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In which I use the "F" word more times than is probably legal in many states.

December 10, 2004

Last night Dukay took me out for a romantic evening, which was very nice of him, and which he planned all by himself. And the plan was to take me to the symphony, where we would listen to pretty instruments playing Christmas songs, and hold hands and be generally overtaken by the magic of Christmas as presented through "triangle" and "tuba". That was the plan.

But the plan did not work out so much, in the sense that we didn't actually do that, in the sense that we never quite made it inside, in the sense that PEOPLE, WE GOT KICKED OUT OF THE SYMPHONY.

Yes. I don't want to talk about it.

But I will say that the people at the symphony are REALLY NOT KIDDING about shutting those doors at EXACTLY THE RIGHT TIME, even if that means allowing the people in line DIRECTLY in front of you inside and then abruptly pushing you OUT OF THE DOOR and INTO THE HALLWAY and then LOCKING THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE, while you stand there, amazed, because, HI. YOU JUST PUSHED ME OUT THE DOOR.

I don't think I have mentioned that the woman who pushed me out the door? HAD A RAT TAIL. She was like, sixty years old, and she had a rat tail. Because nothing says "high culture" like a rat tail! Nothing says "I have every right to be a snobby bitch to you, by the powers vested in me by my RAT TAIL," like a rat tail! Y'all, I could not make this shit up if I tried.

And I will also say that Dukay was not HAPPY about this turn of events. No. You can maybe imagine. What followed next could be described as a "conniption fit," if you were trying to describe it. We got into the car to head over to a bar we frequent, and this is pretty much how that went:

Dukay: FUCK THE SYMPHONY.

Self: Yes. Well. Apparently, we were la...

Dukay: FUCK THE SYMPHONY.

Self: ...te. Right. They're pretty hard core, with the rules.

Dukay: FUCK THE SYMPHONY.

Self: Sigh.

Dukay: I WILL WRITE A SCATHING LETTER.

Self: To whom, exactly? The guy who plays the triangle?

Dukay: WITH BAD WORDS.

Self: I don't think you should send a letter. I think you should just write a letter in your heart.

Dukay: I HEREBY VOW NEVER TO GO BACK TO THE SYMPHONY FOR THE REMAINDER OF MY LIFE, SO SAYETH ME, IN MY LIFETIME, AMEN.

Self: Right. Got it. No more symphony. You are very serious.

Dukay: MY ANGER IS BEGINNING TO EXTEND TO THE MUSICIANS. I AM BEGINNING TO HATE THE GUY WITH THE STICK. WHO IS THE GUY WITH THE STICK.

Self: The...conductor?

Dukay: YES. I WILL TAKE THE CONDUCTOR, AND I WILL SHOVE HIS LITTLE STICK SO FAR UP HIS A...

Self: How about you just don't send them any money any more?

Dukay: MY ANGER MUST BE KNOWN.

Self: Dude, I think your anger is pretty much "known" at this point.

So we got to the bar, and the valet opened Dukay's door, and Dukay greets him with, "FUCK THE SYMPHONY. Here are the keys."

And then we got inside, and the host came over to hug and welcome us, and Dukay, once again: "FUCK THE SYMPHONY. Hi, Bob."

So word quickly spread that we had been booted from our evening of high culture, and before long, we were sitting at the bar, and a phenomenon occurred, namely that whenever we were addressed, by anyone, this is how that worked:

"FUCK THE SYMPHONY. Y'all want some water?"

"FUCK THE SYMPHONY. How are you two doing on wine?"

"FUCK THE SYMPHONY. The chef sent you some calamari! With a message, that message being, FUCK THE SYMPHONY."

Every toast? We toasted to fucking the symphony. Every goodnight? Given with a healthy dash of the fucking of the symphony. At this point, the symphony is surely well and truly fucked.

And, not surprisingly, it caught on. Other people at other tables began greeting their waiters and waitresses with, "FUCK THE SYMPHONY. I will have the brie." Or, "FUCK THE SYMPHONY. Could we please get a little more bread? Thanks ever so much."

Things, sadly, went downhill, when a woman at a table near us succumbed to the power of the Bottomless Wine Glass, and slumped over in her seat and began VOMITING ALL OVER THE FLOOR, as her friends did absolutely NOTHING to stop this truly terrifying turn of events, except for laugh and pat her back, and people, we are NOT AT A KEGGER, this is a nice restaurant with a nice bar and formerly nice flooring. Immediately, the bartenders and wait staff flocked to Dukay and me and formed a protective shield from The Spewer, apologizing profusely, all, "FUCK THE SYMPHONY. I can't believe that woman is puking all over the world." "FUCK THE SYMPHONY. Oh, good Lord. Where's the mop?" "FUCK THE SYMPHONY. Do you think her friends could, I don't know, maybe make some attempt to get her to a bathroom? I'm just wondering, and also, FUCK THE SYMPHONY."

