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By the Way, I AM BRILLIANT

January 17, 2005

Shut up. I am, too.

The reason why I am brilliant today is that I, Miss Doxie, the very person who becomes overwhelmed with glee when she figures out how to, say, turn off the computer without actually unplugging it, installed wireless internet in my home.

ME. I did it. Sort of all by myself. Sort of.

I say "sort of," because although I did make an attempt to install it my own self, I eventually had to call the 800 number for the router thingy, and have a very nice young man talk me through the whole process. First, he started at "Please put the installation cd-rom in the disc drive," but even that was rushing me JUST A LITTLE, like, WHOA, BUDDY, you're not dealing with a pro here.

So, he had to back up a step, to "Please turn the computer on."

That was more my speed. Turn it on, you say? Well, I am excellent at that. I can do that blindfolded, if someone guides my hand.

The installation guy, whose name was Sam, was very, very patient, which is nice, and also, with every button he told me to push and cord he told me to plug in, he said "please." So polite, that Sam! This made me feel like I was doing Sam a favor, and made me temporarily forget that it was Sam, and only Sam, who could bestow upon me the ability to access the internet from the bathtub. And this is an ability that everyone should have, including household pets.

But the other thing about Sam, was that Sam had himself a little catch phrase, a little colloquialism that he kept tossing out there, demonstrating that Sam is cool, Sam is down, Sam can talk the talk and walk the walk, and also, Sam can bestow upon you the ability to access the internet from the bathtub.

Inexplicably, and repeatedly, Sam kept using the phrase "by the way."

By the way. Constantly! Now, to me, when you say, "by the way," you're essentially saying, "oh, and as a side note, I am now going to tell you something that is only peripherally related and borderline important, so feel free to ignore me, starting...now." This is what it means to me, but this is not what it means to Sam. To Sam, "by the way" means, "Now I speak."

I would say something like, "Okay, I've plugged in the blue cord thingie."

"By the way," Sam would respond, "Please plug it into the wall now."

"Okay," I'd tell him. "Done."

"By the way, is anything blinking?"

"Yeah, the whole thing's blinking."

"By the way, if it's blinking, that means it's on. If it's not blinking, by the way, you may have unplugged it, by the way."

And this went on, for AN HOUR! An HOUR of "by the way." Not one thing that Sam said to me was not somehow attached to a "by the way." EVERYTHING was by the way! There was no direct message!

Furthermore, he'd throw a "by the way" in for some of the most important information he had to impart, like, "By the way, I am about to give you a ninety-six character password that includes symbols and hand gestures, and you will need to type this in correctly every time you log onto the system, and, by the way, if you don't, we kill your family."

Somehow, the whole thing ended up actually working, and as I yelled with joy and bolted down the stairs with my laptop in order to shove it into Dukay's face and shriek that BITCH, I CAN TOO INSTALL THIS SHIT, O YE OF LITTLE FAITH, Sam remained on the line, all, "By the way, is that all I can do for you? Hello...? Hello? By the way?"

So, check me out, y'all. I can wander around the whole entire house, including the bathrooms, just internetting all the live long day. And it's all thanks to Sam, and my own brilliant, brilliant ability to follow directions given in an offhand and indirect manner.

By the way.

Posted by doxie in The Innernet | permalink

23 Comments

By the way? There's a high-level executive at the Evil, Evil Company Where I Used to Work who uses that phrase, particularly when she used to command an all-hands meeting. I think it must have been a nervous tic, but OH GOD was it annoying.

Also, I'd just like to express that surfing the Net from the bathtub totally kicks ass. Just as long as you don't drop the laptop into the water. That would be bad.

Posted by: Sister Rae | January 17, 2005 05:32 PM

By the way, that's awesome! Go you!

Posted by: Laura | January 17, 2005 06:50 PM

The wireless is awesome, but yeah, how could anyone keep from dropping the laptop in the tub?

I have never installed wireless, but my neighbor did. I pirate it from his house. Sometimes, it crashes, and I have to go over and say, "did your power go out for a second there? Yeah, I had to reboot my computer..." and then the neighbor reboots and my wireless comes back

He totally knows I'm pirating and is okay with it. I think. I hope.

Posted by: TheMac | January 17, 2005 07:44 PM

By the way, FUCK THE SYMPHONY.

Posted by: TheMac | January 17, 2005 08:48 PM

Congrats on wireless!! I don't think I could ever install it myself. I'd have to call in one of my menfolk, it's all they're good for afterall, by the way. My neice used to do something similar to by the way, only it was besides. It drove me INSANE. And that's where you find me today.

Posted by: Erin | January 18, 2005 12:22 AM

Nice work.

I used to have a job a lot like your new friend Sam's. Quirks kinda go with the territory...

