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Christmas is in the air, and on my Mastercard

December 07, 2004

I have spent an unreasonable amount of time Christmas shopping in the last week, which almost certainly guarantees that the following will happen:

1. I will be finished by this weekend.
2. I will begin hating every Christmas gift purchased sometime around Wednesday of next week.
3. I will panic.
4. I will RESUME shopping, and buy NEW gifts for the same people for whom I have already purchased gifts.
5. I will then live in glowing holiday peace for about twenty minutes, until:
6. I decide I hate the new gifts even more than the first gifts.
7. I will panic.
8. I will throw myself desperately into debt, purchasing THIRD gifts for the same people for which I have already purchased TWO gifts.
9. I will panic.
10. I will have to sell the dogs on eBay.

This happens every year. Every year, I start Christmas shopping early, and every year, what seemed like a brilliant idea on December 1st seems awful and cliche and TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE by December 10th. But I never actually return any of these awful and inappropriate gifts. Oh, no. I keep them, and then my poor family members end up with a selection of presents ranging from awful to desperate, with no discernable purpose or theme, grouped together only by the guiding principle of "All Smooshed Into The Same Box," because:

11. I will forget to buy boxes.

Also,

12. I will lose at least three gifts within the next eighteen days.

This always happens, too. Because I am an excellent hider. Thus, in April, 2005:

13. I will find all of El Dukay's stocking stuffers. From 2002. When I lived in a DIFFERENT CITY.

Despite my debilitating Christmas stupidity, I love Christmas. I've downloaded (illegally! O, spirit of Christmas!) an extensive catalog of Christmas Classics onto my computer, and I listen to them all day long. Except for that awful song about the Christmas Shoes. Christmas Shoes song, I hate you SO MUCH.

I have also bought and decorated a Christmas tree, and hung stockings for myself, Dukay, and the four dogs (OF COURSE I did. Shut up RIGHT NOW). And Dukay brought me a pretty poinsettia, and I put those candle things in the windows, and it is all extremely cozy and festive and wonderful.

(And, you know how poinsettias are supposedly deadly poisonous? Apparently they are not, because apparently, my Christmas stupidity developed early in my childhood, and at age two I ate an entire poinsettia plant. As of this writing, I have not yet died.)

(Although, y'all don't just run out and start eating poinsettias.)

Also guaranteed to happen in the next few weeks:

14. I will purchase a shitload of Christmas cards. I will send exactly zero Christmas cards.

This also happens every year. Every year, I spend actual green money on new, sparkly Christmas cards, and every year, the package sits unopened on my desk. Leering at me. Because it knows, it KNOWS, that I have never in my life sent a Christmas card. I am missing the Christmas card gene. It is the same gene that makes your thank-you notes leave your mailbox in a timely fashion.

15. I will buy some Christmas-themed item of clothing for the dogs.

Yeah, I know. But I'll take pictures, and then you can forward them to the ASPCA, and it will be holiday fun for everyone.

Last year it was Christmas tree bandanas, which seemed like a good idea until the entire experience climaxed with Bo ripping Tasha's bandana off her neck, dragging it into the yard, and peeing on it in abject disgust.

Also guaranteed to happen:

16. I will attempt to bake something. This will not end well for anyone. But maybe the fire department will come.

17. I will take nine thousand pictures, four of which will come out well, but Dukay will accidentally erase them all when Tasha starts humping Pugsley, her own SON, and Dukay will be immediately overcome by the need to photograph this scandalous event from every angle, as if he were planning on selling the images to a glossy magazine. And when I go to download my own photographs, the memory card will be FILLED with images of Tasha straddling poor Pug, who will be looking up at the camera with an expression of pure Oedipal misery. The reason I know this will happen is because IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE, because that is apparently where the vacation pictures went.

And, finally:

18. I will forget at least two people on my list, they will show up at my house with a gift for me, and I will give them something that I find in the kitchen. Or a closet. Or they can have a dog.

Clearly, I have a busy few weeks ahead of me, keeping up with my numerous Christmas traditions! But meanwhile, I'd better get going. I have more soon-to-be-horrendous gifts to buy! And frankly, those capelets are starting to look VERY APPEALING.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

16 Comments

Thanks for cheering me up. I just got overwhealmed online shopping (when I was SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING - shhh!) and didn't know what to do with myself. Then I stumbled here. Perhaps my mom would like to have a capelet!

XXX.

Posted by: Em | December 7, 2004 02:55 PM

The dog interjections are hysterical. I had a dachshund way back when... Max. Perfect name -- he was a wire haired and looked like the Grinch's Max.

His forte was making a fairy ring of pee around any person entering the front door. Out of sheer delight he would do this. I miss him so.

Thanks for the post -- it made my day!