And meanwhile, I'm just sitting there, thoroughly scandalized, and all I can think of to say is, "FUCK THE SYMPHONY! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY ROMANTIC NIGHT! AND INSTEAD WE HAVE BEEN ABUSED BY A WOMAN WITH A RAT TAIL AND SOMEONE IS NOW VOMITING IN MY VICINITY."

But like I said. I don't want to talk about it. Besides, I think everything that needs to be said, has been said. And that being, for the ninety seven millionth time, with no question whatsoever, and from the bottom of my heart, y'all, FUCK THE SYMPHONY.

Posted by doxie in That Stupid Thing El Dukay Did | permalink

35 Comments

FUCK THE SYMPHONY.

Posted by: El Dukay | December 10, 2004 01:04 PM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY, comments! yay!

Posted by: Bond Girl | December 10, 2004 01:37 PM

Y'all are killing me over here!

Posted by: Em | December 10, 2004 02:07 PM

Fuck the symphony, and please tell me that all of that story is true!!! You have just made my poor finals-addled brain very happy, because that story is just downright funny. And fuck the symphony.

Posted by: Kathryn | December 10, 2004 02:35 PM

Fuck the Symphony! Long time reader, first time commenter. I'm starting to think that "fuck the symphony" could replace all those other exclamation phrases such as "Sweet Jesus!" or "Jesus H. Christ!" or "Jesus Christ on a bike!" or all those other things that make Christians cry.

Walking through the mall and see someone in one of those puff painted snowman sweatshirts? Turn to your partner and say "Fuck the symphony, thats an ugly sweatshirt". Cold weather getting to you? "Fuck the symphony, its freezing in here!"

Oh, and t-shirts. There must be shirts. And I won't even ask for my 10%

Posted by: Stephanie | December 10, 2004 02:58 PM

Fuck the symphony! I too was kicked out of the symphony. The Morton E. Meyerson in Dallas. For the record don't never ever ever move to a seat that ain't yours during intermission. Cause that snob bitch in the box next to you - well she is THIS box seat's owner's sister! BITCH! Fuck the Symphony!

Posted by: lisame | December 10, 2004 03:04 PM

That totally made me think of Spiderman 2 when Mr. Peter Parker couldn't go see Mary Jane's play because he was late due to Spiderman duties. Did you have superhero duties that made you be late?

Posted by: Rachael | December 10, 2004 04:13 PM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY! And the shim with the rat tail. I heard the symphony was very popular in the 80s, though-- maybe she was afraid if she ever left for a haircut she'd get locked out herself?

Posted by: bmh | December 10, 2004 04:44 PM

Fuck the symphony, you are funny!

Posted by: amy | December 10, 2004 04:58 PM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY! Thank you so much for taking me from being someone who misses having money and a social life to being someone who has never been so glad to be broke and basically lifeless, because, hey, at least here no one is bossing me around or yakking on my floor. Today.

Posted by: Mir | December 10, 2004 05:10 PM

Oh. My. God. And FUCK THE SYMPHONY. Girl, you are the funniest person alive. As I said to my husband and daughter when e-mailing them the link, you're like Dave Barry, except funnier, and with cussing.

Oh, and Leigh? Pssst . . . FUCK THE SYMPHONY.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | December 10, 2004 06:42 PM

Um... Fuck the Symphony.

You had me rolling. A friend on livejournal had a link to your journal, so I had to check it out. I know almost all opera companies have a very strict "you're late, you're fucked" policy, but this whole throwing you out of line at a certain time is completely insane. And funny. At least the way you tell it. What a muff-diver. (I'm gay, so I can use lesbian slurs). Anyway, I can't believe that the ASO is so snobby that they would pull that shit. Fuck them. Although, I'm a big Robert Shaw fan. Peace out, yo.

Posted by: vino | December 10, 2004 09:34 PM

You are a hoot. Love the new design!

Posted by: Amanda B. | December 11, 2004 12:26 AM

Fuck the Symphony indeed. That will, forever and a day, be my new saying when something pisses me the hell off, and even when nothing pisses me off.

Posted by: tracie | December 11, 2004 12:28 AM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY!

I actually work at a performing arts venue where we have all kinds of hoity toity events, symphonic, opera and otherwise — and I can tell you from the insider's perspective, that the ushers (who, most of the time, are VOLUNTEERS, in case you didn't know) are Nazis who get high on the power they have over the patrons who have spent good money to get in there. So the rat tail usher lady? Fuck her in particular.

Posted by: Jen S | December 11, 2004 11:51 AM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY!

Really...what more needs to be said?

Posted by: Chris | December 11, 2004 12:27 PM

I think El Dukay needs to have a website where he writes his scathing letters - with bad words.

I wonder if www.fuckthesymphony.com is taken?

Posted by: Bella | December 12, 2004 02:51 AM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY!!!!!

and the bitch with the rat tail too!(but then, ewwwwww!!!!)

Thanks babe, I needed that.

One big FUCK THE SYMPHONY for the road!

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | December 12, 2004 09:21 AM

Fuck the symphony. I felt obligated to join in on this out of respect to El Dukay. And oh yeah, when are you guys to the symphony again? ~kidding~ Fuck the symphony... for good measure.