Posted by: CanadaDave | January 18, 2005 01:37 AM

Since you have internet access from every area of your house now, does this mean we get more posts?? :) By the way, I think that'd be nice, please!

Posted by: Kathryn | January 18, 2005 08:02 AM

By the way, you're totally hilarious. My sister uses "actually" and I once had a chem teacher who used "and such like that." THAT one? Was WAY too crazy!

Oh and By The Way, you're very talented to have been able to plug in the blue thingy and insert tab A into slot B and install that wireless internetting thingy all. by. your. damn. self. (sort of) Go, you!

Posted by: LadyBug | January 18, 2005 09:46 AM

By the way, that's very impressive, and sister I am WAY impressed with you. I broke my friend's roommate's brand new Sony VAIO computer once, and I had to call tech support, but by the way, he didn't have a catch phrase. Just a very quiet voice that made it hard to hear him over my HYSTERICAL CRYING.

By the way.

Posted by: Coleen | January 18, 2005 11:52 AM

Oh my stars, delurking to say I cannot WAIT for the entry where you DO drop the laptop into the tub. Anybody else want to start the "office pool" on that?

Of course toilets and kitchen sinks count as well as dog water dishes. Do we have an oddsmaker here?

Oh, and by the way? "As a matter of fact" is the phrase that gives me hives. What does that mean, people?

Posted by: MissFish | January 18, 2005 11:57 AM

Yay Wireles Doxie! But remember, laptops do not like bubbles. Or so I've heard.

My boss often uses "Basically..." [with a thoughtful microsecond pause] as a term that indicates I will not like hearing or doing whatever he says next.

Posted by: renee | January 18, 2005 12:30 PM

I got 50 bones to say that it gets peed or pooped on just once , anyone in on that action? (i say this in love as i had a cat who peed in the toaster slots)

Posted by: first timer | January 18, 2005 12:37 PM

I have a friend who ALWAYS says "By the way". My favorite was one time when I was wearing this cool hat I have and he said "you're a rock star in that hat, by the way." Hee.

And, PS, you ARE very BRILLIANT, Miss Doxie. I always thought so...

Posted by: Em | January 18, 2005 12:41 PM

By the way, I'm very jealous. I want the wireless internet. I just want the high-speed internet. But I need the money first. You can send me some, by the way.

And good job. By the way.

Posted by: smartjuice | January 18, 2005 02:04 PM

I once knew someone who ended every sentence in the following frighteningly witless manner...

"Um, so do you guys like tv n'stuff? Yeah? I thought so cuz I think tv is real cool n'stuff. So, what shows d'you like n'stuff?"

Not even slightly exagerrating, I can not hear the word "stuff" without snickering a little and imagining how I can work it into each and every sentence n'stuff.

Posted by: Allison Rae | January 18, 2005 02:17 PM

Internet in the whole house? That rocks, by the way, and now you should post all the time, because you have acces at all time by the way.

Posted by: Stu | January 18, 2005 03:36 PM

So, by the way, the first time you actually write an actual entry while sitting on the pot, are you going to admit it? My circle of friends loves making telephone calls while sitting on the pot (or, in my husband's case, while taking a whiz, with his unit in one hand and the cell phone in the other), but a blog entry written while perched on the throne would take the whole tradition to a new technological level.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | January 18, 2005 07:56 PM

I'm still laughing at the password with symbols and hand gestures. Don't forget the backflip while spitting nickels.

And freakin' TheMAC beat me to it...

FUCK THE SYMPHONY, by the way.

Posted by: Chari | January 19, 2005 10:38 AM

I had a boss that used the word, "Irregardless..." in front of almost every phrase... when he meant to say "Anyway". Goob.

Yay Dox... congrats on the wireless.

Posted by: suzanna danna | January 19, 2005 04:21 PM

By the way, I am sooo jealous of your wireless internetting.

Posted by: Fraulein N | January 20, 2005 01:25 PM

By the way, you know, don't you, that the phrase "by the way" means, "Of course, I know you know this, and I don't mean to sound as if you don't, but I just feel the need to say this."

So, of course, by the way, you installed it yourself and, by the way, only needed Sam for encouragement.

By the way.

Posted by: Kathy | January 23, 2005 12:21 PM

Dearest Miss Doxie....I love this entry and all, but I've been checking back a lot and have reread it about 300 times. You've passed the two-week mark; surely something funny must have happened to you! Please, enlighten us... :c)

Posted by: Lori | February 2, 2005 10:29 AM

Our director at my place of work is ALWAYS saying, "actually" and "sort of" when he talks. SEVERAL TIMES PER SENTENCE.

Just, you know, by the way.

Posted by: Shiz | February 4, 2005 07:26 PM

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