Posted by: Chari | December 7, 2004 03:45 PM

Sell the dogs on Ebay...I love it!

This is the only thing I'd add:

19. Get shit faced at your ex-boyfriend's Christmas party and break several Christmas ornaments on the kitchen floor after your good friend sleeps with the ex-boyfriend's roommate that you are totally crushing on in your drunken stupor. Alienate all of your friends. Get kicked out. Vomit until 7pm the next day, which coincidentally happens to be the day before your Civ Pro exam.

I'm not saying I do this every year, but it's just so much fun that I might make it a tradition.

Posted by: LawDawg | December 7, 2004 04:28 PM

My six cats have their own stockings. That are filled.

Sigh.

Posted by: DMouse007 | December 7, 2004 04:40 PM

I'm guilty of hanging the a single stocking complete with a needlepoint cat embroidered on it least they should be confused as to which is theirs, for the cats...plural...as in four. Even though they hate each other we force them to put aside their differences in the name of Christmas spirit and the love of chicken flavored treats and share a stocking each year. No wonder they pee on everything while were at work.

How do your dogs handle the tree Doxie? If it's anything like the chaos at my house you have no time for anything besides sweeping up broken ornaments and pine needles and putting it back right side up.

Posted by: Crazyaimz | December 7, 2004 05:12 PM

20. Remember all the pretty people you know who have birthdays right around Christmas, and resolve to gift them with presents of your fabulous and much-sought-after drunk dial, and also pictures of your dogs engaged in incestuous humping.

Posted by: Coleen | December 7, 2004 05:14 PM

Okay, I am laughing so hard I am crying. I would pay good money for photographs of Tasha humping Pugsley. I'm talking National Enquirer money. Maybe even enough to finance your holiday spending.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | December 7, 2004 05:22 PM

This is Precisely why I will start shopping on December 18th. I leave for my parent's place in another state on the 20th. And my God son's birthday extravaganza is on the 19th. This leaves me no time to panic. And Also? No time to pack.

Posted by: amy | December 7, 2004 05:28 PM

You should always have a few spare dogs around for those people you forgot to buy presents for. It's just good holiday sense!

Posted by: Lauren | December 8, 2004 12:15 AM

It is not clear to me whether you hate christmas but accept the season with resigned submission, or you love christmas but state that christmas doesn't love you. Personally, christmas and i have a good relationship. We hate each other. I'm looking forward to go out, find the house with the best-looking decoration and burn it down.

Anyway, that post was fun.

Posted by: el_edgar | December 8, 2004 10:19 AM

i'm already having gift remorse. i totally understand.

Posted by: the sarcastic journalist | December 8, 2004 02:49 PM

"(Although, y'all don't just run out and start eating poinsettias.)"

oh you are such a lawyer--- you can't help but to put in this codicil as if anyone who read that you ate a poinsetta would go out and do it and that if they did the responisbility for their jackassery would be you and not them---

oh and I laughed till I cried-- I don't know how you do it-- I was so sure I was going to hold it together and not cry with real tears but I did and I will again when I go back and read through the photographing the dogs ..

Posted by: bluepoppy | December 8, 2004 03:49 PM

Funny - everyone is always in awe that I am so "disciplined" and "forward thinking" that I start shopping in, say, October. And yeah, by December, I forgot that I bought stuff and hate stuff I remember and I shop more. I spend at least twice as much - in time and real money.
I'm glad I'm not the only one!
And hey, I never thought of the dog thing - I usually keep jar candles or bottles of wine - the dog might work better this year.

Posted by: Littlehoney | December 8, 2004 04:22 PM

I started reading your blog very recently, when it was linked on MetaFilter—the poster pronounced it Hilarious! and I agree. I am hugely enjoying reading about your life with the dachshunds and El Dukay. I have three longhaired dachshunds who also prefer their strangers ham-flavored. They can do all the same tricks yours do, but I thought peeing on Christmas scarves with disgust was MY special dachshunds' trick! Thanks for telling about yours--I feel as if I don't have to seek a behavioral therapist just yet :-) Thanks for the belly-laughs the past few days!

Posted by: Lisa | December 9, 2004 08:09 AM

Oh holy shit, the Christmas Shoes song! I am not alone in having been attacked by it. Thank god.

Posted by: MrBeman | December 11, 2004 09:34 AM

Leigh, I am SO loving the whole comments thingie now! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Um, I'll take a doggie, thank you. I love me some doxies, oh yes I certainly do! I am also SO not laughing about the christmas stocking for the dogs, cause, well, we do this too, always have.

A suggestion for this year? Reindeer antlers for the dogs, and PLEASE take a pic and post it!?

I'm going to go have a snack of poinsettia now. Ta ta!*wink*

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | December 12, 2004 09:28 AM

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