Posted by: khazzy | December 12, 2004 07:00 PM

Missy, next weekend, if you happen to get a text message from a number that looks awfully like a hotel or an official 1-800-HOT-HOTT line, fear not. It will be from Jay's phone (because he broke my text messaging thingy on my phone during the Georgia-Auburn game). And that message, of course, will be...

"FUCK THE SYMPHONY. LOAVE."

Posted by: Coleen | December 12, 2004 11:08 PM

YES! FUCK THE SYMPHONY! I was friggin locked out because I returned like 30sec late during intermission time and the friggin biyatch at the door refused to friggin let me in and told me to watch the rest of the friggin show on tv at the lounge which was like 5 metres away from the entrance? Like... the fuck? so....YES! FUCK THE FRIGGIN SYMPHONY!

P.S. Luuuuuuurve your stuff! Can't get enuff of it!

Posted by: sheepgonemad | December 13, 2004 12:41 AM

Fuck the symphony! Damn! Also, you have made me laugh so hard am nearly crying.

Posted by: angeline | December 13, 2004 12:52 AM

This is a great story. Even better cause I live in Atlanta and can almost picture this going on. I'll keep my eyes peeled for the rat tail lady. I'll be back.

Posted by: ManNMotion | December 13, 2004 01:12 AM

I came here via Hashai. You chicks are the funniest. Sorry about the symphony, though. I hope that one day the old lady's rat tail gets stuck in that door as she's rudely shutting it on ticket-bearing people, preventing them from enjoying the symphony.

And, you know, FUCK THE SYMPHONY!!

Man, how fun is it to type that?

FUCK THE SYMPHONY!!!

That fun.

Posted by: LiliaNic | December 13, 2004 12:13 PM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry, I just HAD to do that again. It's been one of those days, you understand?)

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THE FUCKING SYMPHONY.

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | December 13, 2004 01:05 PM

FUCK THE SYMPHONY
I had a similar event happen to me recently. Some bitch accused me of stealing a statue from an art gallery she worked at. If her nose wasn't so far up in the air, she would have noticed that i could not fit a statue on my person and the statue had been moved across the gallery. To piss her off I stayed at the gallery for another hour and touched everything!!!
FUCK THE SYMPHONY...AND SNOOTY GALLERY BITCHES!!!

Posted by: mikey | December 13, 2004 06:06 PM

Doxie,
Truly I sayeth unto you, that I want to be in the vicinity the next time you and El Dukay go to the ballet or any other "high culture" event.
Because this? Is priceless.
Fuck the symphony indeed. At the ballet you had humping lesbians and the Indigo Girls and now you get booted from Rat Tail ("Respect My Athoritaaay!") only to end up next to Classy McHighBrow and her vomiting party tricks.
Sweet.

Posted by: suzanna danna | December 14, 2004 12:10 PM

A rat tail on a woman at the symphony? She should have been a bouncer at a women's bar.

It would be great fun to spend an evening of culture with you and Dukay -- however, if someone yakking is in the cards, I'd have to take a rain check.

Oh, lest I forget: FUCK THE SYMPHONY.

Posted by: Chari | December 14, 2004 12:51 PM

There should be a www.lettersfromtheheart.com where people could share all the Scathing Letters With Bad Words that they have written in their heart.

And I actually said FUCK THE SYMPHONY twice yesterday - once when I fell down the driveway and once when a bitchy volunteer at a music society (I would say FUCK THE CHILDREN'S CHOIR except that would be wrong) hit me in the face with a swinging door.

So, FUCK THE SYMPHONY

Posted by: sally | December 14, 2004 11:03 PM

fuck the symphony. you and dukay rock.

Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist | December 15, 2004 01:49 PM

FTS!!!! Hee tht was hilarious!!! Am now hearing Eddie Izzard's voice saying "Fuck the Symphony" for some odd reason though...makes it even funnier!

Posted by: Sue | December 16, 2004 07:22 PM

sounds like a punk band name!

i'm going to use that next time something bad happens.

Posted by: sunni | December 17, 2004 05:02 PM

As a professional orchestra musician, I've often said those same 3 words, though not for the same reasons. Ushers can be like librarians, give them one small reason to use their little bit of power and authority and they become Nazis. I've noticed this happening more in the south than the north (must have something to do with the red state business).

I still recommend moving to a better seat during intermission or even just before the concert starts. I have done this at EVERY concert I ever went to and only 2 people have ever given me a problem. One guy made a scene right before the lights began dimming only to have to stop making a scene. He subsequently fell asleep for the entire 1st half. At intermission, I asked if he had a nice nap in his expensive seat.

Posted by: Musician | January 2, 2005 01:27 PM

LMMFAO! This is the funniest thing ive heard in months! thank you for lightening my spirits... i needed a pick me up

Posted by: alek | April 6, 2005 11:01 PM

I was literally Laughing out LOUD reading this! My 20 month old thought it was funny cause he thinks anything Mommy laughs at is funny!!

Posted by: Christi | May 19, 2005 08:17 PM

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