the way," Sam would respond, "Please plug it into the wall now."
"Okay," I'd tell him. "Done."
"By the way, is anything blinking?"
"Yeah, the whole thing's blinking."
"By the way, if it's blinking, that means it's on. If it's not blinking, by the way, you may have unplugged it, by the way."
And this went on, for AN HOUR! An HOUR of "by the way." Not one thing that Sam said to me was not somehow attached to a "by the way." EVERYTHING was by the way! There was no direct message!
Furthermore, he'd throw a "by the way" in for some of the most important information he had to impart, like, "By the way, I am about to give you a ninety-six character password that includes symbols and hand gestures, and you will need to type this in correctly every time you log onto the system, and, by the way, if you don't, we kill your family."
Somehow, the whole thing ended up actually working, and as I yelled with joy and bolted down the stairs with my laptop in order to shove it into Dukay's face and shriek that BITCH, I CAN TOO INSTALL THIS SHIT, O YE OF LITTLE FAITH, Sam remained on the line, all, "By the way, is that all I can do for you? Hello...? Hello? By the way?"
So, check me out, y'all. I can wander around the whole entire house, including the bathrooms, just internetting all the live long day. And it's all thanks to Sam, and my own brilliant, brilliant ability to follow directions given in an offhand and indirect manner.
By the way.