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It slices! It dices!

December 05, 2004

So, yesterday I did a lot of Christmas shopping. And I was highly entertained by the fact that almost every store I entered had a clearance section, and every clearance section was FILLED with capelets. Ah, the capelet! We had such high hopes for you as a fashion item! But now we have all learned An Important Lesson, namely, "We should not base our Winter line on anything recommended by the contestants on the Apprentice," and also, "Why would anyone actually need a capelet, anyway? This item of clothing makes no sense. It is like a slap bracelet for grown-ups."

The Capelet: What You Wear When You Just Can't Commit To A Coat! What You Wear When your Shoulders Are Kind Of Chilly, But Not So Much Your Arms!

Anyway. I'm getting a little carried away with the capelets. But my shopping day culminated with the purchase of several items, most of which were for myself. Which is not necessarily the way Christmas shopping is supposed to go, but you know. A girl has to have something to wear. And a girl needs shoes.

And evidently, a girl ALSO needs to watch television at three a.m. and make the wise executive decision to call the Christian Children's Fund and buy herself a child. Because that is what I did, last night, while the horrified people in my den looked on, all, "Um, are you...are you sure this is a good idea? With the giving of the credit card information and the signing away of your life and etc.?" And I said "OF COURSE this is an excellent idea. Were you not LISTENING to Sally Struthers? Do you think she would LIE? Did you see those FLIES? It costs less than a cup of coffee every day!"

Thankfully for all involved, though, I was NOT convinced to purchase the amazing Ronco knife set, which came on right after the Children's Fund program. EVEN THOUGH it was twelve, no, THIRTEEN, no, FIFTEEN, NO, TWENTY ONE HIGH QUALITY RONCO KNIVES all for just THREE EASY PAYMENTS of $13.33!!! That's like a twelve million dollar value, and that nice Ron Popeil just wants you to HAVE it. He's a giver, really. Just like Santa. And me.

However, I was intensely entertained by something called the Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver, because...hee. It was almost worth buying the whole set just so I could ask people if they wanted to see/touch/use my Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver.

And now I can't stop saying it. Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver! It never gets old! Yet!

Anyway, to sum up:

Christmas gifts purchased: 2
Items of clothing purchased for self: 6
Children funded: 1
Ronco Knives NOT purchased: 21, plus a FREE KNIFE SHARPENER
Office Christmas parties tonight: 1
Pointless entries written, but, y'all, it's just so EASY with the movable type and the typing and the thing and then, WHAM, it's there, and I wanted to post something despite the fact that I don't have anything to say, really, and also, the phone keeps ringing and I lose my train of thought so I'm all, uh, people, GIVE ME A SECOND, but there it goes again, and I've forgotten where I was going with this, exactly: 1

Everyone have a good Sunday! Maybe tomorrow I'll have something interesting to say. In the meanwhile, I'd better go do some more Christmas shopping, or else everyone on my list is getting a Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver and a really FANTASTIC capelet.

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink

14 Comments

Well, now I know what to get you for Christmas! I'll buy you a Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver if you buy me a child.

Posted by: Martha | December 5, 2004 04:25 PM

Oh, and now I think that your category needs to be changed to "I got drunk and bought children online."

Posted by: Martha | December 5, 2004 04:26 PM

OOOOHHHH Doxie Darlin! LOAVIN your new site, oh YES I AM! So glad you posted. I was worring about you just the other day... quite afraid, honestly, that you had drunk yourself into a stupor at the very least, or a coma and the very MOST and I would never EVAH get a funny want-to-pee-myself-laughing-post from you again. And that depressed me. Cause YOU CRACK MY ASS UP! (Oh no! Did I just say crack and ASS in the same sentence? Damn me. My bad.)

When is the funeral for the pretty black boots?

Also? Caplets? *Shudder, gag*

I was agreeing with Martha above on the new category entitled "I got drunk and bought children online." until I realized just how SICK it sounded. So. Um, I don't agree anymore, for whatever it's worth.

I must say tho, I kinda miss the new doggie pics in the side bar, fan that I am of your little doggie babies and all!

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | December 5, 2004 05:16 PM

Reminds me of the "Onion" article wherein a guy got extremely drunk and bought a complete set of "Mama's Family" on video after seeing a commercial on T.V. And then thinking "What the hell?" when it arrived a week later.

I have SO done things like this. The only thing worse than drinking and shopping is drinking and blogging, or drinking and posting. Which I absolutely have never done. Ahem.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | December 5, 2004 06:46 PM

Buying more things for yourself than for others is the TRUE HOLIDAY SPIRIT! Capelets for everyone!

Posted by: Em | December 6, 2004 09:29 AM

Eeeeee!! New Doxie! New site! New posts, and they're easy so maybe she'll do them more!

Doxie, does your sis still live in Boston? I'm in Boston and need details about the Boston chapter of the Official Doxie Fantabulous Fan Club, whose existence I swear you made mention of (okay, maybe you didn't call it that). Please advise.

Posted by: urbanoutback | December 6, 2004 10:21 AM

We sell fur necklets. Because apparently your neck and collarbone should be stylish, but to hell with the shoulders and arms. Bring back the boa, I say - it's full of style and practicality, and the really ugly ones have the fake fox heads on them that can creep out the little children you buy on TV.

I cannot BELIEVE you bought a child. You should have bought a monkey instead.

Posted by: Coleen | December 6, 2004 11:34 AM

I think I'll call you, Miss About Doxie Schmidt? You two have a lot in common... I wonder if you'll ever get to actually meet your child... won't that be a wonderful reunion, you two can play with your cleaver.

Posted by: jill | December 6, 2004 11:48 AM

You know, I've been walking around the house saying, "boy do I need a Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver!" I'll have to look into those...

Posted by: Chris | December 7, 2004 09:43 AM

Who IS this mysterious "Ron Pompeil?" Is he famous and I have been living under a rock? Or in a van, down by the river? Whatever.

Doxie, I love your new site and the fact that actual words and posts are being written. (The content of the posts is very good too.) Hurrah! Keep on keeping on.

Posted by: supine | December 7, 2004 11:43 AM

Hi there, I surfed in from Live Journal coz someone posted a link to your Daschund post in the "dogs" community. Love your writing!

Capelets: "It is like a slap bracelet for grown-ups."

Spot-on! ROFL

Posted by: orientalflower | December 7, 2004 01:27 PM

Hi there, I surfed in from Live Journal coz someone posted a link to your Daschund post in the "dogs" community. Love your writing!

Capelets: "It is like a slap bracelet for grown-ups."

Spot-on! ROFL

Posted by: orientalflower | December 7, 2004 01:28 PM

Laugh at Ron Popeil if you will, but his Showtime Rotisserie Oven kicks total ass! Just set it and forget it! But don't really forget it because it will burn your motherfucking house down! (The instructions actually tell you this...well, not in so many words, but...)

Posted by: Mary | December 7, 2004 07:09 PM

i love shopping drunk online. because when everything arrives, you don't remember and it's like christmas for yourself.

it has only happened once. i still have the underwear...with the tags still on...

Posted by: Sunni | December 8, 2004 11:19 AM

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